So I was looking at possible care homes…

[tobee]

My parents are currently relying on a live in carer and relief carers for the live in carer (which alone is 2 x hours a day). The live in carer started in mid March to look after dad (who has moderate dementia) as mum had a long hospital stay and then a rehab hospital stay for about 2 months. She had broken a femur and dislocated a hip replacement requiring 3 hour surgery. She’s 90 next month and dad is 91.

Although physios were optimistic that mum would gain more independence and so on, my sister and I are thinking it’s likely that this isn’t realistic. (Obviously if it is - problem solved). Paying for live in carer etc is not going to be affordable for many more months and they will have to sell their home and self fund care home to live there permanently. So I’ve been looking at care homes. But so many questions. These are my major ones:

1. how do you decide what you think is affordable? I can see some super duper homes that start at over £3,000 per week per person. All the way down to less than £1,000 per week. But how can you possibly guess how much they can afford when you don’t know how long they will live?

2. did people who have found care homes found personal recommendations are the way to go?

3. Anyone had to get care for both parents at the same time? Was it fairly easy to find homes that that could take 2 together? I’m not expecting it will be easy to find a double room.

4. I’ve found several nice looking places on a tentative online look but that’s all very well but they may not have spaces. How hard was it to find a home you liked with vacancies?

We’re in the south east of England by the way. Part of me wonders why people don’t just go for the most expensive option because why not? I’m slightly joking here but it’s all seemingly like guess work.

Obviously going to visit etc will tell me a lot but there seems to be about 70 bazillion care homes in this area so how can I make a short list? Looking online seems pretty superficial. All reviews on the site say it’s been fantastic for their “loved one” so far.

Does that proof include ownership of a house/ flat ?

I'm in the same situation ATM OP, totally overwhelmed by it all.

@tobee I won't try to help with financial queries as others have done that much better than I can.

However, I would say, if you possibly can, go with personal recommendation. All is certainly not what it seems in some homes. No home will be perfect but you want to be absolutely sure that the important things are right.

A family member was in a care home in the South East for just over 4 years and I never had a moment where I worried about her safety. It might not have looked like a 5 star hotel as some do but it was clean, comfortable and cosy, never smelt of wee and the carers built such a fabulous rapport with each resident.

I’d definitely not rely on the glossy photos or the overall review score alone. When I was looking into this, the most useful advice I found was to read reviews for patterns rather than individual comments: recent complaints, repeated mentions of staffing, food, response times, communication with families, and whether issues keep coming up over months. This article explains that idea quite well: https://www.rightcarehome.co.uk/blog/how-to-read-care-home-reviews-pattern-guide-uk. I’d use that alongside CQC reports, fees, vacancies, distance for family visits, and whether they can actually meet both parents’ needs before making a shortlist.

@MrsCarmelaSoprano in my mother’s case the home we were asking wanted 3 years’ fees in cash in the bank, separate from any unsold housing. My guess would be that that’s the usual situation (though 3 years was unusually tough - I actually think they didn’t want to take her). We didn’t have that, so that was the end of the conversation. You need to ask some blunt financial questions.

Id also say that although it’s certainly true that most shiny and expensive does not equal best, the worst homes I have seen are also sometimes really shabby.

There is a website that can tell you which care homes have vacancies. I think its called care home select.

I 100% agree with the above.
Do not be taken in by the flower arrangements,coffee bars,cinema etc .
Avoid the corporate care homes like the plague ! Staff are disrespected by management,never get a decent break and not enough staff on the shifts. Staff turnover very fast and generally not a particularly happy environment. I speak from experience!
When you visit homes just pick up on the vibe within seconds of walking in ,do you see happy carers with good natured banter with each other and the residents?
Are the residents occupied with imaginative activities etc .
Ask to see the menu ,how long has the manager been in post ,how many nurses on the shift?

