Care Home advice

[2fatducks]

My mother is in her late 80's and very independent, going out with friends several times a week, clubs in the evenings but has decided she is lonely.

She has mentioned she would like to move into a care home, but would still like her independence to carry on going out and about.

Does anyone know if care homes allow this? I am waiting on call backs from 2 care homes I contacted as the online chat couldn't answer.

As a side note I think she has early stages of dementia/cognitive decline and cannot see a home letting her out and about on her own. I am in contact with her GP re the suspected mental decline but not getting anywhere fast with them.

Has anyone's parents been in this situation?

My mums care home absolutely does cater for this. They have a separate dementia floor. Everyone else can come and go as they please

Depends on the facility, many have different floors or wings for different needs. I know a lady who brings herself to church or nips to the nearby shops, she has the exit code, not everyone does!

Would a retirement setting be better? My gran lived in a block of apartments with communal living room and help on call if needed, it was near the village centre and most residents were active and sociable. She could rent one for a while if you can't find the right care home.

If she has capacity, and no deprivation of liberty order, they can't prevent her. They aren't prisons.

A care home is a jolly expensive way to deal with loneliness though. And possibly not very effective. Staff are busy, and in many homes the majority of resident will have quite advanced needs and won't be good company for someone more with it.

MIL was in a care home which had a residential section and a separate dementia wing. She was in the dementia wing and could not go out.

But in the residential section people could come and go as they pleased. Some had mobility problems but they were not mentally or physically unwell. It was useful because if someone developed cognitive problems they could move across to the dementia section. That sounds the type of set up your mother needs.

Most care homes will offer a trial of a fortnight/month to see how it works out. She would have company from the other residents and although it is expensive it is 'all inclusive' so she wouldn't be paying utilities or other bills which she pays at home.

First things first. Can she afford £8k per month without selling her house and if she has sufficient savings what will happen to her house?

Having experience of both care and retirement type complexes.

Please please just rent a retirement complex. Do NOT buy. There is normally a minimum period of 12 months but with the new laws that might well have changed for tenants. Retirement complexes are great. Lots of people feeling like you do, lots to do BUT they dont pick you off the floor if you fall. They wont take people with dementia and you will need to be interviewed by them first.

They cannot have people who cannot be trusted with ovens etc or who wander around at night knocking on people's doors. Some places only have a Building Manager during office hours.

Totally agree that a retirement village isn’t suitable for someone who may have Dementia. There is also the real possibility that your DM’s cognition will take a step down after a move and sometimes this step can be a big one. At the moment being used to her home and neighbourhood will mask a lot of problems.

Also agree that around £8k a month is an awfully expensive way to try to tackle loneliness.

What does she have in place now? Does she have any carers? Does she have any phone calls from befriending services? Does she go to any clubs or day centres?

My mum goes to a day centre club once a week (it runs 3 times a week). They pick up and drop off. She has dementia but still quite with it. She is enjoying the day centre and looks forward to it. I think it’s about £60for about 4 hours plus a home cooked lunch. Can’t remember exact cost.

they play games, do a bit of singing etc

Thank you all very much for replying. Have had a chat with one of the Care Homes today. Basically after giving them some examples of my mothers decline, she said she would need a care assessment by the home, but probably they would not be happy with her being independent.

I do think her being in her own home could be masking her decline amd the move could make it a lot worse. I have already looked into a befriending service, but TBH she has a better social life than me! I will be trying to sell that to her this weekend.

If the care home think she isn't safe going out independently, then she probably isn't, which is a concern as she's still doing so while at home. People with dementia tend not to be able to see their new shortcomings and believe they are able to do things they are no longer safe to do. The manager should be able to assess her by couching it as a 'chat'.

If she is interested in going into a care home I would try to strike when the iron is hot, because there is usually a lot of resistance to it.

She would of course still be able to go out accompanied by you or a trusted friend (or carer, my mother's care home did outings for small groups).

My late Mum had a befriending service. The lady used to come to her home which Mum really liked rather than a phone call which seems to be the norm now. I would suggest please that you dont get too bogged down in trying to make her feel less lonely.

I spent a frustrating year trying to get Mum to join into things. She said she was lonely but didnt want to make any effort in doing anything and if your Mum has light dementia this will only get worse. I tried to tell Mum if she was lonely she had all these options most of which I could arrange for her so she only needed to be ready and willing to attend but she refused. I

Care homes are filled with people with different needs. They can be very lonely places if you are the only one able to make a decent conversation. I think your Mom needs a private carer/companion who can help her live independently and safely at home as long as possible.