Struggling with elderly parents in a toxic and abusive marriage

[AdventuresOfSnufkin]

In a difficult position with my elderly parents. I'm 40F, my entire life they've been in an emotionally abusive and toxic marriage with occasional violence, breaking things etc. It was a very unhappy home to grow up in but my mum always said she couldn't leave (because of us kids). We've all flown the nest 15-20 years now but they're still the same. My DF (now 85) has been involved in a legal battle for the last 20 years with his only remaining family and spent tens of thousands on legal fees. He's also a stock market gambler and been losing money. Recently found out he's launched another civil case against his family. My DM is crying and despairing and is afraid they might lose the house. I feel so powerless. They don't trust or like each other. I don't think there's anything I can really do to help. Dad is aggressive and belligerent and has never listened to reason, regards everyone else as a inconvenient burden to him. Its traumatising to hear mums distress at this latest development but equally she has refused to leave him for the last 40 years. Don't think there's much I can do except hold boundaries and wait to see what happens. I feel bad sometimes that I worry about what happens when he dies because I don't want to deal with a funeral or having to talk to anyone about him,.his behaviour has cast such a long shadow over his family's life. I'm frustrated with my mum too for never being able to leave. It's all very sad and difficult for me and my siblings.

So sorry to hear. I’m not sure there is a lot you can do other than gently let her know that you would help her if she did want to leave.

Can you (and siblings) push a united front that you do not support the latest civil claim, you are concerned that it’s jeopardizing their financial security and you collectively will NOT bail them out when it doesn’t pay off? Maybe write a collective letter if face to face is hard.

it’s highly unlikely your mother will divorce your father but maybe sending a clear message that you don’t support this action and won’t help mop up any damages could make an impact?

I think it’s so upsetting that he (and your mum) can’t just find some peace at this age.

Is there some way to broker a deal with the other side of the family so that your father ‘wins’ but you pay the share, or whatever?

Tell your mother you'll support her if she wants to leave him, but that you can't listen to it all any more.
Re. funeral, you don't have to have one, go for direct cremation if you can. If that's not an option, detatch yourself for it as much as possible. You don't have to discuss him with people if you don't want to.
They are who they are and you can't fix them, and you deserve to live your life without all this drama.

Unfortunately I don't think any of that will work, the united front has been tried before. Things are very bitter with the other side so I doubt they'd be receptive. None of us could really afford to do so anyway. It is upsetting for sure -validating to hear others think so as Dad becomes aggressive at any suggestion he's wrong and angry that we're not supporting him.

My parents had a similar marriage, though he didn't have money to throw away or throw at any particular thing. My mum developed dementia and unfortunately became extremely aggressive, so we found a suitable care home for her. He then had a fall six months later and died at the end of last year. We had an ordinary cremation, those who wanted to said something, those who didn't just didn't so there's no pressure to do so. One grandchild chose not to attend at all. If your mum has decided she wishes to live her life like this then theres nothing you can do.

Sorry to hear about your situation too, thanks for that it's good to think about that kind of option re cremation and depending on what mum wants we don't have to have the ceremony open. It's very grim to be thinking like this but it does worry me from time to time. He does have some friends who think well of him but it's just not enough to counterbalance his awful behaviour to his family over the decades.

Is the other side also spending (wasting?) equivalent amounts? Is it the same generation (dad vs his siblings, so you might have a cousin who feels the same as you)? What does winning look like for your dad?

Have been in / witnessed more than a fair share of family feuds…. What worked (or at least saved my sanity) was pointing out that at this point there is no outright victory, and that no one cared about the inheritance/pride/face that others were getting so het up about. Other than that, stick to your own boundaries.

What a grim situation. Try not to focus on the funeral, there are lower stress options on the day like direct cremation or just a completely bog-standard cremation guided by the funeral directors with generic minimal words etc, I dreaded my dad’s but actually it was fine (though there is a slightly surprising picture of the three of us children at the end of it looking inappropriately happy, we were so relieved it had been all right).

As for the case; how crap. I’d just refuse to talk about it, the way we did with my dad’s scammers, oh sorry, ‘business interests’. Literally fall silent, change the subject, walk out. Invite your mum out of the house or to yours. Let her feel at least a little peace away from him.

Thank you this is heartening to hear and yes I think that's what I'll have to try to do with mum. I can't get embroiled in it all.