One year on after abortion

[Zachmeister]

This is incredibly difficult for me to type but figured it may help to get everything off my chest and maybe hear some advice!

I have a ds of 6 and dd of 3, I had been feeling broody for a third child for some time but knew my dh was happy with 2 and didn't want another child. My dh has suffered from depression on and off for years so I knew a third child would add extra pressure but it didn't stop me going over the 'what if' scenarios! I probably wasn't as vigilant with my pill as I should have been but still shocked to find out I was pregnant last April.

As suspected,my dh was not happy with the news and I also was terrified of the effect it could potentially have on our happy little family and dh. After much deliberation, driven partly by my guilt at it being 'my fault' , I chose to have a termination for the sake of my marriage and our current family. I felt that as it was my 'fault' for falling pregnant I should do what I felt was the correct thing to do for us. My dh lists all the practical reasons for not having another child but as many of you know the heart often rules the head when it comes to maternal issues!

I took the first termination pill on my 37th birthday which when I look back now I don't know how I managed to do. My 38th birthday has just passed and I'm really struggling to come to terms with things. I went for one counselling session in January which I came away from feeling liberated and much better however I can't stop feeling a sense of guilt and a little bit of resentment to my dh. The fact of the matter is my two kids are amazing and I want to give them a happy and loving family life which we have. However, every time a friend announces their 3rd pregnancy (which has happened a lot recently) I think if they could do it why couldn't I?

I think life is easier with the two and I have learned my lesson the hard way, I just want to be able to move on, forgive myself and enjoy the family I have which I manage to do most days however I am still grieving the loss of my third child that never came to be! Oh and just to add some more guilt to the mix I am Roman Catholic so have been brought up believing abortion is always wrong....it's not until I've found myself in this position that I took this very diffficult decision not just for myself but for my family. Do you think me and my dh can move on from this???

Sorry if my ramblings are incoherent!

[UnknownGnome]

Zach, I completely understand how you feel wrt wanting another baby. I'm still not through the abortion yet - have to have a d&c now because it didn't all come away - and already i want to be pregnant again. But i think, like you say, I want the baby that i aborted.

My head was all over the place when i took that pill. I just wanted all the stress to stop. But i cannot get over what i did. I look at my children and know.it.would have been like them. What have i done? I'm so desperately sad about it

[Olaf]

I am sorry gnome you have to go through this. I hope you're getting some counselling. I wish I had got some afterwards. I had a termination when I was 6 weeks in August and I am not in a good place but hoping I can get there in time. Zach your situation is similar to mine. My SIL just announced her third and I am happy for her but it is just stoking up what happened again :(. I feel like it is a dark secret as I haven't told anyone and I can't talk to DH about it either as I think he just thinks it was in the past and we need to move forward. I can't move forward and still think about having a third every day. On a happier note our cute lab pup is arriving in a couple of weeks so something to look forward to :).

[kentishgirl]

Hi hon, it must be more difficult because of the date. You'll get an annual reminder, whereas most people can start to lose track of the details and not get that 'today was the day' thing. I don't know what you can do about that.

However, some advice I read on abortion might help a bit.

The children who are here, now, take priority over any potential child. So if having another child would be bad for your family (which it definitely sounds like it would have been) you should put the welfare of your two children, over what was only ever potentially a child (as not all pregnancies lead to children, naturally).

[UnknownGnome]

I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread or not.

I'm still feeling huge amounts of remorse and regret following my abortion in December. I keep going back to the day i took the pill and just wishing i'd left the hospital without taking it. I was in such a highly emotional state; I shouldn't have taken it in that state. I'm angry that i was to take it when i was in such a state.

More and more people around me seem to be getting pregnant with their third. Why was i so convinced that i wouldn't be able to cope?

Every day when i wake up my first thought is always 'what have i done? How could i.do that?' and i just feel like I've.killed my baby

I'm so sad and angry and resentful. These feelings are consuming me and i'm really struggling to hold it together.

