Dad wont accept his age or my mums

[Lucyboo976]

My dad is 80, he is fantastic for his age he really is. He has never had any health or mobility problems, but has just recently been diagnosed with cancer but its one that doesnt require treatment just monitoring and shouldn't effect his life expectency and doesnt have any symptoms so he is just living with it. He is struggling to come to terms with this . And taking it out on everyone.

My lovely mum is slightly younger but has started with some problems now such as arthritis in her knees , and shes very anxious. He hates all of this so much and wont make any allowances for it.
I do understand, noone wants to get old. But he seems different to other people his age. I dont know if hes desperately trying to cling on to his younger self or what but he does things like buy sports cars and talks about doing things over the next 10 or 15 years when in reality he probably won't be here then.
He acts like hes about 40. Dresses quite young. Goes to the pub regularly and gets drunk every week! (My poor mum).
He follows politics very closely and is very opinionated. The way he speaks and acts you would not guess his age. Whilst this is amazing, it does cause problems because my mum is falling behind. He never wants to stay home. He makes them go out every day marching round towns, cities, countryside, shops. All sorts of places. He drives like a racing car driver and refuses to drive a "normal car". He has a lie in every day and won't attend any appointments before lunchtime lol. He is very controlling of everyone and everything.

I worry about my mum mostly trying to keep up with him but is it normal to act like this at 80? I act and feel older than him at 40 as I am disabled! How will he cope if something happens to her?

I expect someone will be along soon to suggest you call the police on your Dad when he's been drinking and gets behind the wheel - and honestly perhaps you should.

Horrible arrogance and entitlement.

she cant speak up to him as he has always been very controlling

WTAF, what is it with MNers determined to be un assertive, and saying of course that's just how their children or other relatives are, too. Not saying that people struggle to know how to assert themselves, instead there is shrug acceptance about not having a spine & never learning to stand up for themselves. Argggghhhh....

My take is to give them back full agency, that means that they have both chosen this life, she chooses to go along with his desire to be out & about & never put her foot down to say no. He chooses to be totally dependent on her domestic mastery.

In that situation, OP can only take things one day at a time. A lot of OP's worries are whatIfs, not the situation today.

So that ‘someone’ would be you then?

Yes, I anticipated this and I agree with you. I’d (hypocritically) be equally up in arms to read this about somebody else’s parent. It’s selfish and reckless, no doubt.

However my dad has a lot of sadness and loneliness in his life. He’s still terribly grieving the loss of my mum, and does a hell of a good job of trying to keep moving forward with a positive mindset, which often means making the most of small pleasures. So I’m hoping to deal with it in a less relationship-destroying manner than getting him blue-lighted when he’s gone to a restaurant and had a glass of wine with his dinner.

Good for your dad. 'Do not go gently..' and all that. It's awful when people expect others to behave a certain way just because of a number on their birth certificate. Good luck to him.

Your mum needs help and support. She is living with an abusive arsehole.

people are being very harsh on OPs mum saying to ‘grow a spine’, but I think it’s important to remember that many women in their 70s and 80s were ‘trapped’ in to unhappy marriages; threat of their children been taken away; financial abuse; emotional abuse; coercive control (which is still not regularly recognised); very little help such a the freedom program would have been available, and many women simply accepted the status quo. I’m sure if mumsnet / the freedom program and greater awareness of abuse had been around 40+ years ago, many women would have more agency to divorce (of course some women did divorce, but it still caused disapproving looks and tuts from their community.
If you can afford it, take your mum away for a week, and the arsehole to look after himself, he might start to appreciate just how much your mum does, and your mum might realise what a complete swine he is.

Tell his Dr he’s not a safe driver and he can contact DVLC and ask them to withdraw his license and be ressessed

Steal your mum off him as much as you can...do things together that suit her and he'd hate. I would.

Maybe he could be nicer to his wife

Did you read the OP’s post??

Well, hopefully he stops driving before he’s killed someone.

god, stop pussyfooting around him. Having ‘sadness and grief’ in his life is no excuse at all to ignore drink driving laws and drive like a twat, no matter how old you are.

OP I do know what you mean. Some older people who have never had any real health worries, can be very intolerant of anyone with any health issues. I have come across people like this. It comes I think from an underlying fear of illness and ultimately death, which is why they so over react to any minor health problem, as if it is the end of the world.

It's tiresome.

Aw he sounds brilliant!

No he doesn't. He's vile to his wife. That's not "brilliant".

