In reality how much time is left?

[Namechange1oo]

My DH is doing an amazing job caring for his elderly mum. They both want her to stay in her home as long as possible and he’s able to do this around work and family life currently.
its been a slow decline into this, starting with small practical things me and DH could do for her to now, quite a quick change.
in December I worked out she wasn’t able to cook for herself anymore so DH has been making meals for her. Over the last fortnight DH has said she has gone dramatically downhill, more breathless than ever (has been dealing with breathlessness for the last 12 months), falls asleep in her chair throughout the day (nannycam to check on her). She’s lost weight noticeably in the last fortnight, DH has said she’s skin and bone. Everyday DH goes there, makes her breakfast, dishes out her medication, does any jobs that need doing round the house, prepares a cooked meal her to microwave later on, (but her appetite has dwindled and she can’t manage much) keeps her company for a bit then heads off to work and pops in again on way home. Brings her shopping, books, papers etc. She can barely manage to get up and down stairs, struggles for breath moving from one side of the room to another, she only wants to see DH, she’s too exhausted for any other interaction so I don’t go there with the children. I’ve only got experience of sudden loss, so I am just wondering based on others experience, so I can support DH (and mentally prepare for potentially losing a lovely MIL) what timeframes are most likely in this scenario? Appreciate it’s a bit of a how long is a piece of string question.

How old is she, and is her GP currently involved?

She needs to.be seen by a gp for the breathlessness and the loss of appetite. She will need close watching in the coming hot weather. Plenty of fluids.

Does she have cancer? Is she in pain? What does the GP say? The adage is, if you see changes year to year she has years left,if you see changes month to month she has months left, if you see changes week to week she has weeks left and if there are changes day to day she has days left. So based on what you say I don't think she has masses of time but I'm not a medic fo talk to her GP and get some time off work.

Not an easy question to answer, but just to say your DH sounds amazing.

You too !!

In my experience later life care is very difficult and draining. It sounds as if you are doing everything you can to keep your MIL comfortable in her own home.

Just be prepared that you may eventually need help. I researched local care company’s and used them initially for respite care. Towards the end I called on them when things became overwhelming in terms of personal care and that way we were able to avoid a care home.

However, if is a delicate balancing act. You have to look after you and your DH and I had visited a few card homes to determine my options, if they were eventually required.

I did try to engage with SS but found that frustrating. The care company I found through personal recommendation really did make all the difference !!

shes 85, and GP aware of everything. She’s been on prescribed oral morphine for breathlessness and was seen by a nurse at home last week, GP came and saw her three weeks ago. She’s had many tests previously for breathlessness etc she was actually having a palliative team nurse visit her before but that stopped, not sure why!Thank you for your answers thus far!

Your DH sounds amazing! Good for him.
AS you say it's a bit of 'how long is a piece of string' question, but she sounds very similar to my 91 year old DM, especially the breathlessness. Mum had carers coming in twice a day to give her her medication as she was almost blind and couldn't see to self administer, and a meals on wheels service as she couldn't cook for herself and I'm at the other end of the country. She was housebound and got out of breath even after using the stairlift - she had to sit and recover her breath when she reached the top / bottom before leaving it. Her appetite was generally good but apparently at the start of this week she stopped eating, took to her bed on Tuesday as she said she was in a bit of pain and died in her sleep on Wednesday night as I was on my way to see her - so in her case it was quite sudden after a long gradual decline.

Like your DH I had promised DM after dad died that I would do everything I could to see her to stay at home for as long as she wanted, and I'm just pleased that she died in her own bed in her own home as she wanted, apparently quite peacefully.

Honestly it’s how long is a piece of string. My grandmother had a dramatic decline in March 2022 and ended up in care home in November after a heart attack in September that year. Up to then she had been at home with family support like your MIL. After the heart attack, could hardly walk without being really breathless and was released with the end of life drugs to the care home. After various ups and downs, but never regaining her mobility and having a lot of breathlessness and other complications, she died at the end of November 2025 aged 94. The real sign of the end for her was when she stopped eating almost completely and had very little water intake. This lasted around 10 days but there were many false alarms in those three years. It’s a really difficult time and my heart goes out to you all.

Not any sort of health professional, but the sudden marked weight loss, increased breathlessness and sleeping all the time suggest it wouldn't hurt to see if you can get a palliative specialist to come and look at her again.

Primarily they can advise how best to make her comfortable, but also, people in the last stages of life is their daily job, so they'll be able to give you the best estimate of how things may play out from here. (I remember my Mum's palliative care nurse was overheard discussing likely timelines, and she wasn't wrong, as it turned out).

It’s so very, very hard being in this situation. My mum was fairly independent in her nineties, with family support, but started to deteriorate having little black outs which she was seemingly unaware of. We were able to support her at home as we are a large family but wondered how long we would
manage to do it between us 24/7. In the end she died very suddenly.

Something to consider @Namechange1oo is a Do Not Attempt resuscitation form which needs to be completed by a doctor with her agreement. Our mum
was in her mid nineties and given her health at the time did not want to be resuscitated. We arranged for a GP to come out to review her and discuss this but unfortunately she had another loss of consciousness before this was done. On contacting emergency services when she collapsed the ambulance service who attended wanted to resuscitate her. They were in a very difficult situation without the formal DNAR form. It should be kept with the person; so at home then taken with them when they go to hospital. It was the most distressing part of her death.

https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/do-not-attempt-cardiopulmonary-resuscitation-dnacpr-decisions/