I made worst decision, the biggest mistake of my life and i don't think i'll ever get over it

[CSLewis]

How are you doing, UnknownGnome?

[emonslemons]

Really feeling for you unknown gnome. ....hope you find your way through

[emonslemons]

I think the biggest issue is that there is such a huge focus on things in life that come and go....money, size of our homes etc etc.....truth is the best things in life are worth struggling for.
It's a hard one to swallow at times that an abortion should be had because the baby to be is a materialistic burden.
I think also many many women contemplate abortion even though they would never in their right minds think it ordinarily.....and perhaps that's also where alot of guilt stems from.

I must admit I feel a great deal of anger from the men who decide they don't want a baby yet they aren't mutually practicing contraception.....A baby or foetus is made mutually and must also therefore be a responsibility of the father too I. E you can't fairly blame one person.....even if a degree of deception takes place.

My thoughts are that we can cope with a lot more than we give ourselves credit. I wish that all those women going for an abortion were offered more support.

[loobyloo3]

I have stumbled on this thread and I wanted to hear from all of you who did go through with the abortion of your 3rd child. I am 8 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and although I thought it was what I wanted, I am now desperately emotional, can't stop thinking I don't want this baby, that it will ruin the happy family I already have, and the financial strain it will cause. I have always wanted 3 children, and now I am in this position, I can't stop thinking of an abortion. Is it just fear, my emotions running wild through the first trimester, or am I feeling like this due to coming off my anxiety medication due to being pregnant? I don't know why I am feeling like this, but I am petrified at the thought of having another child - I just don't feel like I would cope, life is so busy with 2 already, and me and hubby both working.

I suppose my question is to any mums out there who did decide that 3 would not be the right thing for their family, how are you feeling now? Have you been able to accept your decision? Thanks

[TheLastPickleInTheJar]

Looby Sorry to come a bot late to this. I imagine you've made your decision by now. How are you? What did you decide to do?

[PeanutsX2]

Hi UnknownGnome,
I realise this is a couple years ago but wanted to reach out to you because what you descibe is pretty much what I'm going thru right now.

Dh abd I alsways joked that if we won the lotto we'd have a 3rd. I always said if things were different (timing, financially, career wise) I'd have a 3rd but also content knowing it would most likely not be the case and my dd and my ds will be our only children.

I had an unplanned 3rd pregnancy and medically aborted just yesterday at 7weeks 4 days along. I've been crying on and off, feeling very sad and a sense of loss and guilty for denying that child a life.

My dh also works away so was immediately concerned about looking after 3 on my own though then feeling selfish as there are many actual single mothers such as my niece doing it alone with 3 children close in age and completing second uni degree. Also got quite upset about falling pregnant as I'm desparate to get back to work (been looking for a part time job for soooo long) and was looking at going to uni plus we'd have to sell our house, get a new car etc. which dh said we could always do. Then I'd think about the family as a whole and my dd and ds and how we wouldn't be able to afford to pay for 3 kids to do swimming lessons for example, childcare etc and any other extra curricula activities or even little family holidays. Then I'd feel selfish again. I went back and forth so many times in the short amount of time i had to try and weigh everything up. Short, as i didnt want the pregnancy or more so the embryo/fetus to develop too much so that i would feel less guilty about denying a child a life.

I now feel myself thinking that we really could have done it and I could've put my work/uni/career goals on hold for a few more years (im 33).

I went from being angry/upset that I fell pregnant and not wanting to be, to feeling guilty and sad about ending a life, denying my 2 children of a brother or sister and different fun family memories. Dh was supportive of whichever way I wanted to go - happy to welcome a third and make whatever changes we had to and also understood it was me who had to go thru the pregnancy while he worked week on week off and ultimately me who would be a stay-home-mum for even longer than expected.

I have just rambled on and not sure if I've made much sense but it was comforting to come across your post and know there was someone in a very similar situation.

