Do you explore what grieving will be like?

[ButSpringDidNotKnow]

My dad has been remembering his old friends from his regiment, and feeling the loneliness of his extreme age. So I emailed the regimental association, asking if they knew of anyone else still alive from Dad's era. To my surprise, I bawled all the way through drafting the email. And I bawled again when I found the entry for Dad on their website - photos I've seen at home, but barely any info, none of the tales I grew up on.

Since my parents' health and capacity started to plummet, I keep trying to prepare myself for losing them. I find myself in tears every few days. (Not randomly, always as a result of doing something for or with them.) Unless I'm with Mum or Dad, or I'm at work and must master myself, I try to sit with the feelings and get used to them. I have to accept the situation and the only thing I know for certain will eventually happen.

This is the first time I've found myself bawling uncontrollably. I just felt completely bereft, even though I'm not - not yet. And I wondered, "Is this is what it will feel like when Dad is gone?" I'm crying again while writing this post, but it's not the same. It's just sad, I'm not overwhelmed with grief. Just tears, not bawling.

This is what I mean by exploring what grieving will be like. Do you let yourself sob, and listen to how your body feels at that moment? Does it help? Either now or after they have gone forever?

This can happen to me if I let it- but it’s anxiety and it’s robbing you of what time you have left with them. Worth exploring strategies for cutting this off as soon as your brain starts going there.

I did with my DF - I think it was anxiety as much as anything else. I was anxious how I would cope without him, plus supporting my kids, (one DD in particular adored him) and knowing I would have to take over the care of my DM.

I was careful to do it in private away from anyone else in the family.

Did it help? No! It's 15 years since he died and I can feel my eyes welling up even now. With my DM it was more complicated as she had dementia and rarely showed any spark of the DM I had loved so much so it was a relief when she was free of her suffering. That was nearly two years ago and I still feel like I am coming to terms with it.

This will not help - I thought I’d done most of my grieving before my loved one died. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

I've done this for as long as I can remember. Parents, DP. I eventually realised there might be something wrong with that and it wasn't healthy and I actually do it less now DPs are elderly.

My step-father died of lung cancer so we knew the end was coming. One of my life’s regrets is not telling him how much I would miss him when he was gone. I’m welling up now and he’s been gone over 20 years.

In a way I think it’s lovely that you care so much about your parents. My grandfather was very lighthearted about his time left on earth. He spent his 90th year winding up companies who sent him marketing leaflets with “Time is running out” all over them. He would phone up the companies to tell them yes, time was running out, he’s 90, so stop sending him things to remind him of this. He also told me that death is fine for the people who die, it’s worse for those who are left behind.

All I can say is own your love for your parents and try to make their last years as fun and positive as you can. Give them a good end and then treasure the memories.

In my experience it won't help. All you are doing is spoiling your present, your time with them now while they are still here.

Nothing can prepare you for grief. I knew for 13 weeks that my dad was dying. Somehow my mind adjusted to focus on just being with him pretty much every day and just loving him as much as I possibly could.

I could never have anticipated that feeling of him being 'gone'. 4 years later I still struggle with this from time to time. The emotions that hit me, the unbearableness of 'loss' - you can't know what it's like until it happens so please don't waste any precious time imagining what it will be like. Time enough when you go through it for real.

This can, if managed in the right way, be a Stoic method of dealing with events. Google praemeditatio malorum. It’s not about yielding to anxiety; it’s about preparing oneself for bad fortune that the future holds, and thinking through how to deal with it in practical terms, AND how it might feel (but in a ‘safe’ environment, where the bad thing isn’t actually happening), so that you are more able to cope when the worst happens.

I’m sorry - it’s wonderful but also sometimes so sad, having an elderly parent.

Nothing could prepare me for losing my Dad. In hindsight i should have cos he was so sick, but I'd convinced myself they'd sent him home cos he was getting better not cos there was nothing more they could do. I had left home just after he was diagnosed so was kind of out of the loop. I was heartbroken when he finally went, after being told more than once to prepare for the worst only for him to make leaps and strides and improve. Preparing for the worst may seem like a good idea but nothing feels like losing a parent.

Thank you for your replies. I’m not ignoring - I’m sure you all understand that this is a difficult subject to think about, and sometimes we hide from it. I appreciate what you’re saying.

If it helps, I found the actual grief after my mum died entirely different from the anticipated grief. There was so much to deal with on a practical level in the immediate weeks after her death that I didn't shed any real tears - everyone marvelled at how "strong" I was and I genuinely thought I had done my grief after I cried daily while she was in the hospice. It hit me about 6 months afterwards when I went to phone her to tell her something completely random and absolutely floored me. There is no linear path through and trying to rush through is counterproductive.