MIL wanting additional stops when I agreed to just one.

[7238SM]

If you take your parents/in laws to medical appointments or to ONE shop, do they add on extra shops/banks etc? I'd potentially be more flexible if MIL actually asked, or had no other support, rather than just saying 'Oh and I need to go to the bank, and then I need to pop into Sainsburys and then....'. MIL does drive, can order all manner of crap stuff online herself, but refuses to do internet banking. Her mobility isn't great, so being driven means she can be dropped near the entrance- because she refuses to consider a disabled badge.

DH and I work full time and live a distance away. SIL works part time and lives 2min from MIL, but MIL doesn't want to bother her or BIL! And yes, we are saying no to added stops. Sorry, I just needed a rant!

It seems a bit ridiculous for one of you to drive that distance to take her to the GP for example, but then refuse to stop off and go to the cashpoint / pick up some bread / whatever on the way back.

But maybe you need to be clearer in advance. "I've had to rearrange quite a lot of my appointments / workload to get the 2 hours off to take you, which I am happy to do, but obviously if the appt runs over, I just don't have the capacity to do anything else as this isn't an afternoon off for me, I have a meeting which starts at 3.30 that I can't miss" type conversations.

Obviously it depends on your/ your dh's work and how flexible it can be, but I would be inclined to aim to arrange things on days you don't actually need to be back, and give her the time occasionally, even if it means you can help her out less often. It would just be less stressful all round.

Maybe she misses you and wants to spend time with you

Get your DH to set up the bank for her. It’s likely her closest bank will shut one day. Get prepared now.
Explain you don’t always have time so she will need to call SIL or BiL next week etc so she’s not in the habit of always using you.
You’re going to have to stand up to her in the way she does it to you..
I wouldn’t have an issue with taking her to an extra stop. But I’d not be driving someone to a bank. I’ve had internet banking for decades! It’s not like it’s recently come in.

If you live a distance away, presumably you’ve taken the day or half day off work, so I’d just go with it: do her errands, go and have a coffee, go in her house with her when you get there. It’s a bit unkind to give the impression that you can’t wait to get away from her.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

-These are not regular GP/dental appointments but consultant visits at the hospital which can't be changed without waiting weeks for another slot.
-MIL comes to our house often for a meal and DH (and me when not working) visits her too. He calls her several times a week.

It’s a bit unkind to give the impression that you can’t wait to get away from her

Sorry what? My work is flexible to a degree but if I've planned 2hrs out to take her to her appointment and changed my meetings to accommodate this, and only then she wants to add on multiple stops, I'm not always able to change my schedule yet again. Its not about getting away from her- its about being asked in advance and the family dynamics that her own daughter's time is more important that DH's and my own in her eyes.

Yep my Gran was like this. We HAD to go to Morrison‘s for the hot cross buns as the two other supermarkets we had just been to didn’t stock Morrison’s hot cross buns.

Aww maybe she is lonely ❤️

SIL works part time and lives 2min from MIL, but MIL doesn't want to bother her or BIL

Oops my sympathy mysteriously evaporated.

Refuse to do it and offer to go over for a nice cup of tea in her garden for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.

Lol I remember this with my much loved Nan. Choosing the right bananas in Morrisons OMG and choosing a birthday card? - don't get me started 🤔
We laugh about it now tho and I wish so much I could take her shopping now.
X

You need to remind her in advance - MIL, I have to be back at work by 3, is there anything else you need to do? Maybe allow a quick extra stop IF it fits in time wise

And BIL/SIL do need to help out too!

I think it’s pretty standard my mum does it
And tbh I expect it
but don’t understand why you can’t tell her you need to get back for work

My MIL did this, every single time. It was hard to grit my teeth and get on with it, she was not my favourite person.

Initially, I think she did it that way as it was harder to say no if we were already in the car; latterly I think she was just disorganised from cognitive decline, and these additional chores just came to her when we were passing.

It’s frustrating as hell when you are having to watch your time, but ime, it’s not likely to change.

'Sorry I've got meetings then. Please can you ask SIL this time.'

You are allowed to say no sometimes. Id even call SIL myself and say can you take MIL please to her Dr as I'm busy.

I agree with PPs about making it very clear when organising that you only have X amount of time and you have had to move meetings/ rearrange work to go so can only do the appointment and back. If she wants to browse/ have an outing this will have to take place when you/dh/ sil are off work.

