My 15 year old daughter is having sex and I don't know what to do

[Molimoo]

Last night my DD called me into her room to tell me she had sex with her BF last weekend. She said she'd been wanting to tell me all week but hadn't worked up the courage to do it, and she was nervous about how I would take it. I wasn't angry but I just felt overwhelmingly sad as I really hoped she would wait until she was at least 16. I still see her as my baby, and I don't know what this means about my parenting or how I should act going forward.

They're both 15 and neither had had sex before. She's been on the pill for a while as she had very painful and irregular periods, and she says they used a condom. They've been going out for 6 months and he is certainly a nice boy - he's polite and respectful, he encourages her to study and I admire his dedication to sport. They seem to have a cuddly, chatty and fun relationship, and I do have some respect for her choice of sexual partner as it looks like they're both in it for the long-(well, at least medium-)haul.

But I can't shake off this feeling of having failed. I've been very open with her about sexual health and relationship issues, but I have always emphasised that sex is about love and intimacy between ADULTS, and that no-one should be having sex under-age. I grew up being pressured to have sex by lots of older boyfriends but was adamant that I wouldn't until I was old enough, and didn't until I was nearly 17. I'm struggling to understand why she felt the need to do this so young - she just says 'it felt right' - and can't help wondering what was missing in her life and whether I've been neglectful or what...???

She says they both feel good about it and she has no regrets. She also says he was kind and sensitive and didn't rush her, but it happened when we'd all popped out for a couple of hours in the afternoon, so I feel like there was definitely some opportunism going on.

Anyway, things have now got worse as yesterday she asked if he could sleep over in a few weeks time...

I think I was reasonably balanced in my reaction to the news that they had had sex (though I did tell her how sad it made me feel) but I could barely even speak when she asked to have him overnight. She can't understand why this is just not acceptable to me. She says they won't do anything when I'm in the house anyway but I feel like this would be just too laissez-faire and I can't get my head around it at all.

I really need to hear from anyone who's been in the same position! Did I do something wrong? And where do I go from here? I have a great and very close relationship with my DD and she is very mature on every other front so I don't want to be overly authoritarian, but I'm really struggling with this one.

Help!

I know a lot of parents are sort of "cool" when it comes to this sort of thing, but I wouldn't be encouraging this. aside from the fact they are both underage. Have you thought about having a word with his parents.

It's good they are being safe and sensible but I wouldn't be encouraging it.

You've not failed in the slightest. I wouldn't be encouraging it but at that age I would have been saying the same things to my mum. I'd still be trying to have sex when we could. I never told my mum she nor dad have any clue when I did start so you must have a good relationship with her. I ended up being with said boyfriend for 4.5 years so it was fine long run wise. Try not to beat yourself up she'll be pissed you won't let him over but it's your choice so don't fret

Being open and honest with your child and children is NEVER a bad thing and it doesn't mean you are 'cool' with everything or bad behaviour at all.

You have ensured your daughter is educated about sex, about the risks it has relating to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Your daughter has had sex in a really sensible way and has told you about it. I fail to see what is wrong here.

Yes, she is under 16 but so is he and they have behaved in a mature way.

I waited until I was older too, but in fairness I didn't have a long-term boyfriend at 15 and my mother would have locked me in a nunnery so it wasn't an option.

What's done is done and I understand why you feel sad, I know I would too with my DD - but I think you should also be happy that your daughter has behaved responsibly and has told you about it.

It's not really a question of if they have been sensible though, it's a question of whether OP encourages a sexual relationship between minors by allowing sleep overs.

If you're not comfortable with her actually sleeping with him in your house, it's your house and your rules. I think there is a mid-way where you acknowledge your daughter is becoming an adult, and able to maker choices about who she has sex with, but that you would be uncomfortable being seen to be disregarding the law and your own feelings.

Maybe as a compromise you could put them in bedrooms next to each other, so that you can at least "turn a blind eye" whilst allowing them to have some time together?

Your daughter sounds very mature and sensible and I'm sure she could understand why you feel sad that your little girl is growing up and even a little weird that she is now a sexually active person, but if you put it in gentle terms, and explain how proud you are of her for being sensible and mature, and choosing a nice young man for her first partner, the blow will be softened somewhat.

Yes it may be young in your eyes, but you haven't failed - not in the slightest! In fact you've succeeded. She's come to you, told you herself AND she's used protection, it's with a boy her own age, in a safe place, and I'm assuming someone she knows and trusts. You've taught and guided her well. I would be proud if a little sad it happened earlier than you expected. Encourage her to be safe always, and reiterate the importance of sex and the emotional side of it. She and you will be just fine

I was in a similar situation to your daughter, long term relationship, lost virginity to each at 15 etc. He wasn't allowed to stay over for a few years, it relaxed a bit when we were 18ish when if there was something on in my village he was allowed to stay. Wasn't a point of arguing was just how my parents wanted me to respect their house.

