Refuse to care for aging parent

[OneGreyBiscuit]

I've been NC with my DM since Xmas and I'm completely ok with it. She's getting on for 84 and is in need of some sort of of knee or hip replacement. I will refuse to care for her as I do not want to as she's been a useless parent all of my life. Examples of emotionally abusive - never wanting me to have any kind of life, verbally abusive - when I didn't get a job in boots was told because Im not pretty enough, physically abusive - having a hard heeled slipper lobbed at me, sexually abusive - opening her legs with no underwear on. These are only a few examples, not rose West level, but I would never do these things to my own dc. I'm now her only child as my db died in 24, never being free of her either. Is my thought process bad as I just think if she'd been a better mother I would've been a better daughter.

Fair enough. You didn't ask to be born. She should have thought of all this when you were being abused. Don't give it another thought.

If you are NC with her who is going to ask you to care for her?

I wouldn’t worry about this at all; just be happy with your choice to break free form someone who did you wrong.

Her neighbours, who are my ex friends whom I'm also NC with now, but the husband is still in contact with my ds and will try to get to me that way

OP no one can force you to care for a relative so stick to your boundaries.

Block anyone who tries to guilt-trip you.

No abusive parent should expect the child they mistreated to care for them in their old age. You reap what you sow...

Stay strong OP. You've done well not only to go NC but to have stayed NC. Don't worry about this. No one can physically force you to have any contact with your mother or to care for her. If any queries are made, ignore them. Let your son know that your former neighbours might try to manipulate you through him, he can be prepared to say it's nothing to do with him or you. Otherwise forget about it and continue on enjoying your life free of your mother.

You sound totally reasonable. You’ve thrived despite her, rather than because of her.

I’m seeing friends now get caught up in the “sandwich generation“ caring for both kids and elderly parents.

We got no help with our kids when they were younger. Like hell am I doing any elder care. They enjoyed their “bucket list” early retirements saying/demonstrating “we don’t look after grandchildren”. I don’t look after old people. Fair’s fair.

Stay strong. Block the neighbour if they start to put pressure on you.

Don't waver. I had an ok relationship with my mom, but it wouldn't have cared for her. I would have gone round for company, taken her shopping and out for a coffee in these circumstances but personal care- no way. She will have to get carers in. Actions have consequences. This is the consequence for her. Keep yourself well. Stay firm. Ignore anyone else telling you what you should do.

That's fine, OP, you don't have to do it. If anyone does ask you, just say no.

I looked after my mum when she had her hip replacement, it’s one night, the 1st night home, the neighbours can do that, your NC for a reason (I was with my F), do t give it another thought, don’t let it drag up old memories. She will have a community nurse to give her injections they can keep an eye on her. Stay strong. If they ask are you going to help with her say no

Oh, I thought you meant the hospital discharge team or something similar. Her neighbours are of no consequence to you.