Hi Everyone,
I hope everyone in previous messages are feeling a little better...I feel for everyone of you xx
I had an abortion a week ago ;( I am not coping very well with it...having nightmares and crying at random times at work in the day, in the morning and at night. I read stories all day on the internet, and look at pictures of babies that have been aborted, and the procedure of what was done to them and now I cannot stop thinking of the pain it went through because of me If I could turn back time I would. All i want is to turn back time...my stomach is still big and i pretend the baby is still there but then it all comes crashing down it isn't. My period has come back too so I know it isn't.
My story is that I came back home from living a great life in America, and my life just fell apart coming back home. I live with my mum, as I am on a minimum wage job and cannot afford my on place. I have debt coming out of my ears, and owe quite alot of money. I have no car and have had quite bad depression. My mum and me have not been getting on for the last year as she has her own problems and has turned to drink to cope. She has hit me twice whilst being under the influence. I didn't have enough money from my job to move out so just stay in my room to sleep to get away from the arguments.
I got involved with a bad guy and it ended as fast as it started...basically after a month. I took it quite badly and was drinking on my lunch and after work with colleagues and then out all wknd with friends just not to deal with anything. I also took drugs to forget. Something I am not proud of but that's how I could forget how my life had turned out. I didn't think I could get pregnant.a few weeks later I had a period for about a month but just thought it was nothing to worry about. then they stopped but I just thought I was late. My friend made me take a text which came back positive, I thought I was under 2 months about a month and a half. I told the guy that I had decided to have an abortion he said he was quite shocked and upset.He has 8 kids, no job, has no money himself and out constantly and said his kids were all grown up and didn;t really want any at this age. When we were together he said he wanted another child but that was obviously another lie.
I went to the doctors the next day thinking I could take a pill but she had to refer me somewhere else. He never texted me or called me to see what happened or was I ok. A few days later he texted me at 4am asking was I out at a club. It completely disgusted me and I was still pregnant and thought I was making the right decision to go to the clinic. I had to have a consultation and that took another week cos they kept cancelling it at the clinic...so I was pregnant for another 2 weeks. I thought long and hard and thought it was for the best.
I went to the clinic on my own, worst time of my life..all the girls crying but had their partners and I was on my own. I went to have an scan before the procedure and they said they couldn't do it as I was 16 weeks plus and they would had to refer me to another hospital. I was in complete shock and crying. I didn't understand how this had happened. The nurse said the bleeding for a month could have been twins?? and one survived? I don't have any answers as no-one really told me much. I was booked into the hospital the next day where they said I would have counselling and I thought I could decide then. I felt so terrible how much I had been drinking and taking drugs at the wknd and the effect it would have on my baby. Isn't that when the baby develops the 1st month? All I could think about was how much I had damaged my baby, and how it would have to live what I had done to it for the rest of it's life. I didn't want it being deformed or having my depression, and I don't think I could have coped looking at it knowing I did that.
The next day had a huge argument with my mum and knew I didn't want to bring my child up at my mum's with the arguments, the depression, no money, no dad, reliant on my mum for money and her reminding me every day, My job is a temp contract and ends in Dec so I would have no job and no place would take me on being pregnant. It was the hardest decision of my life and I nearly walked out a hundred times but they had given me the pills to open your cervix so the girl next to me said I couldn't then. I cried the whole time and then I woke up and it was over. I thought I would be ok but it's hit me like a lead balloon. I feel like I have just made excuses and been selfish. I feel other people are in the same situation and get through it?? I cannot forget how much I drank to get over the break up and then drugs at the wknd, I ate bad foods and drank 5 cans of redbull to get through the day. I feel so bad cos if I had known i would never have done that. Can someone tell me that I did the right thing? That my baby could not have developed properly or had serious problems with what I did? I have friends saying I am making excuses but they weren't with me when I was drinking everyday.
I should have been still pregnant and protected my baby but I don't feel I can look after myself mentally never mind someone else. I am so haunted by what I have done. I want another baby desperately but my situation hasn't changed. I am also worried if I do get pregnant again I will have severe depression that this isn't the baby I killed and then not want it cos it should be the one I killed. I know it was my decision and I have to live with this for the rest of my life Hope someone can please help me...Thank you xx