Why Does my Mum Keep Lying to Me?

[WingsTingle]

My mum keeps lying to me and I don’t know why. I’m finding it so hurtful and frustrating.

She lives with me and my two children and has done since my dad died.

The latest example of her behaviour is that, for the last few days, she has insisted on doing the garden watering duties of an evening (as I’ve had work to catch up as the children have finished school early, etc.)

Anyway, she took on the task and assured me she had done both the back and front gardens, pots, hanging baskets, etc.

Ive just been out to do it this evening and it is very obvious that she was watered ‘her’ plants (vegetables, seedlings, pots) - but none of ‘mine’ (bedding, potted trees, hanging baskets) - which are now decidedly frazzled.

She is really weird and competitive over our separate gardening endeavours - so I feel like she has done this on purpose.

I am well aware that some of them may not have survived the brutal weather over the last few days - but this is so obvious and mean spirited - I would gladly have done the watering myself but she insisted.

This is on top of many other examples where things around the house (never anything of hers) have been marked / torn / broken or thrown away ‘accidentally’.

I left a relationship that was abusive including gaslighting - and it feels like I’m right back there again.

If I say anything then she plays victim, even though I am always really mindful of not being accusatory or harsh - I know accidents happen, but if they happen, why wouldn’t she say so?

I’m so low at having to constantly replace things or finding something else that has been spoiled or broken - and I really don’t have the funds to keep up, either!

I think the answer is obvious here. Your mum needs to move back out

That all sounds really difficult to live with. Is this behaviour new, the breaking, and marking of your things?

Time for her to go home.

You can't continue living with someone like this. There's nothing more to say.

How old is your mum and why did you move her in with you when your dad died? How long ago was this?

If she's capable of living on her own (and from the little you've said, it would seem she possibly is), then I'd be looking to move her out. And probably not somewhere just down the road from you either.

She sounds really nasty. Is she jealous of you? I agree with everyone else that she needs to move out. I think you at least need to call her out on it, even if you don’t speak afterwards but a conversation about everything needs to be had. She should be replacing your things.

Why? Who knows. We could speculate about dementia, depression, grief, personality disorder or just plain horrible. But you don't need to put up with it. Many (most?) of us couldn't live comfortably with our parents as adults even without these difficulties, it sounds like it's time for you to change things.

How long has she been like this for? Lots of people are keen to blame my M’s behaviour on her age but she’s been like this all my life and older relatives will say that she’s always been like this.