It is very common. Both DHs grandparents do or did it. My own grandparents do it.

I have a family member who works in elderly home support and their company does medical appointment transport and errand running as well as cleaning and care. The company and carers are very clear that the transport is booked for going to and from medical appointment only, there will be no additional stops/ errand running without prior arrangement. Errand running has to be booked separately. My family member explained that a lot of the time (especially if limited mobility/ limited transport) they see the appointment as part of the outing out the house and think they can do other errands whilst out. Especially if the appointment is at a drs or hospital in a town centre they are familiar with. It's suddenly I'll go to the drs, pop to the bank, have a look for some clothes/ item at x, pop in the supermarket and get x. They see this as getting all the jobs done at once whilst they have the transport.

What a lot don't realise is that the carer is on a schedule, schedules have been re-arranged to take Doris to the drs, they have allocated 90 mins of carer time for this - this 90 mins includes pick up, loading into vehicle, driving to location, parking up at location, unloading out of vehicle, walking the short distance to the drs surgery, appointment time plus overrun allowance, collecting prescription (if required), returning to vehicle, loading back into vehicle, drive back to clients house, unloading at clients house, getting client back into house and settled. Some clients can take a while to get into and out of vehicles - especially if they have mobility aids and walk short distances. Doing multiple stops with loading/ unloading and walking to places adds lots of extra time that the carer does not have in their schedule.

Why doesn't she want to bother her daughter?

Just text SIL yourself. ‘MIL needs to go to GP on X date but I’m working - can you cover?’

I sympathise, i think people forget what it is like to work- especially if you are accommodating they can tend to think your work is optional and your time is available

when I take my mum to appointments it gets dragged out into a very lengthy saga. I know she is lonely but I’d like to spend time with her on the weekend or when we both agree is convenient, not at arbitrary times around appointments that then get spun out. Unfortunately she needs more of my time that I can give as she is quite isolated (but I live 2h away, have primary aged kids including a 5yo and a serious full time job)

Just keep ramming home the message about her not bothering to get a blue badge "Oh I wish I had time to take you to xxxx, but I've got to get back to work - if only you had a blue badge I could park closer and we've have had enough time to go. Oh well, never mind" 😀
She has a solution but it suits her better to inconvenience you.

Why can’t she just get a taxi to medical appointments? I’d hate to have to rely on people so much, I really hope I’m never like this.

My work is flexible to a degree but if I've planned 2hrs out to take her to her appointment and changed my meetings to accommodate this, and only then she wants to add on multiple stops, I'm not always able to change my schedule yet again.

Drip feed.

But yeah - it does sound like it's all a pain in the arse to you.

This. Having the blue badge makes it so much easier to park, find spots etc and it saves us a lot of time. Can you apply on her behalf if she won't do it? Would she be won over by the financial argument - i.e in a lot of car parks you can park for free with it

I wfh and my sister is freelance, and I think my dad equates that with not really working i.e. we have endless amounts of time after apts etc. We have outlined that we shuffle stuff around to get him to apts etc (which I am hugely grateful I can do with flexibility at work) but he just doesn't realise the effort it takes to do it

Some of the stuff he has refused to do (i.e. blue badge, change appts to a better time etc), we've overwritten him and done it anyway. Sounds shit but he has no concept of trying to understand the impact on the rest of the family and doesn't really grasp the behind the scenes work we do to keep him independent at home.

I think there is no consideration on mumsnet for the elderly disabled, and I think I'd rather top myself than ask any of you for help.
It's all very sad.

You've explained that clearly to us, and might need to repeat the same thing to MIL several times for her to take it on board. It's completely reasonable.

Yeah, OP has so little consideration for her MIL that she rearranges her work to take her to her appointments, visits her, and frequently has her over for meals. What a bitch, eh?

The MIL has a daughter and son in law living one minute away and the daughter works part time. They are doing nothing.

MILs son lives ‘a distance away’ and isn’t doing these trips either.

OP, who is not related except via marriage and also lives ‘a distance away’ is the only person bothering.

She makes time, shuffling her own things around at work, gets there and the MIL says ‘oh I’ve got these other non essential things I want you to ferry me to as well’.

I really think she’s entitled to post here and she is not showing ‘no consideration’.

Your DH needs to insist to his brother/sister that they need to do their share of helping MIL