He actually sounds very controlling and abusive, and I would be really really worried for your mother over then next few years if she becomes frailer, and/or has illnesses of old age.

He obviously won’t look after her if she gets sick.

It is one thing to take care of one’s own health, but he’s obviously a profoundly selfish person who will happily make your mother’s life worse, both physically and mentally, because of his selfishness and immaturity.

No one chooses to be abused.

I mean it’s at least 30 years that it’s been explained to people that asking “well why didn’t she leave?” is a ridiculous question.

Your implication that not leaving is permission to someone to abuse their spouse is beyond disgusting. Shifting the responsibility for stopping abuse onto the victim is vile.

It’s gr8 he’s in good health for all his life, but because of this he probably cannot understand or tolerate others ill health or medical conditions. It happened with my mum, and boy when she eventually developed a minor condition she did not really cope very well because she was so unfamiliar with ill health, she also lacked any compassion for others who had long term medical conditions “can’t understand why someone is ill all the time”. The cancer diagnosis will have scared the shit out of him and he may be going out of his way to keep going. Some of this needs to be discussed with him, so he understand the impact on others.

My parents are older than yours and over the last few years have had to reign it in because their health has got much worse. But and it's a big but they try to have exactly the same lifestyle but expect other people to make that happen. So before they would drive to their friends. Now they would really like me to drive them to their friends and stay overnight in a hotel so I'm on hand to drive them home. So be careful OP 🙂 (I said I was unavailable for the friend trip).

I know it's not the main point of your post but my parents had very traditional roles in the home. My mum did all the housework and cooking, my dad always has to be doing something it's just it was never the housework or meals.
My mum passed away in her early 70s and I worried about how my dad would cope with the house and cooking but he really surprised me. He started with basic cooking and had to follow a recipe to the letter but has gradually got more confident and now has friends round for meals and makes his own bread. He is also fine with the housework and has a weekly schedule to make sure everything gets done.
If your dad ever does have to manage on his own he might suprise you.

Because he is forcing OP's mum to accompany him on his outings every single day, walking for ages which he enjoys because he is fit and healthy but which her mum struggles with as she is much less mobile due to arthritis.

He lives his life the way he wants with no care or concern for his wife who is struggling and no wonder. OP has said that:

'My mum does everything in the house. I mean everything. Again if she went first he would crumble and not be able to look after himself .
In 80 years hes never cooked or meal , made a cup of tea , switched on the washing machine , made a bed or washed dishes'.

He sounds very selfish and self-centred.

Well I think he sounds ok too - I hope I live like that when I'm 80

The only caveat of course is if he is actually bullying your mum into doing all that stuff too - plainly that wouldn't be ok. But only you know if he is doing that, and you can support your mum to say no. That's a different question to the one you appeared to be asking about whether its unusual for older people to live like that. I know a fantastic 83 year old who is so active - still skiing in fact.

is she abusing him by keeping him helpless around the house incapable of even making his own cup of tea? they both chose this form of co-dependency and have made peace with it.

Sure OP can tell her mom to LTB. I bet she's really gonna listen to that.

Drinking to excess, bullying your wife and treating her as a supporting role in your life, driving like a twat, refusing to do and domestic work of any description etc all sounds like his normal mode of life rather than something he is ever going to grow out of. He isn’t behaving like other 80+ blokes because most people of all ages will not be making their reluctant and arthritic wives march up and down hills or do all the vacuuming. He’s abusive and controlling and age has zero to do with it. He’s not going to suddenly be nice because he’s old.

Your poor DM. No wonder your Dad is fit and healthy in his old age, it sounds like he hasn’t lifted a finger his whole life! Has your DM said anything to you about how she feels? Or are you just seeing how she’s treated? Does your DM want change? There isn’t really a lot you can do if your DM doesn’t see the issue.

Your Dad sounds like a deeply unpleasant man. There’s nothing wrong with being active and enjoying life no matter what your age. There is a lot wrong with enjoying your life at the expense of others. Which it sounds like he does. Your DM sounds so ground down and exhausted by domestic chores. When does she get to enjoy life? Does she ever get to go out and enjoy herself? Or is she too busy preparing meals, cups of tea and doing the ironing?

He sounds self centered and totally unaware. Your poor mum. Must be difficult for her and you to cope with. Maybe a chat about the world not revolving around him and his end of life crisis.

It's good he's in fine health and has the energy to act like a man half his age!

Until you have symptoms of illness, disability or old age you find it very difficult to understand what it's like. And if you're scared of it happening to you then you could well be trying to fend it off by acting younger?