What were the first signs of dementia you noticed in elderly parents?

[romatucci]

I wonder what you spotted first as the sign of parent's dementia. My DM is 85 lives independently and manages ok. I visited her this summer (she lives abroad) and I noticed although she is still tidy, she doesn't clean (hoover dust) anymore so I did that for her but she had a freak out and a melt down about it. She would clean her windows eventhough she has a person to do it (just the windows), she doesnt want a cleaner. I visit her once a year because a) we have a specific relationship b) I can not afford to fly more often. I talk to her on the phone every 2/3 days. Last 3 years significantly changed and it is same old with an elderly so I do not really have a Mum to talk about life or ask for help. She was alwasy a difficult mother so I moved out at 21. For those last 3 years I started observing occassional slips in memory, or using wrong words to describe something, can not pronounce words that are not difficult. The strangest thing was 3 years we got a new washing machine and she was not able to memories a 3 steps simple sequence. It was horrendous to watch, she was agressive, defensive etc and just could not either understand it (so it makes sense and you remember it) or memorise it. The words twisting became a continuous thing but today i got astounded by the fact she could not remember my surname. I told her to go by the letters of alphabet in order but she did not want to do that, then I suggested maybe she should check it as this is one of the first major sign of dementia and she went off with 'oh yes I was waiting for you to say it of course yes I have it and I need to be locked away' - she just does not want to admit anything, she has always been very vain and starts to become a bit deluded. Last year I noticed a substantial amount of money in cash she withdrew from her account but never told me what for. Denied it. I wonder should I start worrying? What other signs I should look out for?

-Trouble with short-term memory e.g. Mum will completely forget that she had cooked something earlier that day
-Will ask the same questions again and again
-Issues with cooking- forgetting how to make things she has been cooking for decades
-Losing interest in others
-Losing interest in her finances e.g. she has some Premium Bonds and would always ask me to check how much she had won each month. Now she never remembers until prompted
-Hygiene- will sometimes forget to shower or change her clothes- this one is not too regular at the moment
-Stopped reading and watching tv (except news) as she cannot follow anything

Wearing clothes inside out.
Being more aggressive in words than usual ( caused by small strokes)
Difficulty in spatial recognition eg putting a plug into a socket.

In my mum, it was actually my next door neighbour who flagged it up to us at a party we had, she asked me if I realised my mum was repeating herself quite a bit. She was telling neighbour something then a few minutes later, repeated the same thing. Mum was late 60s at the time.

My aunt's sister also did this, I was in the room and she repeated the same thing around five or six times. Both of them are currently in care with advanced dementia.

Roughly in order - small vessel dementia.

Losing sense of direction.

Reduced and then lost ability to multitask.

Irritability.

Repeated falls.

Losing ability to carry out a sequence of tasks and learn new tasks (such as operating a new phone).

Visual processing difficulties.

Noticable memory loss and loss of ability to carry out already familiar simple tasks.

The last 2 came pretty close together. Gap from the first sign to the last 2 was almost a decade.

Repeating the same questions over and over again.
Forgetting the names of grandchildren.
Forgetting her son's middle name.
Forgetting her husband's birthday.
Forgetting how old they both are.
Losing interest in cooking when she used to be a very accomplished cook.
Ordering a supermarket delivery and repeating the order the following day.

Started very slowly as not being able to remember a conversation we had already had. We laughed about it at the time but it slowly became apparent that she wasn't remembering anything we had spoken about. Bizarrely although she couldn't remember me, she remembered my husband, her son i law right to the end. She knew him by name and to ask after his family

It wasn’t memory loss.

It was:

1. Personality changes which at first manifested as more extreme versions of their lifelong negative personality traits, but over time escalated to complete unreasonableness, selfishness, lack of empathy, rudeness and risk taking
2. Throwing me under the bus with complete lies, especially when they had an audience. Eg I took them shopping and bought a card whilst I was there. I discovered at the checkout I’d left my wallet in the car. They had to pay £3 for the card and they said at the top of their voice to the shop assistant ‘She’s always doing this. Pretending she’s lost her wallet so I have to pay’ in a really malicious way. This was completely untrue. Never ever happened.
3. Being inappropriate - asked the vicar at a garden party about his sex life and wouldn’t stop
4. Called me a ‘silly little bitch’ when I tried to help them click their seatbelt in
5. Ordered 3 identical rugs but in different sizes and couldn’t understand it when they arrived
6. stopped being able to use online banking or any online shopping
7. Couldn’t follow a board game we’ve played for years as a family
8. Less clean. House still looked tidy from afar, but there was mould on clothes, food out of date etc.
9. Able to put on the most perfect act in front of all other family members and doctors for about five years so they all thought I was the insane one.

The memory issues only started about 6-7 years after the above and when I finally got a brain scan that I’d been pushing for for years, it showed extensive dementia.

I was gaslighted FOR YEARS by professionals who all said my relative was showing zero signs of dementia.

I knew. I 100% knew I was right and everyone else was wrong. You just know.