Parents not calling for help

[arachne123]

My parents are in their 80s and still independent although not as sharp as they used to be. DM has a lot of health conditions and is prone to falls. I live 15 mins away.

Yesterday, DM went to the toilet at 9.30am, her legs went weak and she couldn't get up off it. DF didn't call an ambulance until 2.30pm and didn't call me until 4.45pm. I went straight round and eventually managed to get her off the toilet and into bed until the ambulance arrived but by that time she'd been on the toilet all day, hadn't eaten anything and hadn't taken her medicines. The paramedics took her to hospital where she's needed treatment.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I'm really upset that DF isn't getting help for DM. Even if he's nervous about calling 999, I would expect him to at least call me. They did have telecare bracelets for a bit but as DM didn't have a fall for a few months they cancelled them as they didn't want to spend the money.

I will push them to reinstate the telecare but I don't know if they'll even use them to get help next time she has a fall. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to DF about his inaction but he doesn't say much. He loves her and wants her to be well but it's like he closes up when there's a crisis and puts his head in the sand.

Any suggestions?

How are they cognitively? Is this behaviour new? These falls sound worrying. Sounds like independent living is not feasible for much longer

No POAs yet but I had a(nother) conversation with them about it recently and they are planning to do it. I sent them a list of local solicitors last week with reviews and contact details for them to pick one. One of their jobs this week was supposed to be booking an appointment but they faffed and now events have overtaken that. I will nag them again to book that once DM's home. I know you can DIY it but I'm not sure they'd manage it and is easier to put off than a booked appointment.

You dont need a lawyer to do poa. But to do need a printer and a person to act as an independent 3rd party to verify their capacity. All the best.

That sounds like an unsafe discharge from the hospital. I'd be thinking about making an Adult Safeguarding referral.

If your mom needs care to ensure a safe discharge home, this can be arranged by the hospital (it’s called a hospital discharge service). It’s a free short term service and social care are meant to be notified it’s been arranged so an assessment can be arranged to look at any longer term support. If your moms got capacity her consent would be needed. I’m not sure where you are, as if in Scotland or Ireland it may be different. But worth enquiring with the ward about it if care on discharge would be helpful.

You definitely do not need a solicitor to do a POA. It’s perfectly straightforward- just go on the website. Read the instructions carefully and complete. Print and sign in the correct order

You can do the POAs with them yourself; it is useful to have a printer for the final copies to be signed off. We should all have them so you could do your own as well.

This exactly
contact PALS at the hospital too

My mum fell out of bed ( or so we thought) . She fell at 2am and was wearing a monitored push button necklace . She eventually pushed the help button at 9 am. She didn’t press it before because she thought she’d be able to get up herself. A similar thing happened a week later. We bought bed guards and moved the bed nearer the wall but she still fell. Turns out she hadn’t fallen out of bed at all. She’d had high blood pressure for 40 years and took medication for it when suddenly her blood pressure plummeted. If she got up quickly she fainted. Luckily we caught that and so did a nurse in A and E when she did exactly that. It turns out her just laying on the floor for hours ( apart from damaging her kidneys) was the first signs of dementia.

Just do the POA with them. You need an independent person to verify you aren’t coercing them etc but that can be a neighbour or friend of theirs

There's a lot of food for thought here - thank you to everyone for sharing their thoughts and experiences. I will do the POAs with them if I have to but they have time, money and capacity to do it themselves with a solicitor's help so I'd rather not have to do it for them if I can avoid it. I also think it would be helpful for them to discuss it with someone neutral.

I've already put in a complaint to the health board about the unsafe discharge (and used that term repeatedly when arranging for her to go back in and when I've been visiting today and yesterday) so I'm hoping for a response to that tomorrow. I've also spoken to a nurse on the ward about her next discharge - they are already planning to put a support package in place next time and I've requested they ring me for a conversation before they discharge. When I wrote the original post, the unsafe discharge hadn't happened so I'm not sure now if a social services referral will be done by the hospital or if I need to do that separately. I'll ask that question when they discuss the discharge with me and will make sure I'm at any assessment.

It's hard to pick apart what could be declining cognitive ability and what's just bad decision making and an unwillingness to ask for help. Not asking for help doesn't feel like a change in personality but there's never been a situation before where the consequences have mattered so much.

defo need a care assessment. phone tomorrow so it can be done and things ordered prior to her return.

things we got that helped were:

bed rail that sticks up to pull self up with

risers to go under chairs, sofas or beds to make them higher and easier to rise from.

commode for downstairs as only loo is upstairs.

handrails in various places including outside.

flat slabs of plastic that get stacked to provide a step. used to climb into bath or shower.

bath or shower chair. there are various ones. including a blow up chair that gets inflated to help the person rise from the bath and deflated to sink them into the water.

perching stool. high level (slightly tilted forward) stool with back and arm rests that you can use at the sink for face or hair washing etc

various wheeled tray walkers etc.

i also bought a wireless doorbell that you can plug in the ringer to any power socket in areas they wouldn't hear the regular doorbell so they dont miss callers if at the back of the house etc. (i put a sign on both bells to suggest callers press both).

i hope you get them help soon. it’s such a worry.

You will be part of the POA process as you need to sign some of the forms

Hi OP , I couldn’t read and run as I’ve been where you are and there’s lots of very good advice on here. However now your DM is back in hospital, you need to get them to do a thorough examination. Especially due to her weakness in her legs . Have they checked for UTI which can affect her cognitive abilities.
my mum aged 90 fell in her bathroom a year ago . Didn’t press her alarm necklace as she didn’t want to bother anyone. I found her when I took her shopping over . And called an ambulance. She lives alone and now has carers 2 day , plus we got a falls bracelet , so she doesn’t have to press a button .
This is a major wake up call for you and your DP and the prefect time to get things in place .
thinking of you

I did the POA with my dad, we talked about it then got his neighbour to witness it and he talked about it with her and her husband. Best thing we did as 2 years later he was diagnosed with dementia.

My mum died because she fell in the night and told my dad not to call anyone for help so she slept on the floor with a blanket. In the morning dad asked a neighbour to help him get mum up and into bed. They called an ambulance which took a few more hours. It was too late to save her by the time she got to hospital and she died shortly afterwards. She might have been able to be treated if dad had called an ambulance immediately. We'll never know. Speak to the hospital social worker and explain your concerns around capacity using the words safeguarding and duty of care. They can arrange a care package for 4 weeks on an emergency basis for discharge, and then you have time to make ongoing arrangements.