Any advice on how to start planning supported living for elderly parents?

[LongGinShortTonic]

I’d really appreciate some advice on next steps.

DF is 87 and DM is 82. They live 3.5 hours from me, and my sibling lives in northern mainland Europe. They grew up there, lots of roots and friends. they downsized into a frankly ridiculous house (steps everywhere, even on the ground floor) house in a village four years ago which has a bus, shops, church etc and are very happy there.

DF has had increasing health problems for the past 2 years and recently had two TIAs. He’s got a catheter and waiting for a prostate op which keeps being delayed. he struggles with walking and left to his own devices would quite happily sit on his iPad all day. He can walk with his walker or a stick but not far.

mum does everything, and she’s struggling, but won’t admit it. There’s some cognitive issues but nothing major, although she does have arthritis in both knees and when I got there this weekend she was struggling stand up, Dad was trying to help but couldn’t, it was heartbreaking. They have no help in the house and if this was taken away from her she would struggle. My sibling or I go every three weeks to help for a couple of days but it’s not enough.

We are one shuffling step away from a crisis, and I’d much rather they be in control of what happens next. I spoke to my sibling last night and they suggested it was time ‘dad went somewhere, the only question is if Mum goes with him’. It was a hard and businesslike way to put it, but he’s right.

They’ve been married 60 years, I don’t think they’d want to be separated. I ended up in tears.

They don’t need carers, I don’t think, they need to be somewhere with help available if needed and support that can be ramped up as necessary. They want to stay in the house, but without either of us closer that’s going to quickly become very hard.

any ideas or suggestions as we start to navigate this? The conversation might start but it’ll take time to process and to find the right place and we’d rather be informed and them be in control rather than being lurched into a crisis and having to make decisions for them.

A visit from an ot( via falls service/ gp etc) could help advise on where rails etc should be and the best walkers/ aids. There is so much available- expert advice is v helpful.
if there is a local Facebook/ next door page for their area that can be a great source of finding excellent help outside major agencies.
Also check their local county council website which may have links and info.
another idea- they can sign forms which could give you access to their medical records on line - it helps chasing appts / meds etc. ask the gp

Well, I had the conversation with Dad about the two walkers (he has one for outside and has done for the past six months and it's been a real help). But it's too big for inside. I've found some options and it was all going quite well until my mother came on the line with a rant about how she didn't want anything that looked ugly. 🙄situation normal.

I've sent a follow up email with some options. Turns out he applied for the Allowance three weeks ago, but didn't tell any of us. I've updated my brother and he is going to back me up with them.

yes, they would be self funding. I honestly don't think we're at the stage of needing to move - but if something happens to Mum, Dad will be. I've said to my brother that we need to have the information for if that happens. Don't worry, we will not buy! The house is crazy because it's on three different levels on both floors, and it's really oddly laid out - when they bought it four years ago, we were aghast, so it's not a new development!

Great idea on the FB page, will have a look. I used to live in the next village over, so have lots of links. They are open to the idea of a falls assessment.

My rollator is from byAcre and is quite flashy. Mine is red, but there are lots of colours to choose from.

Another thing we’ve done is to have a telephone with lots of handsets, so they don’t have to go far to answer them.

The ‘looking ugly’ resonates with me. Although they need these aids, it’s also hard to admit you’re getting old and needing them.

We also found there’s a fine line between ‘the children’ intervening, and the parents keeping control in their lives. They need the intervention, but can resent it as well.

Also how is the lpa set up: with your brother? How is his input going to be managed?

‘when the Cranes fly south’ - I thought this was a very moving book told from the Elderly parent point of view. It resonated with me.

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Cranes-South-Lisa-Ridzén-ebook/dp/B0D3CMVWB6

@LongGinShortTonic just a word of warning from the other side. It’s tempting to swoosh in with what seem to be sensible, practical ideas assuming that your DPs will gratefully accept them because it means they can stay in their home for as long as possible which is what they want. However what I found was that DPs were fiercely resistant to any helpful suggestions, possibly partly because of dementia but also I think because it hurt their pride and I probably wasn’t as graceful at introducing things as I could have been.

Getting a social services assessment is definitely the way forward. DPs were open to free equipment from Occupational therapist visits and there’s a danger you might not get the right thing if you start ordering items from Amazon. Plus I would save your energy for the things only you can do and get as much set up online as possible.

They are very old school, even though my brother lives abroad, he is the one named before me on the LPA. I got incredibly upset about this several years ago, there’s no point in going back through it. It’s not going to change anything.

My brother really is a good guy, and he and I have a good relationship, it’s been a bit tough over the years but over the past couple of years a lot of effort has gone in on both sides. My SIL is also very helpful and supportive. I have a relationship with him outside of my folks, we went out recently to spend the weekend and are there for New Year. He’s just very businesslike like and solutions focused whereas I am more emotional led.

Love the description of swooshing 😂 I have tried very hard not to swoosh. There’s been radio silence since the call and I totally accept that it’s hard for them to have me step on. When Dad has his last TIA I was already scheduled to go up and literally dropped everything and went, Mum just couldn’t cope. I was with him and privy to all the medical info for 48 hours. So I’m a lot more up to speed than I was, and I’ve shared that with my brother. I tried my best to be sensitive. I mean, I’d hate it!

I also have a very supportive partner and children, I’m very fortunate really. But I am a Daddy’s girl, this is hard.

What I said to them is that whatever I order, it’s an interim solution and they need guidance from the professionals. But when Dad is making his way round the room catching into furniture to keep his balance, something needs to be in place in the short term.

More telephone handsets is a great idea, as is the ‘funky’ rollator - thank you. Ebook - will see if I can get it, my kindle got squished on a ski holiday and I’ve not replaced it!

You are all amazing, thank you so much. It’s so hard and there’s such a fine line to tread. I really appreciate your support.

Id be upset too op. Been through similar myself.

I've just had a call from my Dad, with Mum shouting out her contributions in the background. He's accepted one of the walkers I found for the sitting room, and has promised to use the one he has for outside inside on the lower level. He's also asked me to order a car handle I found. He seemed quite relieved really.

I've ordered them already and I'll push again next week for them to do a GP referral - I'll let them have the weekend to recalibrate.

Bit by bit you are getting there....