What short-term private care might help my elderly mother at home

[WaltWitmanItIs]

I’m at the end of my coping ability. Mum is on her own and has developed a problem in her femur bone at the top of her leg. It is excruciatingly painful. She can do nothing herself and any movement is agony. She can just about manage the loo herself.

I have been doing everything, plus my own job, for 2 weeks. I can’t cope any longer. I will call some carer agencies in the morning. But whilst it is late, and my mind is racing, can anyone give me some guidance?

It will be privately paid for, I’m sure her savings will be above the threshold (whatever that is).

What sort of care do you think she needs? Say 2 weeks of something to give me breathing space and try and get her medications right to control the pain better. There is nowhere for someone to stay (I’ve been on a camping mattress in her bedroom).

And ballpark what would this cost.

My brain is imploding with the stress.

The usual deal is anywhere up to four visits a day.

two visits are normal where the help is (in morning) - get up and showered/cleaned and dressed and breakfast
evening get ready to bed into PJs etc.

four visits will handle meds, three meals (ready meals or similar) etc.

whet meds is she on?

Tbh this is not meant to be difficult but if the pain is new and that bad I would call an ambulance? Could she have broken it?

Has she seen a doctor? Is the problem likely
to resolve with treatment, or is this now permanent?

might be worth considering a few weeks respite care in a residential setting?

This might help
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/
And/or phone their helpline

My MIL fell before Christmas and went home but has had carers visiting 3 times per day and also had overnight support for some time too. Initially she needed support to get to the toilet and make meals etc. but now it's blured from post-fall support to the fact she seems to like having the support each day and doesn't seem minded to cancel it now she is doing better physically. She can afford it, so it's her call. But as others have said, two or three visits a day is the norm. Good luck getting the support you need in place.

Have you 100% needed to be there 24/7 to look after her?

Do you think this is a short term issue or a long term issue?

It partly depends on what she’s prepared to put up with.

If she goes private she can have as many visits a day as she wants, but between visits she would have to be prepared to use incontinence pads rather than a commode/the loo, and wait till the carers arrived for food/hot drinks/company/medication/the TV remote control.

The alternative is a couple of weeks of respite in a residential care home.

Any private care agency will start by coming out and doing a assessment; they are experienced in working out what people need and you will be able to take their advice (especially if you get 2 or 3 out for a chat).

If she needs funded care then social services will make the decision, and it’s likely to be less generous in terms of number and length of visits.

Thank you everyone. She has been seen by a Dr. I don’t really understand what is wrong with her, other than it causes pain that likely will resolve in 2-3 months. But the Dr said that is a long tome at that age so will likely lose a lot of function too sadly.

It’s a good question whether I have really needed to be there. I feel so because of how much pain she is in, it is horrendous. So when it is at its worst she needs help just moving her leg or from chair to bed while the worst of the pain passes. I can’t bear to think of her in that pain all alone.

Maybe a bit of residential care would be better while they fiddle with her medications. Would she be under their Dr or how would that work with her own GP?

thank you for the link, I will look at this.

I feel very alone and scared with this. I appreciate all the replies.

Thinking about it, the problem is the pain just now. I feel I could manage the cooking and cleaning etc if she just wasn’t in utter agony.

Has she had an xray or just been seen by the GP? If she’s in dreadful pain I’d be arranging an xray/ going to A&E in case there’s a fracture.

You need to break down of the different needs DM has.

Practical - cooking, cleaning, managing at home
Social care - washing, dressing, toilet
Health - managing her pain, medical needs
Other - emotional support, companionship

How much of this can you do? Agency carers can do it all if needed but you must be clear about what you are asking and this will inform how many hours you need.

Agency carers can be around £35ph

A big consideration for you is consistency, talk to agencies about who they will be sending as the problem with multiple short visits is that they often send whoever is available so there are constant new faces.

There's only a limit for state funded care

OP says her mum can have private carers

@WaltWitmanItIs I wonder if residential care is best. My mum was in respite twice and they are very good and there's a lot more attention available.

In terms of dealing with medications, we found they were very helpful although they do also have to speak to the GP. However, I did think that they were more likely to be able to speak to the GP than we were

Both a private care agency and a private care home will want to do an assessment before they agree to take on the job

I hope you get it sorted. I know how hard it is.

No xray but it is something that confirmed on a blood test, it was explained that it was like an infection which causes inflammation.

I did ask about an xray and they said it was not needed.

Sorry if this is stressful to hear, but I also would be concerned about that

It could be that she's had a spontaneous fracture. Which is useful to know, but I can imagine that they would put it in the box of "who cares" which is so common in the NHS now. I would be pushing for one because things like physical movement will be very dependent on that and you don't want to make situation worse.

also in the event that there is a fracture, certainly a carer or a care home would need to know, and I would say with a fracture a care home is the best place for her till she recovers

Thank you. This is very helpful. I can definitely do the ‘other’, but a mix of the things you have listed. It has made me think more clearly about it thank you.

Ball park cost is useful too. I wonder at what point giving up work becomes more sensible!

Thank you. I’m beginning to think this might be best as a short term thing. I hadn’t considered this.

Dare I ask the cost?

I feel they would deal with it all better than me, which must be better for Mum.

Thanks. I think deep down I am worried about this. I’ll follow this up again tomorrow. Thank you, I needed to hear this.

Recommend that you apply for this for your DM

It is not means tested

Can be used for anything like carers, cleaners, taxis

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Thank you, I’ve just spent some time reading through this and it sounds like she would meet a lot of the criteria even before this most recent episode. This would be a big help. I appreciate you adding this.

@WaltWitmanItIs
Has she been referred to the frailty/mobility/pain clinics? This needs more diagnosis than seems to have been made and her pain relief needs sorting.

Do you ha e health power of attorney, permission to deal with her dr on her behalf? I think you need to start advocating hard and be clear that you cannot be a full-time carer.

No, you shouldn't give up work because of the impact on your pension, etc.

Thank you. She was seen by a physio/occ health type person a few months ago, but I had already sorted rails and things and she didn’t need much more at the time. She gets to a community elderly strength class which they said was just as good as physio, so there was no need for further input.

This pain is new, and has come a bit out of the blue really.

I spoke to the GP surgery today and a district nurse is coming tomorrow. I will be clear that I cannot keep doing this.

I also spoke to some carer agencies and have two assessments booked (Friday and Monday). I feel at least I’ve made some steps, thanks to the advice on here.

Mum won’t do power of attorney (long story but her sister was very taken advantage of in a similar sort of situation. It was very different, but I understand where her reluctance comes from. I am working on at least getting a health one which will be less contentious than finance for her).

It sounds like you are making great progress @WaltWitmanItIs well done!

Do not give up your job. It only gets worse.

Just to point out to op that to claim Attendance Allowance the person needs to have had difficulties with personal care or care needs for six months. If this has not been the case ( op makes it sound like this is a recent problem ), she may not qualify until six months has passed. In my experience of helping a lot of people apply they are very strict on this rule.
EDIT - sorry just seen op that you said she would meet the criteria prior to this latest episode.