I’m really struggling of late and think it is probably a peri-menopause thing of dwelling on things. Father in law started getting “forgetful” about 6/7 years ago and now has very obvious dementia. He has lived with his partner for 30 years but they have never married. She was a scorned woman from her first marriage and I completely understand therefore that she would not want to marry again and have to then share her assets etc. They are both in their 80s.
Recently his dementia has progressed and so unfortunately he has had to move into a home. Unfortunately this came on the back of a short hospital stay and after implementing the LPA husband has now accessed his bank account. It turns out he has absolutely nothing. About £10k to his name. No idea how he has worked all his life and has diddly squit to show for it. We are left with having to rely on State provision for his care, which has been very difficult to find a home that will be able to cater for his needs. He has finally been offered a place after a couple of months of bed blocking, but it is a little bit further away than his partner would have liked.
She keeps threatening to take him home which we have tried many times to tell her is not an option as it is not safe for him or her (he has lashed out in frustration at her trying to take things off him). She is saying a care home 30 minutes away is not suitable and he needs to be 20 minutes away max. For a state funded bed/home, it is lovely. The staff are all lovely and his room even has an ensuite. We feel very strongly that he needs to stay there. She says she can’t drive herself there and so is reliant on friends, her local family to take her there.
I think the things that are driving me crazy are:-
- There is a standing order of £100 per week from his bank account to her. When he was at home she would say this did not even cover what he ate. But he now hasn’t been there for a few months and it is still going to her account. We had managed to get attendance allowance in the last few months. When we check his bank balance, she is dipping into his account and withdrawing sums of cash using his bank card which she took off him a while ago when he kept losing/hiding it. It started as £70 here and there and has ramped up since he has been in the home to a £100/£200 here and there. This is on top of the £100 she is already receiving per week. She has a house worth about £300k, a private pension, her state pension and various savings. She has a will leaving her estate to her adult child and adult grandchildren. FIL only has this money in his current account and this is being depleted by her. DH and our daughter are FIL’s only family and I feel really strongly that she should not be taking money and should be using her own as she has chosen to keep their assets separate.
- She has made a passing comment about having to sort out some of his personal effects, mostly tools etc in the garage, that her grandson might want some, my DH might want to take some and she might do a garage sale. Again I feel ragey about it. They are FILs personal effects and again you both chose to keep things separate therefore his effects are surely my DHs? Should she be Willy nilly giving his stuff away?
She must be doing through an awful time, similarly to my DH - but she can be so difficult to deal with. Very difficult, demanding and it is all about her. I feel like we are all running around after her, with no poor thought for my DH and him losing his dad to this awful disease. I think I’m just being protective, but my menopausal brain is just dwelling on things and I’m waking at 3am wanting to stop standing orders and to cancel the card she has.
DH wants to just get the permanent placement sorted and then said he will have the awkward conversations with her that financial stuff has to stop as the government will stop the state pension and he will only get £30 per week.
I just keep wanting to vocalise that you can’t not want to become legally entwined, keep all your assets to yourself, but also have his money, and have the final say about his welfare. You just can’t have it all - and DH is therefore his legal next of kin 😩
I know, I need to give my head a wobble 🤦🏻♀️