My dad has been remembering his old friends from his regiment, and feeling the loneliness of his extreme age. So I emailed the regimental association, asking if they knew of anyone else still alive from Dad's era. To my surprise, I bawled all the way through drafting the email. And I bawled again when I found the entry for Dad on their website - photos I've seen at home, but barely any info, none of the tales I grew up on.
Since my parents' health and capacity started to plummet, I keep trying to prepare myself for losing them. I find myself in tears every few days. (Not randomly, always as a result of doing something for or with them.) Unless I'm with Mum or Dad, or I'm at work and must master myself, I try to sit with the feelings and get used to them. I have to accept the situation and the only thing I know for certain will eventually happen.
This is the first time I've found myself bawling uncontrollably. I just felt completely bereft, even though I'm not - not yet. And I wondered, "Is this is what it will feel like when Dad is gone?" I'm crying again while writing this post, but it's not the same. It's just sad, I'm not overwhelmed with grief. Just tears, not bawling.
This is what I mean by exploring what grieving will be like. Do you let yourself sob, and listen to how your body feels at that moment? Does it help? Either now or after they have gone forever?