In a way, the decision was made for me. My parents were both in hospital concurrently - when the first was moved to a council-run CH on Discharge to Assess, I knew it was a safe and loving place as soon as I set foot in there. I made sure that the other parent was moved there when they were D2A, and both are now permanent residents, with no worry of having to split them up when the first runs out of funds. I hadn't realised previously that they are viewed as single people in terms of finances when both are in care, but they are. They had the choice of either using one room as a bedroom and the other as a lounge, or 2 single rooms. It's not the fanciest place, but there are many permanent staff, all staff are kind, and care for me as well as my parents. After a horrendous few years dealing with their decline alongside a vile sibling, it's such a relief to have them there and safe Good luck finding somewhere for your parents x

I used to visit care homes for Healthwatch, who interview the residents (look on their local websites for carehome reports). Sometimes the ones I came away feeling distressed about were the posh ones, yes lovely decor and velvet headboards etc but all the residents were in their rooms in the afternoon, some quite lucid but very lonely. In contract the much cheaper one I visited had no ensuite rooms, but all the residents were in the lounge and as a result had much more interaction with the carers who weren't constantly having to rush from room to room, and it was all quite jolly!
As others have said, strongly recommend visiting at lunchtime to see how meals are dealt with.
If the grounds are advertised as lovely, visit on a nice day and see of any of the residents are actually encouraged to be in the garden.

I was told by a manager that the price doesn't affect the ratio of staff to residents, I'm not sure if that is correct, perhaps someone on this thread might know.

Don’t look for fancy new places necessarily. Look for happy residents , visitors and staff.

We went very local to us and asked around from others who had experience of the home itself . By chance it was the cheapest and not one with all mod cons but the one that had nice staff and good food . I think the importance upon good food is not stressed enough . The residents all eat together in the dining room and all sit together in the lounge .
We visited them all on spec just a little notice ,so they wouldn't be on guard and hide and spoke to other residents who lived there and more importantly their loved ones . This convinced us they were the right home for my Mum.

This is something I have had to go through recently. I ended up needing emergency respite care as I couldn't care for DM with mild dementia due to DD being in hospital and DF had a fall and had gone into hospital. It was a Sunday - some homes were not contactable some simply said they had no vacancies (fair enough) others basically said I'd have to wait until they got round to assessing her. One home I spoke to the RGN in charge and she got how frantic I was (I was facing a social admission to hospital at that point). Asked me to wait half an hour whilst she contacted the manager, called back and said she would do an over the phone assessment and then would need to speak to the manager again which would be another half an hour. Called back within the time frame to confirm that they would admit mum. WHen we got there we were met by a welcoming party who had all been briefed on her and her care who bent over backwards to help her settle in. The nurse I'd spoken to admitted she had felt sorry for me being in that situation. The home is not the prettiest but the care is exceptional - they are all kind and caring and go way above and beyond. DF was there for a few weeks on discharge before he died. The reviews on carehome website all reference this - the care is exceptional even if the building is fugly (but spotless).

This is so true! Since I last posted a lot has happened and mum has moved into a lovely place,couldn't ask for nicer. I would recommend just turning up to look round , don't make an appt.

When we were looking at care homes for various parents/ILs we liked all the ones run by not for profit orgs, noticed the ones run by chains had high staff turnover and lower staffing levels and ones that were standalone/group of 2 or 3 were either lovely or awful with no in-between.

Just to add, OP, make sure you have Lasting Power of Attorney.

I looked at far too many care homes for both parents over the last 5 years. Its easy to say see beyond the shiny new services and fresh flowers. I agree to a certain extent but its very easy to say well worn places are much better. I saw a couple like this. They took both self funded and local authority residents.

One in particular was scruffy, corners hadnt been cleaned etc. The hospital told me that was where Mum was going for 6 week respite care. I didnt have a choice so dipped into Mum's savings and brought care from a private provider.

