Should my 90 year old mother have to accept intimate care from a man?

[Hakifadi]

My mother has just broken her right (dominant) wrist. The hospital said that they could offer 2-3 weeks of care visits whilst she gets accustomed to using her left arm. We agreed that it would be useful to have someone to help her wash every day. The response was that they couldn't promise that it wouldn't be a man. So, she refused. Should a 90 year old woman have to accept intimate care from a man?

In an ideal world we would be able to choose but it is so hard to get reliable staff that agencies and firms cannot promise everyone the carer they wish. Also the same with foreign carers , some elderly people want those with the same nationality or religion as them but due to lack of staff it is impossible to cater to each individual client.

My ER has carers in (that she pays for) to look after her.
The standard is that intimate care is done by female carers. But rarely, the only carer they have free is male. Fortunately, she knows them already from lunch and teatime visits, and they are experienced and professional - so they help her while "averting their eyes" as much as practicable.

I think for myself I'd want to know and pre-approve male carers if they were providing intimate care for me. Random agency workers, female only.

This was one of the benefits of paying for private care, Mil wasn't put in that position. Choice is what you give up when you deprive yourself of assets to get NHS/LA free care. Those with no funds, get no choice. It's terrible.

what? what does this even mean?
can you explain?

I know that many people have had excellent experiences of male carers. However, we live in a world where women get abused by men. See the following: https://www.durham.police.uk/news/durham/news2/2026/08.-august/carer-who-groomed-and-sexually-assaulted-vulnerable-woman-with-dementia-is-jailed/

Surely this is a safeguarding risk?
I would be putting my concern in writing to potential service provider and referrer and see what is the response.

It's absolutely not just the elderly either. I knew a woman who was assaulted by a male staff member while she was immobile and in immense pain following a very serious RTA. We should have choice in this as a basic right.

No. Get your MP involved if it comes to it. In my head I’d be standing vigil but I know that’s not practical or possible.
as politely as possible (because only polite works) be THAT woman who won’t let it pass

No she should not!

Yes. Then you can request a female carer. Or when the male carer comes get them to do other stuff which doesnt involve personal care.

That poor lady. It’s really not right that men should be allowed to give intimate care to women unless they have capacity to give permission. I don’t blame your dm. There are predatory men everywhere. Age and illness of a person will not stop them.

Absolutely not!

What other stuff?

As a country we are at an all time high in terms of people who need care either in their own homes or care homes. There simply aren't enough females who want to work in care. If a care agency has more female patients that need to come on it's books they either have to

• find more female staff
• send male carers to females
• not take as many female clients

Finding female staff may not be possible, so the alternatives are there. Maybe they don't take everyone on and some people have to rely on family?

It’s not sudden. I have been a nurse for over 20 years and there has been male carers, especially in care homes for all this time.

I have to say, the vast majority of male carers, usually from Africa are kind and really caring. Many are registered nurses in their home countries. In most of the care homes I have been involved in they are able ensure presences are upheld most of the time. Some female patients prefer the males die to their kind and gentle nature.

No, and I would rather die than go into care for this type of thing alone.

Blimey …I cannot imagine many women being happy to have a man for intimate care. My understanding is that male GPs doing intimate examinations of women ask if they want a chaperone. My psychiatrist actually wrote to my GP to say I should not ever have appointments with male GPs due to past trauma (domestic abuse). According to her, it is totally normal for women to insist on seeing female GPs and there is no need to give a reason. For this reason, I find this situation particularly odd.

I imagine the response would be that they may be unable to provide carers on some occasions and you would need to make arrangements for that scenario

Why are you being so judgemental on this thread?

We got round this by saying my mother had been SA as a child . This was on advice by a female carer.

I used to be a carer. I always had a problem that women were expected to do personal care for men. It was right that men didn't visit women for personal care.

As a community carer myself, this and a language barrier is the things I hear my service users complain about most. Even worse when the two are combined. How frightening and intimidating. I’m sorry this is happening xx