Ive had one. Ive been dithering about posting my own thread for days but couldnt find the strength. I dont want to hijack your thread but it has given me the strength to start talking.
I met my partner when i was in my late 20's. Throughout my life i had been adamant i didnt want children ever. I had never had so much as an accident or a late period. 3 months after meeting dp my father became ill and died shortly after. My grandmother also died in this time and i had a serious car crash. My dp stuck by me despite all the pressure. Just after our first year anniversary a condom split. It was the last day of my period so thought i would be ok. I fell pregnant. I was still in pain from my back injury, still in shock at the sudden death of my father (we were very close) and still sure i wanted a career not children. I am terrible at coping with change and my rigid views about never having children took over and i clung to them. I had an abortion. It did not help that my father told me as he knew he was dying that he had never been bothered about not having grandchildren til he knew he would never see it. This played on my mind a lot and i felt it almost an insult to him to finally be pregnant not even 6 months after he had gone.
Over time when some of the pressure was off i had hindsight and wished i had been more flexible. My dp firmly believes we did the right thing and that it would have been asking too much to have a baby with everything else.
We stayed together and got engaged and it felt right to ttc. It took 8 months to get pregnant. I had naively thought it was so easy. I had a bad feeling about it though and at 10 weeks we lost the baby.
Tomorrow it will be a year to the day since we lost our baby. Hence me feeling like i need to talk. After the miscarriage i slipped a disc and we couldnt start ttc til october. We are still trying but i am starting to lose hope :(
I do regret it, totally and utterly. But at the time i absolutely believed i was doing the right thing for the best reasons and saints cant do more.
Hindsight is terrible because you convince yourself you would have coped. I try and remember how terrified and unable to cope i was. I would rather regret it and be the only one hurting like this than have brought a child i didnt want into this world. At the moment dp and i are happy but if we had had the baby in those awful circumstances there might have been more misery all round and i wouldnt want to subject an innocent to that.
I feel i did the right thing but i will always regret it with all my heart.
Well done if you got this far, im sorry for hijacking your thread but i have been needing to say this!!