It’s 07.20am on a Sunday morning and because of this heat wave I’ve hardky slept all week, but still I don’t feel too bad. The only problem with being awake in the night when it’s quiet, is that your brain starts thinking and you have time to think about things which have been at the back of your mind for a while. I’ve always known I didn’t totally like my family, they’re nice people on the face of it but you can’t trust them. Not that they’re criminals, but they don’t keep secrets or confidences, or don’t understand why this would be insulting, they lie and worse still, think you’re an idiot and won’t be able to tell the difference. I didn’t when I was a child, but I grew up quick, mostly because I had to, because of them and I learned.
My sister has come to stay for the weekend but later today I’m going to make an excuse and drop her off at my other sister’s. I live by myself in my own home and this, along with a few other things I really love. I worked hard to get it and it’s not perfect or straight out of ‘country living’ or something but its mine. I hate anyone else coming here, friends I don’t mind but people who I’m never sure of, like the family or boyfriends which are now ex’s for good reason, it’s because I came to understand they can’t even respect me with the basics, like appreciating my stuff and how I live. I have a light coloured carpet in my lounge which is lovely but a pain to keep clean so I take my shoes off, they never do until I tell them. May seem trivial but it really annoys me as it’s unecessary more than anything. Other than that I see them observing everything like they’re in a bloody museum and it’s all a bit of a spectacle!
There’s a lot they don’t know about me, and I know they’d never credit me with the possibility of even considering I’ve done half of what I have. They’re also prejudice would never imagine that I had a relationship with a woman for starters, which I enjoyed greatly. They have gay friends but for some reason they never imagine gay women exist. So this, along with a few other things has just lead to me cutting them off a few years ago as there’s just no way to get through. They are selfish and narrow minded.
Anyway what summed it up was yesterday when I happened to notice a photo in the ‘id’ slot of my sisters wallet. It wasn’t her id but a photo of my parents and her and our sister when they were young. They’re both at least thirteen years older than me. I’m tbe youngest of us three. A bit rich to be honest as she hated my father, loved my mother, who my father hated for no good reason, and so when he died it was like he never existed. No one talked about him and every time I tried to I got knocked back. I was very young and I realise now how much I needed to, otherwise you just lose years trying to work it out in your own mind. Really I should have had counselling but I didn’t want to risk being with a stranger who wouldn’t understand either. It was the mid nineties and family support wasn’t as good back then.
So, yeah, she’s not staying and she can shove her pissy photo. It is insulting as it just shows the luxury they had which allowed them to hate him - he did nothing wrong apart from just not want to be a parent, while indulging their other whimsical notions that perhaps ‘he wasn’t that bad’, eg, he didn’t leave us destitute because he worked his arse off the keep the lazy cows and it eventually killed him!
It’s bliss when I’m here by myself and I have my own life.