Most of the socialising was in his town so from the age of about 16 I was allowed to stay at his as logistically was easier.

If you're not comfortable with her actually sleeping with him in your house, it's your house and your rules.

^^ my parents tried to enforce this and I ended up sneaking a boy in the house when they were out, meeting him late at night, meeting a boy much older in his car, basically taking risks and often putting myself in potentially dangerous situations just for the "thrill" - and of course I NEVER told my parents the truth about what I was doing, who I was seeing etc SUCH an unhealthy relationship with them because of one stupid "it's my house you won't have boys over at 16 because I say so" rule. They, in hindsight, wish they'd done things differently

Same situation a few years back, except I was your DD. I was 15 when I had sex with my boyfriend and I didn't regret it either. I'm a lot more mature than most people my age. We've now been together 4 years and expecting our first babyI think it's lovely that your daughter felt like she could speak to you about it and I don't think it's a wrong thing to have sex at that age as long as they both consent and don't regret it! Me and my boyfriend were together around 6 months before we had sex too. As for sleeping over, my parents let my boyfriend stay over in a separate room until I was 16, he then stayed in my bed. Go with your heart and what you feel is right x

I think it sounds as though you have an excellent relationship with your daughter and she sounds very mature in the way she has dealt with this.

I think you can easily say you’re not ok with him staying over until they’re both 16 (or whatever you feel comfortable with) and explain your reasons.

Whilst I understand your concerns and sadness I do think you should also give yourself a pat on the back for how well your daughter has handled this and the great relationship you have

The sleepover would be a no from me, if I had already said to my DC that I didn't think they should have underage sex. I couldn't then go back on that and say "oh, ok then you can in my house" just because that means I'm not sticking up for what I believe in. So, for me that bit depends on how you positioned it previously with your DD.

If you decide she can have the sleepover, you should check that his parents are ok with them sharing a bedroom. You don't want that to come back and bite you, if they are not aware.

I don't think you've failed in the slightest. I wouldn't allow the sleepover though.

I think you should be proud of your parenting and your relationship with your daughter because she felt able to tell you she had sex.

I can see that you don’t want to encourage it and yes it is illegal but they are the same age and doing what teenagers will do.

You don’t have to condone it but you won’t stop it either.

Some parents take the view that they would rather have them under their roof safe than off trying to find places.

But definitely your house your rules

When will she be 16? Maybe say he can't stay over till then?

Though my mum never let a boy stay over. Not even when I was 21.

No you haven't failed as a parent - I hope that you can see that it is amazing that your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you that it has happened, instead of sneaking around behind your back and as pps gave noted, taking risks. It is also credit to you that your dd has been mature and responsible enough to take appropriate precautions. If you don't feel comfortable with a sleep over just yet, just say 'not just yet' and wait until they are 16 or whatever your boundary is. Please don't push her away with being over prescriptive because if she's anything like I was as a teenager it will most likely result in her sneaking around and not being open with you.

I would suggest posting the same question into relationships you would probably receive more traffic. I think 15 is too young to have a boyfriend to regularly sleep over and that they should be concentrating on their education.

OMG this is me, me and me right now, and ontop of finding out (by confiscated phone) it makes me so sad that she didnt feel she could trust me by telling me herself ...makes me feel like Ive massively failed her as a Mum/Parent 😢

You’ve not failed. You’re just in the middle of it and struggling to find the route through. Welcome to the majority!

It’s been 7 years since I posted this and I now think it’s all just a series of highs and lows; none of us gets it right all the time, and sometimes they keep things from us just to get some feeling of being in control. They’re playing at being adults and, sadly, usually learn more through their failures than successes because they’re testing to extend their own boundaries. It’s actually healthy for them to do that, it’s just a shame when they get it wrong and we have to run in and pick up the pieces. Like when they were learning to walk and kept falling over; we still encouraged them to have another go, didn’t we?

Everybody talks about the baby years as being the hardest but the consequences of their teenage mistakes are far more severe, which I think is why we freak out so much as parents. It’s hardly surprising that comms between parents and teenagers feels like a battle. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you can’t get it right all the time.

Over the long term just make sure she knows you love her unconditionally, but you also have an unending responsibility to care for her welfare and will always do what you believe to be best for her in the long run, even if she doesn’t like it in the moment. That stuff is best said when things are calm, and can be face to face or even in a card pushed under her door! For what it’s worth, I wasn’t able to take this advice consistently and tbh I don’t know how I got through it but they’re both alive and well. Still challenging but less of a concern because they’ve made the transition to adulthood and are (slightly) better equipped to deal with the world. Also they understand the difference between the freedom they have as adults and the rules they have to abide by under my roof.

Good luck. Whatever happens, do share with a friend irl and try to laugh whenever you can. You need that to keep your strength.