No eating

[NotTooOldPaul]

Not about a parent but I thought this was the best place to post this.
I help to look after a lady who I hesitate to call elderly as she is only 79. I cook most of her meals, she has carers who do her personal care.
I’ve noticed a decline in her ability to remember stuff, I mean what day it is and similar, she also tells me the same stories about her youth time and time again. She spends all her days sitting watching TV or just sitting if she forgets to put on the TV
She does not eat a lot but these last couple of days have been ridiculous. Yesterday (Saturday) she had half a slice of toast for breakfast and half a sandwich for lunch, today she has eaten nothing.
She has a painful abscess at the top of her leg and is taking antibiotics and painkillers for this.
Someone suggested to me that this lack of eating might be a sign that she does not have long left to live, if that is so I need to try to tell her sister (her only blood relative) who lives 300 miles away and is not well herself.
I’m just wondering how serious this lack of wanting to eat anything is. I’d appreciate any advice.
I have suggested A&E or out of hours doctor, but she refuses these ideas.

It doesn't sound like she needs A&E or OOH GP from what you've said, but a call to her own GP tomorrow might be in order.

Can you contact her carers? Does she feel unwell in any other way?

Average life expectancy of a women in the UK is 83 so I think you can call her elderly, although she may not appreciate if you say that to her.

The carers are from the local authority and are really good but have no medical knowledge.

I will try to get her to phone her own GP tomorrow morning.

How were the antibiotics prescribed - did someone see the abscess (gp?). Is she feeling unwell or just no appetite?

It's possible that taking antibiotics is affecting her appetite, they can make you feel quite nauseous. Can you get the GP to do a home visit, or the district nurse?

I took her to the GP The GP examined her and saw that the pain was caused by an abscess.

She just seems tired and lethargic which is so different to six months ago when she was bright and alert.
I avoided the full truth in my post because I am so worried but it is my wife I am asking about. I am struggling to know what to do to help her.
She spent nine weeks in hospital in 2024 and a couple more weeks since then. She hated being in hospital and never wants to go in again. This makes getting her to see and medical professional difficult.

Okay, if this is your wife, how does the abscess look? Is it improving? Is the skin around it red and does it look there is active infection? Is she confused? Being tired and lethargic can be a result of active infection so if you are worried call 111 now and get advice. If not, call the GP first thing in the morning. Your wife definitely needs to be seen by a doctor.

I would also mention the forgetfulness and repetitiveness as it sounds like your wife may also have dementia. This, on its own, can lead to loss of appetite/forgetting to eat/not following hunger cues, but tell the doctor everything you're seeing and let him/her figure out what's going on.

thanks @cheezncrackers I will phone her GP tomorrow.

Loss of appetite close to the end of life tends to be in those at the end of a long illness - the very late stages of cancer or dementia for example. It doesn’t sound as if that is what’s happening with your wife.

Definitely GP asap though. What has she said to you about how she feels? About why she doesn’t want to eat?

I think I'd call 111 and get her seen by an out of hours doctor.

I find most antibiotics give me nausea and really kill my appetite, but contact her GP and they can change the type easily.

Definitely a call to the GP. Either the infection could be worse, which could also trigger the forgetful symptoms, or the antibiotic itself could be making her feel even more unwell.

Also if the abscess looks much worse, I’d be concerned about sepsis, which would require quicker intervention.

My mum had dementia and only stopped eating (and drinking) right at the end of her life, so it definitely sounds different to your wife's situation OP. As others have said, it's much more likely to be the antibiotics that are making her feel a bit ropey.

Alternatively, how are her teeth? Sore teeth or gums would be putting her off eating too.

There are various high calorie drinks you can buy, or would she like a hot chocolate with cream? Something like that would give her some calories anyway.

Ring the GP tomorrow and explain what she has been like in herself, say the last week or maybe since she git the antibiotics
If she’s not good to go with you first an appointment, ask for a home visit . This is quite within your right if someone is not fit enough to go .

is the access red and angry looking ? Like a red ring around it .? Does it look any better/worse since you took her to GP

If she’s still affected my the infection, as said infection can make you feel off, not wanting to eat.
The same conversation is a red flag sign if dementia. My MIL used to do exactly the same, she’d ask you the same questions and also numerous times in the day.
You could test her memory by simple questions
what day is it today?
how old she is?
what time is it ?
my MIL knew things from years and years ago but struggled with here & now

good luck tomorrow with gp and don’t let the receptionist put you off getting a home visit if your wife is too poorly in your view to make it in person

My father in law who had dementia forgotten to eat. Perhaps stuff like Complan to get some nutrition through drinks. And if there are small things she really likes - chocolates, little cakes or biscuits - have those around.

Try stuff you can leave out. If she does have dementia then taste buds can change so try stuff like apple crumble and custard, bowls of sweets, chocolate, biscuits etc

I've been so helped by all the advice and support I've received on this.
I have spoken to her GP and she will do a home visit today and then decide what my wife needs.
Thank you everyone.

Hi OP, hopefully all is well with your DW but just to flag to you that my DM once had a skin infection that spread to her whole system without her ever having the obvious signs of infection such as redness, pain or a fever - so no-one realised what was going on. All we saw was that she 'felt very tired' and her appetite declined, until after about 3 days she suddenly became almost incoherent, as she had developed a systemic infection and was going into kidney failure.

Only at A&E did the blood tests show she had a serious systemic infection and was very dehydrated. I had to conclude that her immune system was not as on-the-ball as a young persons's and the infection had made merry wtihout her putting up the usual response eg inflammation and fever.

Hopefully the antibiotics are working and it is them that are suppressing her appetite as this is quite common, and she is not more seriously affected. But make sure she is drinking plenty even if not eating. And watch out for signs that she is extra tired and weak. Good luck

I thought I would update this.
Her GP came and organised an ambulance to hospital. I stayed with my wife until 05:00 this morning (Tuesday) and am about to go back.
She has internal bleeding and her kidneys and liver are hardly functioning. Today the doctors will know if they can do anything otherwise it will be pallitive care.

Thank you for the update. Thinking of you both.

Please try to eat if you can, or at least have regular drinks. It's easy to forget ourselves when a loved one is in hospital.

Thank you for updating - how worrying for you. Well done getting your DW the help she needs. I hope that you have managed to get some rest after your long night. Hospitals at night are exhausting. Absolutely make sure to look after yourself too.

Oh my goodness, what a shame. Really glad you got the GP involved when you did.

Thinking of you both 💐

I'm so sorry @NotTooOldPaul What a shock for you both.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

I thought I would update this as so many people have put on such helpful posts.
The doctor decided today to end any treatment and start end of life palliative care. I am devastated but not surprised. .
Her kidneys and liver are not functioning and she is too frail to consider any further treatment

I'm so sorry to hear this Paul 💐💐💐

Wishing you both strength and peace