Planning ahead for support families absen

[toomanybrushes]

*Absence... sorry for typo in heading

I'm hoping that others with similar experience can advise on the best way to approach a situation where all 3 of elderly parent's adult offspring will be overseas at the same time (all going to different destinations).

Mum is aged 94, lives on her own and is currently in respite care after 4 hoslitalisations so far this year. Luckily no broken bones but she is increasingly frail with mobility issues and episodes of low blood pressure. She has full mental capacity and is determined to go home in a week or two. She will not accept overnight care at home, just the 2 carer visits per day she has been receiving to help with meal preparation. She does also have a cleaner and gardener plus stairlift plus fall alarm which she will not wear. We believe she has had 'minor 'falls but won't admit to it.

Her 3 children all live at some distance from her, varying from one to 3 hours drive but manage to visit once a fortnight on average. Visits have been much more frequent when she has been taken to A and E and admitted to hospital.

Now we are all going to be away at the same time but she is adamant she will be 'fine' at home. I have suggested further respite care to cover those 2 weeks but she refuses.

So as not to drip feed, one child has a business trip which cannot be changed, another has a visit planned to see their partner's elderly relative who has also been very ill and the third will be going on a trip with husband and their disabled daughter which has taken months of planning and will need both of them there.
Not one would find it easy to get back at short notice and nor would they want to.

So, do we just say ' you're on your own mum, if you continue to refuse an appropriate level of care' or is there a kinder way to make her see reason?

I would be very tempted to say you are on your own. Can she reach a phone if she falls? Or say she needs to wear the fall alarm....

We have made sure that she has a bag she can wear with her phone. She won't wear the alarm, even though she says she will! Apparently it goes off of its own accord. It is the third one, others we returned a 'faulty'

She has full mental capacity and is making her choices: there’s not a lot you can do except accept that and let things play out. The question you do have to discuss with your siblings, though, is what will happen when (and it will inevitably be when rather than if) something happens while you’re all away. WILL you all be able to continue with your trips with the ‘you’re on your own mum’ approach, or will you feel obliged to sort out one of you returning?

If she is unable (and I have been on a very long elderly parent journey and you have my complete sympathy) to see that she is being selfish in her refusal, thinking only of her own wants and not what might support you (mine were completely unable to care about the impact their choices had on us), I’m not sure what else you can do.

I think she would probably get assistance, although not immediately, if she had a health issue. I'm more concerned about her not having any family on hand to support her in hospital. Getting her glasses clean nightie etc and advocating for her with the medics

Thank you for your replies.

I hope all 3 of us will be strong and not return, not least because the logistics would be a nightmare.
I think we have to be strong enough to make sure mum knows this and takes that into account when making her choices

Very selfish behaviour on her part. Could you reframe the extra stay in respite as helping you and your sibs to enjoy your holidays knowing she’s safer? Honestly, I can’t imagine doing this to my children but perhaps everyone thought that when they were younger.

Thanks Branwellgirl.

We have tried that but apparently she 'will be fine'. We will have to try again, more firmly this time.

Ironically mum very much resented her own mother not agreeing to move to a care home until she was 97 and the issues that caused. We heard no end of complaints from her for years at the time. All forgotten now, of course.

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding but if you are away for two weeks, but you visit averagely every two weeks, what’s the difference?

I fully sympathise with the worry. I am caring for my elderly parents who are each just over an hour from me. It’s a constant worry for me.

But you cannot infantile your mother. You say she has full metal capacity so she can make this decision herself. She’s has a carer twice a day, plus a cleaner coming in. She won’t spend the two week period alone.

Edit: ‘mental’ capacity, not metal!

The difference is that all 3 adult children are away at the same time, all overseas.So not one of us can get to her reasonably quickly or easily if she has another medical emergency and has to go to A and E.

You are right, she is a grown woman and we are all worrying about her more than she is for herself or us.

Have a conversation either with her or in front of her about who would help in an emergency.
It’s a good thing Sally next door has the number for the keysafe so she could
get in to get you some clean clothes if you have to go into hospital.

The hospital will deal with it should there be an emergency admission. In my experience the elderly person refuses to think about anyone other than their child coming running to help but the thought of putting out a friend or neighbour focuses their mind a bit.

She’s got capacity so she gets to say what happens here. However, I’d suggest she has a packed bag ready for any unforeseen hospital visit

And if all goes well she will say you all worried for nothing.

Is there anything that needs doing in her house? If there was, say, wall painting or new carpet being installed you could say the Dr thought it best for her to go home after the work has finished.

Perhaps you can think of and organise something like this to cover the time you are away?

Bathroom adaptation is a good one if there is only one toilet in the house.....

OP, if you’re worried that if your DM were to need to go to hospital, there would be no-one to pack what she would need - you mention specs and nightie - why don’t you pack her a “just in case” bag so that if she were to need to go to hospital, she’d have everything she needed? It would be one less thing to worry about.

I think you are just going to ga e to let it play out. What will be will be at 94. Have the conversation with your siblings.

Will your dm have a keysafe with the code known to a few neighbours?

Agree that having a blunt conversation can sometimes help - like asking her whether she has a preferred funeral director if she dies while you are all away.

That’s exactly what you say. If she ends up in A&E so be it. She’ll have 24/7 care.
MIL was also ‘fine’ until she fell and broke her femur. Then straight on the phone to us.
All so predictable. It all left a very poor legacy.