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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Very touchy subject!

17 replies

ShazzaC7 · 04/04/2018 21:17

I'm in a difficult dilemma and would like some advice before I decide what to do. My niece died over 10 years ago and I take flowers to her grave twice a year. My sister hardly ever goes and because of how bad she's been since her baby died, we can't talk to her about it, she just shuts us down. I don't want to upset my sister but the grave is very messy, the cross has rotted so much and it breaks my heart to see it like that. I want to buy another cross and tidy the grave up but do I talk to my sister and have her shut me down or shall I just do it behind her back? I want to do it for my niece but don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 04/04/2018 21:18

I would replace the cross and tidy it up. It’s nice thing to do, no one needs to know it was you.

Paddingtonthebear · 04/04/2018 21:20

I say that as someone who has a sibling grave that is rarely visited by my parents for similar reasons to your sister. I don’t go very often but I try to keep it tidy when I do go.

Original poster
ShazzaC7 · 04/04/2018 21:22

The main problem is its only me and another sister that visit. I'm thinking i might do it and hope that my sister can see why I've done it. She's previously said (a few years ago though) that no one is to touch the grave. I wouldn't mind so much but she hasn't been in at least 3 years now.

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 04/04/2018 21:25

Oh this is very difficult if she has asked you not to touch the grave, could you just get rid of any weeds and not touch anything else? Sounds like your sister is having a terrible time. Why don't you write a letter offering to do it and explaining how the grave is looking? Maybe offer to send her photos if she doesn't feel she can go there yet? I wouldn't do any more than that without her permission.

Pywife2 · 04/04/2018 21:27

If she's said don't touch it, then leave it alone.

Paddingtonthebear · 04/04/2018 21:28

Ok if she said don’t touch it then I would leave alone in that case

troodiedoo · 04/04/2018 21:29

Yes I wouldn't touch it if she has asked people not to.

You could try asking her gently if the right moment pops up.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

SnowiestMountain · 04/04/2018 21:31

Yes if she said don't touch then don't replace anything, perhaps just try to tidy it up as best you can but leave the original cross etc

ineedamoreadultieradult · 04/04/2018 21:35

I would write her a letter. Explain what you have noticed re condition of the cross etc but not with any comments about her not visiting etc. Explain you would like to replace the cross etc but with do anything without permission. Then if you hear nothing you know you can't replace anything and if she wants you to do it she will let you know.

Original poster
ShazzaC7 · 04/04/2018 22:10

Thank you for all of your replies. I will leave it until I feel the time is right to discuss it. If it's never then so be it. I can't imagine how she must feel when she does visit the grave but I just want to do my bit to help out and maybe take some of the burden off her. It's really hard. Thank you all again x

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 04/04/2018 22:15

If she's don't touch it - don't.

And if she does't want to talk about it, don't bring the subject up.

I appreciate that you mean well but I have a sister like you - she always thinks she knows best - despite being told many times that she is interfering.

TwitterQueen1 · 04/04/2018 22:16

said.... if she's said don't touch it...

Original poster
ShazzaC7 · 05/04/2018 09:39

Thank you for the reply but with respect, I don't think I know best otherwise I would've gone ahead regardless of my sister's feelings, and I don't interfere with any part of my sister's life so you're way off. I did state that my sister would prob never discuss it so we might never talk about it, I've never been the type to force a conversation especially one that sensitive.

OP posts:
jalopy · 09/04/2018 06:44

It would worry me more about about how she is rather than the state of the grave. Grief is different for everyone but she might need further support and help with her loss.

YimminiYoudar · 09/04/2018 11:47

I think maybe wait for a date of special significance to come up, eg the date that would have been a landmark birthday for your niece. Then say to your sister "I know you have said that no one should make any changes to her grave without you, so obviously I won't do this if you don't want, but I wondered if you would let me mark Xxxxx's 18th birthday by installing a new headstone?"

But don't argue your point if she says no. It's got to be OK for her to grieve in the way that works for her and if having other people tending and refurbishing the grace without her would make things worse for her then it has to be OK for it not to happen.

ReversingSnail · 13/04/2018 09:45

Respect her wishes and leave it.

Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 20:24

I would respect her wishes and leave it, instead of telling her it's messy - phrase it "if you ever want to go down there, if you ever feel like you would want to check on it and tidy it up, I'm here for you and would go in support and we can go in your time and together" and leave it at that.

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