Living overseas and supporting DF with Alzheimer's.

[Floopsy]

DF was diagnosed with Alzheimer's earlier this year. He has mobility issues and unmanaged diabetes. He and Mum are still at home with DM providing all his care but they are not coping at all. DSis and I both live overseas, so we are not able to provide the support they need on a regular basis. The DP's local GP is unable to see them regularly to monitor and care for them so we don't have any idea of how his dementia is progressing and what his prognosis is.

We really feel it's important that they move somewhere smaller and easier to maintain by DF is adamant he's staying put. Part of it is that he's completely overwhelmed by the thought of moving; part of it is financial.

DSis and I are both at our wits' end. We don't know what we can do to meaningfully support them. We just feel so helpless and poorly informed. What is going to happen to him? How is this illness likely to progress? What kind of care needs will he have and how can we support DM in getting the care for him (and some respite for her)?

Hi OP, firstly has a needs assessment been done by Social Services? If not, that’s the best thing you can do to get them some support. You can ask for one by contacting Adult Social Services in his area and at the very least, that’ll put them on the radar of SS. Ask your mum and dad if they’ll consent to the social worker keeping you fully informed and if you’re willing, you could advocate on their behalf (from overseas). SS will also do a financial assessment and that’ll determine what kind of help they can get from the State (including carers etc).

Prognosis with Alzheimer’s isn’t easy to predict - everyone is different. When my stepmother was diagnosed she was told it was ‘more a steady, gradual decline rather than a sharp drop off a cliff’ but everyone is different.

How far away are you and can one /both of you visit for a decent period of time? You really need to have some conversations with them, and face to face is so much easier. Do you speak to them on FaceTime? How often?

Do you have POA? It’s important to do this before your dad’s illness progresses.

Are they in England? What is their financial situation?

Requesting a social care assessment is the first step to getting help, even if they are self funding. The Alzheimer’s Society also has guides.

Sorry to hear this. Im in a similar position although have wider family around my parents. When it was clear my Mum couldn't be on her own and my Dad wasn't providing the care required we went through a private agency and had a carer come 3 mornings a week to help with the house (cooking,, changing the bedding) and taking mum out and about for a change of scene. I dont think they would have qualified for any state funded care so went straight to private.

The carer we had was brilliant.

Sadly things progressed quickly, things got tougher with wandering in the night, not able to dress herself etc and after falling down the stairs it was clear she needed to go into a care home and have a safe environment with 24hr care.

Good luck with it all x

Some things they might help
Is your DF taking the dementia medication and slows the progress of the disease?
There is a form that your parents can complete that gives consent for your GP to communicate with you and Dsis. Have the done this?
Why can’t the Gp see your DF even every 6 weeks. He should be monitored for weight loss and how he is getting on. You can attend by phone if DPs have completed the information sharing form.
Have they been referred to the local dementia services ? It’s mostly signposting but they come every 6 months and do a home visit. Again you can attend this appointment by phone.
Has an application for attendance allowance been made? Age concern will help you complete this so it has all the correct information/details to get it awarded. They can also get a council tax exemption
If ask for a phone call with one of the dementia charities to see what can be done.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and give such helpful advice. I'm travelling back to visit my parents this weekend and will start to go through these things with DM. She's reluctant to arrange PoA as she feels she's removing more and more control and agency from DF. Ironically Mum experienced similar with her father. He had dementia that advanced very quickly. He was in a care home and they needed to sell or rent the house to pay the fees. His dementia was too advanced to sign the paperwork for either PoA or to authorise the rental/ sale of the house.

I really do appreciate the replies above. I feel completely lost TBH. It's been years since I lived in the UK so I'm really out of touch with things.

The Age UK website is very useful on how things work and what support is available.
You could also help them apply for Attendance Allowance - despite the name it would be awarded to DF, not DM. It is not means tested and you can apply for it on their behalf if that helps, the form is lengthy and in depth but worth doing.

The POA for health only kicks in when capacity is lost. You can use the financial one straight away once registered if permission is granted in the form