Talking of ‘love lies’ (in the case of dementia)…

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

…my mother (already over 90, practically zero short term memory) went through a phase of wanting to go and visit her parents (dead some 30 and 50 years). ‘…because they must be getting old and could do with some help.’

The house she was thinking of had been demolished in the 70s, and she hadn’t lived there since the beginning of WW2!

Being by then very adept at the good old ‘love lies’ I would say I couldn’t take her today, because my car was in for a service/the road was closed because of a bad accident)roads were very icy - any other plausible sounding excuse - ‘but maybe we could go tomorrow?’
Always kept her happy for the moment.

A friend's mum couldn't remember her husband had died so friend kept telling her he was visiting his brother for a few days and she hadn't wanted to go with him. Her mum hated her BIL so it worked for a couple of years until she stopped asking where he was.

You could always say we will see or maybe another daythen change the subject, OR they are away atm, i visit my alAunt fortnightly and she was talking today about her Sister and wanting to meet her in town, anyway my other Aunt died 7 years ago and I had to say I would look into it for her, my Aunty seemed content with that.

Nothing wrong with a lie in these circs if you ask me. No point whatsoever in upsetting the person unnecessarily - I just agreed with the mostly nonsense my mother came out with (or changed the subject) - it was incredibly upsetting to me, but she had literally forgotten the whole thing in two minutes anyway.

Speaking as a social worker for many years, sometimes we have to enter the person's reality as what is the point of causing them distress. Imagine having to relive losing someone you love. You don't need to lie to her but distract without correcting her version which you seem to be doing really well.

Out of the blue, my FiL started asking where MiL (dead 10 years) was. New to dementia then, we explained gently that she’d died some time ago, but he was terribly upset and cried - only to forget and ask again half an hour later.

So we started saying she’d gone to the shops, or to visit Auntie So and So. Which always kept him happy.

It was a decided learning curve, that’s for sure! In many ways we were utterly clueless at first.

Yes, my DF is beyond everything now, but I sometimes use this tactic with other residents in his nursing home when they are getting anxious or distressed. Provide some vague reason for a delay - person is at the shops just now, but will be back soon, etc, then distract with a walk, cake etc.

My father who has Parkinson’s so a different sort of memory loss, at time is transported back to his professional, very successful, life. I have 'taken down' several letters to business contacts long dead about various things.

They will probably forget the reason you give so can use the same one on repeat 😔

Weirdly, the first time my DM mentioned my DF as if he was still alive (he died 10 years ago) she explained his absence because he had just popped out for a walk, which was the excuse I had ready if she ever asked where he was! It really caught me off guard and didn’t know what to say in response.

Agree. We have to meet them where they are. I used to find it really entertaining to follow a train of thought with my loved one. Some days there was distress that needed distraction, other days it was just fascinating to watch where the rambles took them.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I am totally clueless in how to look after my DM. I’m sure I am doing it wrong a lot of the time. She is unaware she has issues and feels sorry for friends whose partners have dementia and says how horrible it must be for their families to have to cope with a relative like that.

This rarely worked for me with my mum. She would ask when she was seeing her mum (who I had never met as she died before I was born), I would try the sort of thing pps have mentioned eg “soon”/“she’s just gone out”, “she’s coming later” etc but this would just start a flurry of impossible to answer questions and frustrations.

What worked for us was to tell her as swiftly and matter of fact as possible, that her mum had died 40 years ago and kindly that she knew this and been able to live a happy life since she’d gone. We’d then change the subject. It was a conversation we had to have frequently ( sometimes multiple times a visit) and the bare facts dealt with sensitively caused less confusion and distress than lying to her.

I appreciate this approach would not work with others.

Dementia runs through our family on my mums side we have seen and heard it all, but i think them feeling sorry for "others" is quite common, i think all you can do is agree with them that it is a shame and sad.

Tricky one. I think it's better not to lie if possible. Something like 'I haven't seen her for a while, how has she been?' might work. Or 'Do you remember that lovely dressing gown she used to wear round the house, I wish I had one like it'.
As a pp said, if that kind of thing doesn't bring comfort: 'Actually Mum, she died a while ago, we did tell you but you've forgotten. So you needn't worry about her at all.'

Sorry I’m not clear, but this comes across as naive/wishful thinking at best, are you planning how you might handle this in the future? I think you might need to think on it a bit more or see how this goes in reality. Making a dear relative relive a profound loss multiple times an hour seems cruel to me and we never did that with DGM.

I have said that to my MIL when she kept asking for her late husband. She would say 'Oh yes, I remember now,' and then forgot and move on for something else. If it caused distress each time I would not have done it. ETA: she was relatively fortunate to have a very 'gentle' form of dementia. She rarely was sure where she was or who was who, but was always interested to be given the information, and nothing distressed her much.

It does wryly amuse me when people recommend ‘changing the subject’. It never worked with DM or FiL - they would insistently ask the same thing over and over - as if there was an angry bee buzzing in their bonnet. I once counted 35 times in one hour with FiL.

As for those people who used to recommend distracting my mother ‘with a nice cup of tea’, only the fact that such advice was largely online, saved me from having to strangle them!

In the Care home we were advised never to tell FIL we were leaving but just going to get a cup of tea.

Worked brilliantly as he wasn't upset and within 2 minutes he'd forgotten we were there.

Just be careful if the person is relatively mobile as Ive known some people with dementia try to take themselves off for a walk to find the relative .They might not get far but if their balance or mobility is affected, could easily have a fall. Many years before I worked in care my Great Uncle did exactly this. He thought we were on his childhood London st and the shops where his deceased sister was were round the corner and was very determined to head down the mile long remote farm track in Scotland where he now lived. He was the most gentle soul but it was one of the only times he got quite agitated when he couldnt get out of the house.

My friend is a dementia nurse and her tip is always that you can reduce the questions/distress by identifying the underlying need. Eg if your mum wants to help her parents, you give whatever answer eg they're away on holiday this week. Then you think what the underlying need is eg to help, to feel useful, and find another activity that addresses it, eg feed the birds.

My mum's repeated question is whether I have any grandchildren yet. I'm not telling my boys to get breeding to stop the questions.