DF refuses to help himself - it's wearing me down

[PartyintheKitchen]

My DF, 81, has various health issues but still mobile, still with it, drives, lives 1km from me so I see him very frequently. He suffers pain mostly from stress, rumination, v likely depressed, inactivity (short walk daily but mostly in his chair) and being on his phone for hours every day playing solitaire. He won't take anything for pain relief as worried it will make him dopey (even paracetamol) and will absolutely not engage with physiotherapy. When I ask how he is I generally get the quip back "I am how I always am", "bad morning", "bad day", "the usual blue day". He comes to visit and will sit or stand staring at me until I give him attention to allow him to vent about his woes, it's mostly always the same, it can take an hour each time. He literally won't help himself and has openly said he doesn't want to take any of the medical advice he has recently been given (physio, pain medication, anti-depressants). Terrible to say but he looks like crap, worn out and that gaunt look elderly people get. His life could be so much more pleasant if he took some painkillers, or some anti-depressants and went to physio or tried some small activities in his day - 180 difference. My mom passed away 3 yrs ago, he misses her terribly, he is lonely for her, he is really struggling to move on and has indicated many times he is just waiting to die.

I am so fed up of this, I have been heavily involved in caring for my parents for 5 years now, and there is no end in sight. I have 3 kids and work an insanely busy job. My DH works FT and is often on the road for work. I started a tag-rugby last winter as I recognised that I needed something for my mind and body - it helps a lot.

I don't know what I am looking for here, not aibu, but I just need to share. Nobody in real life gets it. I have 2 DBs who don't get all the venting or moaning and they often say "poor DF, so sad for him" or "oh I just ignore him and he has stopped telling me". My DF also says "oh your DB1 is under a lot of pressure with his 3 kids and him and his wife working full-time" - gah, hello, I am in literally the same boat! "But you are so much more able to cope". I know I need to do the same as DBs, it's hard though as he literally will stare me out of it to engage. We went away for a weekend recently, just myself DH and kids. DF made a comment "oh maybe next time you can visit my homestead" - which is not a break for me at all.

I hate this part of my life. I hate being the rock of the family, I have always been the rock of the family - being the rock is shit! I find some days that I am full of anger for having to deal with this, really resentful.

Stop.
Stop asking how he is, stop expecting him to change, stop being the rock.
It's not easy and I'm not saying walk away and ignore him, but accepting this is how he is and you cannot change him will help.

I think it’s interesting how some people react to aging and health issues. It seems to me that some people are more likely to engage in things like exercise, physiotherapy etc. Whilst other people just refuse to do anything at all. I guess it’s their choice.

Interesting that your brother says he just “doesn’t listen“ so that your father has stopped moaning to him! Could you try that? Allow a 30 second moan, then pointedly change the subject, however many times you need to, or leave the room to do chores, say you are going to have a nap (as you are so tired from the stress of your busy, hectic, working and family life: hint, hint) or say you have to go out, even if you don’t.

Nobody has to listen to someone else moaning constantly, particularly when that same person minimises or ignores one’s own struggles, which is what your father is doing.

I suppose it’s harder if your father visits regularly or if you are enclose contact regularly, but even then there must be ways of minimising this, eg. saying you’re busy that evening, or you need to have a nap, just end the conversation because (whatever, make a list of ready excuses) or whatever.

It does take time to build boundaries, but it can be done. Fact is you have to be ruthless, and ignore the guilt. People do get used to a “new normal“ eventually.

Another thing I have noticed is that those who refuse to do anything to help themselves seem to moan the most! Even when, sometimes, they don’t actually have a lot to moan about compared to others health struggles. (I’m not saying this about your father by the way).

Just reading through the responses now, thank you all.

I agree, for a man of his age he is actually in really good shape but he just can't see it. I know I say he looks terrible, I think he has an aura of stress and depression about him (maybe just I see that?). Even my 85 year old uncle, his "big bro" said to me he was worried about me and DF's impact on me with his miserable approach to life and my aunt declaring that "your DF should take the drugs, he's so old now what has he got to lose?!" 😆. I remember when he was about 70 he bought a car and declared "this is the last car I will buy" implying near death. He has a new car since then!

I will try to stop @thedevilinablackdress and @PintoPinto I like the 30 second moan window then change subject or move on.

I also have ancient friends who come in on the bus from their village and hang out at mine droning on about all the things that are difficult in their lives because they refused to do any future planning.
Last week I decided after making them cups of tea and ignoring all hints to drive them home, to carry on with my gardening which is what I had planned. In the 15 minutes that I was out she had managed a poonami in the bathroom ( it was everywhere) and he had knocked his tea all over himself. I tidied them up and walked them back to the bus stop.
I am often out on bus days. Mean but necessary. They are looking for someone to step up while doing nothing themselves. I’ve dropped the rope.
You have my sympathy. Tell him staring is rude.