Moving elderly mother into a care home - advice appreciated!

[Giraffesdotty]

Hi

My mum is 96 and still living at home with minimal help - just a cleaner, plus carer twice a week who does her washing etc. She has done incredibly well to be independent for so long but admits that it may be time to think about a care home. I should add that she is 2.5 hrs drive from me so it’s very challenging if/when there is an emergency.

At first she was quite resistant to the idea but loves the idea of seeing me and the family most days rather than every 3-4 weeks. Underneath it all I think she’s aware that she is only just managing and is one fall away from having no choice about where she ends up. She is mobile but extremely slow with 2 sticks so this may not last much longer either. She also has clear signs of dementia including little short term memory, lots of repetition etc and is completely housebound.

I have been proactive and looked around 4-5 care homes very close to my home and was impressed by at least 3, to the extent that I could imagine her living in one of them. We are thinking Sept onwards as both my brother and I are away over the summer and I want to be around to help her settle in.

I guess I’m just after some positive stories of moving a parent into care, plus general tips around managing the move. Mum has lived in her house for 60 years, 40 of which were on her own, so it will be a huge change for her.

All advice gratefully received!

Even the best care homes find it difficult to manage the washing of garments effectively.,don’t pack anything that can’t be put on a hot wash. Easy care fabrics that don’t need ironing. Label everything including possessions.

@catofglory Your post reminded me - one of the care homes I looked at said they sometimes had visiting donkeys, who used the lift!!

I'm so grateful for all your advice re timings - my instinct is to wait until I'm around rather than on holiday as I really want to help mum settle in. She will be extremely disoriented at first. I will contact the homes in August and take it from there.

Now you say it, I can understand why you want to wait until you are back from holiday. It does take some planning and preparation, and also you don't want to move your mother to an unfamiliar environment and then not be around to reassure her. I hope it all goes well.

If possible, do a weekly rota of visitors to make sure she sees someone daily. I work in a care home, where I work clothing is labelled by the housekeeping/laundry dept.

Take in any items needed to make it more comfortable, advise on pre admission what mum would prefer when she arrives at the care home. If mum needs help with personal care and assistance when eating advice of this.

if there is a weekly activities sheet let the activities team know of any events she would like to go to.

Where I work, we send the weekly food menu to some residents family members to advise of an alternative if there is anything the resident does not like.

Any complaints you have email the manager / deputy manager of any concerns.

Good luck

I honestly don’t think I would have been able to go on holiday and properly relax without the care home. So, if she’s coping at home for now, I’d trust your instinct and wait until you’re back so you can be there to help her settle in.
We’ve seen DF almost every day during the first couple of weeks, and I think it’s really helped him. He understands that we’re doing this to help and support him, and that it’s a decision we are making together as a family. It feels like his opinion matters, rather than him feeling like we’re just “putting him in a home.” I think that’s making a big difference to how he is settling. I still feel like it’s early days though but I’m cautiously optimistic 🙂

Agree.

I agree with pp there are some practical things in addition to LPAs that I put in place for my Mum before she lost capacity. I asked her GP to do a DNR and more importantly a PEACE plan https://nwknowledgenow.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/PEACE-information-leaflet.pdf.

I also asked Mum to write down what she wanted for a funeral.

You will also need to supply toiletries which you label. Also think about solo activities she can do e.g. books to read, knitting, puzzle books. Remember to label shoes - a sharpie pen is a good idea.

Paperwork e.g. bank statements, savings etc. keep those at yours and use the LPA so you can start to understand her income etc. If you sell a property and invest it she may need to do a tax self assessment if the interest is £10k or more.

Be prepared to find yourself grieving as you help clear her home as you will have a lot of memories and can’t keep everything.

Photograph the minimal everyday jewellery e.g. watch and wedding ring.

Just a little update @Giraffesdotty
We had to return to DFs house last week to attend a medical appointment. I was worried that he would refuse to return to the care home. However, he wandered round gathering up a few bits and bobs. Then on the journey back announced ‘I’ve definitely made the right decision to move’. I can’t tell you how relieved I am.
So-4 weeks in - it’s not perfect. he’s still not loving it. He’s still grumbling about things and still getting used to the new setup. But underneath he has shown he knows it’s the right thing to do.
I do think being around to facilitate the changes have been key to helping the settling in process
Good luck with your situation. . 😊

Thank you so much for posting that @Chelmew I can well imagine how relieved you were to hear your dad say that - a very significant moment! Well done for making it work, and I hope things continue to settle and slowly improve. I'm still at the 'sowing the seeds' part of the process with a long way to go, but your story gives me some hope! Thanks again.

It may already have been covered upthread but jic … finding a setting where card, nursing and dementia care can all be provided was a good decision.

otherwise, however lovely the care home you may be faced with all the disruption of finding and moving to an entirely different home as needs increase rather than being wheeled to a different floor of the same home.

Having done this my top tips are:

• identify what your mum enjoys and check those things out. My mum loved food and a glass of wine but was never that fussed about housework. We had lunch at the homes she was considering and the quality of lunch and chilled attitude to a glass of wine is ultimately what closed the deal
• make sure there are plenty of other residents with the same amount of cognitive decline as her. Ie in your case make sure the home has plenty of people with little to no cognitive decline - harder than you’d think. And check how the home manages this with activities etc. Is the “art” nursery level or is it life drawing classes?
• consider the longer term - what level of dementia can they manage? Is it a nursing home or residential only? How long before she runs out of £ and what then? But don’t base your choice 100% on things that may never happen, somewhere that’s right for the next 3 years is fine.

This was my mum’s decision. But for your mum if she’s uncertain then maybe pitch it as a trial - if she still has capacity to choose to return home then don’t infantilise her by pretending it’s definitely short term.

They always grumble about the home.