Thinking of having an abortion

[Cbell]

I am 7 weeks pregnant. Obviously unplanned as I though I had a coil fitted. I'm married to a lovely DH and have a DD (17 months). We'd talked about having baby number two but were waiting until we 'wanted' a child as our first very much was. My reaction to this pregnancy has not been good. I went to see a counsellor yesterday which was of some help but has not helped me answer to question as to whether I want another baby now.

My reasons for not are entirely selfish. I was thinking that my DD would start PT child care at around two years and that I'd work pt. I've loved my time at home and have been wonderfully content but now with the prospect of a second I feel trapped by the tedium of child care and housework. Everything feels pressing and dark.

I would like in many ways to embrace this pregnancy but can't shake the feeling that I just didn't want a baby ....yet. Which feels hopelessly vague.

At 7 weeks you still have time to get your head around it before you decide. Abortion in any circumstance is hard emotionally whether its a wanted pregnancy or not. You really need to sort your feelings out before you do anything as if you do terminate too soon you may well regret that decision. I have been there and I know how hard that decision is so please if you need to vent feel free to use me. Just don't rush into anything.

Hi, I've been there too. It's not an easy decision to make.

Please feel free to PM me if need be.

Hi Op - as Ace says, an abortion is really difficult and for some women traumatic - for a long time. It really is important to understand that you can go back to work, even if the baby is quite small, if that is what you want to do. Somehow, with the second child there is (at least was for me) less need to feel you have to give over your whole life to being a mother.

I really do think that you should only have an abortion if you are 100% certain that you don't want a child. And I suspect, if you were that certain you wouldn't be posting here.

Is this an actual ethical dilemma for you, or do you simply not quite know what to do / how to make a decision? The two are not necessarily the same thing.

You too contraceptive measures, you feel pressed, and dark, you feel you didn't want a baby...so where and what is the doubt? Can you identify that?

Many people seem to feel a small thrill at being accidentally pg if they want a baby - feel any of that when you found out?

What does your DH think? Is his reaction making you feel even more trapped, one way or the other?

My initial reaction was good. We'd just got back from holiday and DD had been ill so we were both feeling drained but I guess I just thought 'oh we'll baby has come earlier than planned'. There was a lot of doubt about the feasibility go the pregnancy because of the coil which wasn't cleared up until four days after the initial pt. during this time I tried hard not to think about having a baby as I was fully expecting something to go wrong- not sure if this was my get out clause or just protecting myself from bonding with a baby that might not stay around.

However as the week passed on and after a tough weekend of independent childcare I just started to slip away from he whole idea of having a baby. This became even worse during the week- I seriously thought I was having some knd of breakdown. Now I am trying to think about having the baby because I do want another child and a sibling for DD. i feel like I am trying to conquer the situation with reason. My DH will support me with whatever I decide. He wouldn't sacrifice my happiness but we both knw we want more children.

Just struggling with the whole 'I was going to have a baby when I was ready but now it's here and i need to try and adjust my feelings. Rambling incoherence, sorry

I should add I have no ethical dilemmas regarding abortion.

At the moment I feel uninspired and detached from this pregnancy. However after having asked the question of what it's like to have two children I quite like the idea of DD having a sibling to grow-up and play with. Apparently the first year is the hardest.

Can you afford to use a nursery a couple of mornings a week, even if you aren't working? Just to give you a break? Or lots of pre-schools take 2-2.5year olds.

It sounds more like you need some time to get your head round this, and think of ways to deal with the practicalities, plus to make sure you don't get lost in the baby years for another 2 years - any online courses or working from home you could look at?

My second child was unplanned and we just shrugged and got on with it. I felt a bit annoyed that I hadn't been able to plan things. But abortion is fairly drastic in these circumstances. The emotional fall out could be devastating.
If you are planning more children at some stage then having an abortion now seems quite perverse.
Take your time. Have a think about other possibilities for escaping the domestic drudgery. You could still go back to work once you've had the baby.

I've learnt from my long experience that, as John Lennon says in 'Beautiful Boy', "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

I've always tried to overplan my life, but things have so often not turned out as I expected - and often it's worked out better than if things had gone according to my master plan.

Also, I'm the mother of an only child. Parents who intend only to have the one offspring - often because they feel that whilst one is copeable with, a second would disrupt their life - have cited me and my now grown-up son as a good model, because he is charming, sociable and has done well for himself.

But this only-child situation came about less through choice than by accident, and there is hardly a day when I don't find myself wishing that I'd had another child. For his sake as well as my own - I have three sisters and though we still argue after all these years I'm very glad they're there for me when I need them. I don't contradict the parents who've used me as a good example because they've already made their decision, but I feel like begging them to have another one because they'll only regret it.

It seems to me that if you and your DH were intending to have another baby it might make sense to go ahead and embrace this pregnancy, as you put it. You're making the assumption that at some future date when you are 'ready' you will be able to conceive a child without any problem, and it does seem likely since you've become pregant easily enough now. However, it's never 100% certain that it will all be plain sailing.

But this is just my take on the situation. As other posters have pointed out, you still have some time to get over the unexpectedness of the news and get to the bottom of how you really feel.

How would you feel if you had secondary infertility later and found you couldn't then conceive again?