I'd be interested to know how you got on since and hope everything is well these days.

[walkers77]

This is an old thread but just wondering if anyone reading now can still relate? The OP's story could have been my own so I won't rehash all the details. My abortion (3rd child) was 15 months ago and I still think about it/struggle daily. It feels like a sadness and regret that will never go away. I'm now overly sensitive to seeing families with 3 children (they did it, why couldn't we?) And several people in my life announced third pregnancies (including my SIL) soon after I had the procedure so it has been difficult to swallow but there is no choice but to. I try to remind myself that I made the decision for reasons at that time that made me think it was the only option and I know that I should not compare myself to other people. My husband has since had a vasectomy so any thoughts of a future third are gone but the realistic part of me knows that is okay considering I just turned 39 and my husband will be 41 next month. I need to move on, I know I do and somedays are better than others. Anyone else out there struggling with this? Not sure if any previous posters will see this but would love to hear how they are getting on a few years later.

[AltheaThoon]

Hi @Walkers77 (not sure if that's how to tag or not!). Did you know there's a Pregnancy Choices board under Body and Soul? Lots of discussion around abortion going on there. Maybe repost this there to get a response?

Sorry to read about how you've been feeling

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Why is this poor woman's four year old thread being re-hashed?

[walkers77]

Thank you, AltheaThoon.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta....I didn't realise there was a statute of limitations on these threads, my sincere apologies.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

You are more likely to get help if you post a new thread, that's all. Plus the OP of this one may not want to be reminded of something so stressful.

[AltheaThoon]

In walkers 's defence, this thread never went very far because it was in Ethical Dilemmas. It was always on the front page so easy to bump. I directed her to another area because she clearly needs support and I know just how she feels given that I was one of the original posters on this thread.

[Featherweather]

Dear OP and UnknownGnome, and all others, I hope you are fine. I think you (we) are allowed to grieve even if it is was our choice to terminate. Let us not forget that we have the right to do it in this country. Let us also remember, that the ones who are making the Catholic and Hindu or Muslim judgements in the scriptures about abortion are men. They dont know. We know. If society was really against abortion they would give all mums and single mums so many benefits that they can keep all children. We are already too many people in the world. We have to look at it that way, too. <br /> On the other hand, we are women, we feel it in our bodies and souls. <br /> I had a termination, too, 2 days ago. (I wrote about it in Ambivalent, Pregnancy choices)<br /> My relationship with my mum was not ideal so I think I am different from someone who knows what a good mother and child relationship is. I am not blaming her for my decision, but it matters, indirectly. <br /> When I was pregnant, I wasnt happy about it, more no, than yes. I had a few yes moments. But I was more hoping for miscarriage and I was looking online for abortion. I felt reluctant taking the folic acid and vitamins, but I did anyway, not knowing how I would decide. Finally I opted for termination (after I called the clinic, I started humming for the first time in weeks.) The procedure was fast and very easy for me, so much that that makes me feel guilty, too, but the thing is, I first started to have real feelings for the little one when it wasnt there anymore. I felt I wanted to comfort it and I felt I missed it. (Sorry for saying it) So I am grieving now, especially at nights, and I had a first, heartfelt cry for the little one yesterday. <br /> I still think I made the right choice for me, but I do not believe in abortion. Yes, I know I am contradicting myself. I never wanted to have one, and I just did. I think I will pay for it somehow, (karma) and I am looking for ways to atone for it. But I think I made the right decision. I wasnt happy for the little one while it was here, and I felt very strongly that I did not have that kind of attention in stock that it would have needed. So I think I made the right wrong choice. I am glad that we, women are allowed to have one in this part of the world.
Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

[Janet4321]

sorry to bring the thread back up, i think if people relate and have been in the same situation they will comment. very similar happened to me over 2 years ago and it was a hard decision. but now i know it was for the best it just takes time to realise thank you xxx we aren't bad people just know what to do in certain situations xxx