having children killed our marriage

[franklloydwright]

hi, I am in my thirties(male) with two great kids below three. only problem is that my wife and I no longer spend any time together we disagree about everything and I can't see the point of staying together( apart from the kids).

we just don't have anything in common anymore.

don't know what to do :(

Have you tried some time together, just the two of you?

It's easy to feel like that when you're so busy with the young children.

that's the problem, today the kids were being looked after and I suggested we spend the day together and she just wanted to work.

so we had the usual argument.

Have you talked to her about it?

she won't talk, it sounds stupid but we are the opposite of what might be the norm. I wasn't to talk about things but she says things like " I don't want to continue this conversation".

I should add that we sleep in separate rooms.

when do you know it's time to call it a day?

Why do you feel it was having kids that killed your marriage?

I agree with hackette. I think you are focusing on the children, when they are not the actual problem here.
Having children really has been hard work for us. I find 2 children really hard work. More so than I imagined. Mind you nothing that anyone could have ever said prepares you for it. And fighting, years and years of fighting, for help and support , for eldest who now turns out to be autistic, has taken its toil.
But dh and I are so happy together. He is my diamond, my rock. We can't get enough of eachother. And we make time for eachother. And arrange to go to parties and get a baby sitter in. And privalty we say that , life was easier for us before children, which it was.
So if anyhting, it is US, for whom, your statement could apply.
You do not have the same issues. Your problem is your wife, your relationship. Its not the kids that are the problem. Even if you didn't have kids, you would still be the talker, you would want to resolve issues. Your wife does not want to talk. She wants to work instead of spending time with you.
THESE are you real problems. That only you can deal with. Tell her how you feel. Give her the chance to change. But deep down in your heart, although it is probably hard, you already know, deep down whether this can be resolved or not.
You have to face that.

Actually I disagree. It's not that the children are the problem, it's that having children can totally change the dynamics of a relationship and add pressures that just weren't there previously. dh and I really struggled in the first few years (we also have a very small gap between our children, and dd was a very challenging baby) and ended up separating for a while (long story).

Essentially we stopped talking to each other, and built up this huge distance between us full of hurt and anger, which to me sounds very much like the OP and his wife. I know it's a bit trite but I really would suggest couples counseling to force you back into communicating again. dh and I didn't, we struggled through for ages and it took things really totally falling apart for us to make it work again. In retrospect I really really wish we'd been more proactive when we both knew that things were getting very tricky, as it would have saved us a huge amount of heartache, and frankly many wasted years.