Using elderly parent's house as a hotel

[puddleduck33]

DH thinks it's ok to stay with elderly mother as he has always done. She's late 80s, advanced Parkinson's (and possibly dementia) and has carers twice a day. We live 4 hours away and he uses her house as a base when he needs to visit the area. He also says it's to check on her. I think it's too much for her and he should stay in a local B&B or hotel. He won't listen to me. Am I overreacting?

Probably best he's there than not.

What's the issue?
Presumably he does his own washing, cooking (hopefully for his mother too) and expects nothing from her.

If you do all the work and she has room, fine.
If not, not fine.

I couldn't disagree more.

His mum gets time with him, and he gets to check on her and see how things are.

On a personal level, I'd be absolutely gutted if my child was visiting my area and chose a hotel over my company.

Why do you think it's too much for her? Presumably he doesn't expect her to do anything for him?

No, even at late 80s she’s still his mum & will enjoy his company. Probably a good thing as well incase she needs something doing or has an accident!
My nan is mid 80s and would have one of her famous strops if her kids decided to get a hotel instead. 😂

Is she pleased to see him, does he clear up after himself? If so then I think he should continue to stay there.

If your husband is that oblivious to female tolerance, then I'd say you probably deserve the break of him staying at his mum's.

What makes you think its too much for her?
Is your husband inconsiderate?

Well if he expects her to make up his bed. Cook his meals and wait on him hand and foot. It’s probably too much. If he’s making the beds. Doing the washing. Cooking her meals and cleaning up then it’s fine

Unless his mother has said something I think you are being ridiculous- it’s far easier to help a parent and to check on their health if you spend a decent time with them and it’s good company

There are a lot of aspects of people's health and how they're managing that you can only see by spending several days with them. Popping in briefly is much less effective

Assuming that he isn't actually creating work for her, of course.

When his mother has doctors or hospital appointments, especially if she continues to deteriorate, it's vital that at least one family member is aware of what she's able/unable to do, and when her care needs change. It makes complete sense for your DH to be staying there regularly.

My MIL lived 2.5 hrs from me and nearly two hours from my SIL. One or the other of us (SIL more often than me, in fairness) stayed with her overnight almost every week, when her dementia became significant. Her neighbours were great, but we were the ones who would be needed to feed back to her doctors/social care.

My dad is 94 and we still stay with him when we go. He sticks to his regime of meals and bedtime and we do ours but get chance to chat and do things in the house

Jesus god - loving son spends time with his elderly mother shock horror

On the other hand, my uncle would have a weeks’ visit in the area his mum lives, and pop round for ten minutes to see her. That was a shitty thing to do.

It's a great way for DH to keep well informed of his mother's abilities and care needs.

She would love the company.

Your huband is capable of not causing extra work for his mother. He should help with chores and take food, shop with her and spring clean some of her cupboards etc.

It's a chance for him to notice low supplies and house repairs and garden tasks needing attention.

You could also visit at the same time.

We do similar, take own bedding and towels and buy/make our own meals.

Depends- my mum would have been really upset if we stayed elsewhere. However Mil put a stop to us staying overnight following lockdown- do we stayed in hotels.

Of course you are overreacting. He said he checks on her . As long as she’s not attending to him .