When looking for a care home for late mil, my favourite, think cheery staff & residents, lots of activities etc was run by the local authority, slightly shabby around the edges, but really good vibes. The staff told me that a private room rarely became available as social services block booked most of the rooms. I was also told by someone I knew in the NHS that the fancy one with a cocktail bar and silver service waiters etc. was great, but let itself down if care needs increased. We settled on a Bupa owned home, because she was a bit of a Hyacinth Bouquet and quite liked the idea of being in a private 'hospital'. The care was fantastic, but their EMI (as it was then called) home down the road was pretty miserable, so we knew we would have to look again one day fairly soon. In the end the staff hung on to her despite her being challanging (she was barred from the hairdressers), and even though she should have moved to EMI she died peacefully in the original care home.
We also looked at insurance, she had to have a medical to ascertain how long she was expected to live, they said approx six years; the cost of the insurance was equivalent to 4 years care so made financial sense considering her assets, but for some reason I can't remember now, we decided not to go ahead. She was in care for a year before she decided she didn't want to live anymore and died shortly after.
Op, I wish you all the best during this sad and challenging time.

ive just been catching up on my thread again as mum had another hospital admission. (Symptoms of a tia/stroke but nothing showed up on the ct or mri 😕☹️) And also planning stuff for her 90th birthday party. So lots of driving up and down to hospital and too knackered to visit care homes although it’s becoming more urgent. 😮‍💨

You have my sympathy. We have just had to find my 90yo DM a nursing home in about 10 days flat and it has been extremely stressful. It had been on my list of things to do to research in advance of need ....

My DM had an A&E admission so we were busy with an unknown outcome, hospital visiting, and trying to identify somewhere suitable. She moves in on Wednesday. It is a 10min taxi for my 96yo DF.

Best wishes to you, your DM and your family.

My tuppence worth. My relative has been in care for just over a year. It’s been a good experience

Flashy & expensive not always good. Look homely, stable staff and flexibility.

Ask about mix of residents and their ability to chat etc if your loved one will be in dining room interacting. The day to day routine really boosted out relative and they started being more interested being more interested in the world again.

Ask about food - prepped on site or cook-chill. Do people like it? This has been the one downside of our experience they moved to cook-chill about 2 months after admission and it’s been awful. The more able residents led a very good campaign and a new chef and kitchen team are being recruited. The residents are delighted.

Activties schedule is important. My grandfather was in a basic home (his choice) with very limited activity option. The one we use now (different relative) has multiple things on each day ranging from visiting ponies, kids from the local nursery, university outreach talks (not well attended apparently but my loved one loves them), seated exercise and the local pipe band. They also go out a lot - local library, boat trips etc.

The other thing that has been great is the laundry. Lambswool knitwear has survived intact. Unlike boil washing and shrinkage sewn in others.

My loved one has just been in hospital. And getting back to the home was a relief for everyone. And the first time discharge wasn’t a confrontation between me and the staff.
I wanted them back in a familiar environment that is less risky whereas before home was the risky place.

Going into care has been great for my mental health and my loved one admitted they were glad they were there and felt safe and cared for about four months in.

I saw your thread about trying to shortlist care homes for both parents while also working out how long the money may last. We built RightCareHome to compare homes against needs, fees and risk signals rather than just brochure copy. Would a five-home independent shortlist have helped at this stage?

We went for small ‘homely’ home with a family type atmosphere ( my parent has dementia) we turned up to visit one day and the friendly cleaner opened the door and chatted a bit to us , the manager was showing us around and suddenly ran off mid sentence to help someone with a sippy cup , there’s a cook and people in and out. It felt like home rather than a home. I asked the staff how long they’d been there..20 years for some and no agency staff. I got recommendations from several different sources in the community and everyone that knew it recommended, of course we looked at reviews on the internet . You can turn up at any time to visit.Fingers crossed our parent can pay for the rest of their life but the home does take local authority funded residents too ( with top ups maybe) so if they were to deplete all their money it’s reassuring that they wouldn’t have to move The home is also qualified in end of life care. All of these things were important to us and it’s worked out perfectly. It’s expensive, they all are, but middle of the road price wise for where we are.

Yes our parent’s is non profit, we chose it because it’s the one we thought suited them best though.

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