Step-parent - how to navigate

[Farmy]

Anyone else navigating an elderly childless step-parent?

Parents divorced when we were in primary school, both remarried. Our stepmum has been around for 35+ years now, doesn’t have kids of her own and our dad died several years ago. We’ve got on well with her and I’d say we’re quite close. I live abroad and sibling lives a 5-10 min drive away.

Stepmum is now early 70s, and we’re beginning to think we’re seeing signs of dementia and she’s starting to do things that seem to be cries for help rather than directly asking for help or talking about things. She’s sociable, active, busy with friends and various groups, quite young at heart but also quite needy. And I think lonely and wanting attention or connection that I don’t think either my sibling or I can realistically give.

We love and care about her but there is still a sense that shes a parent figure rather than a parent which seems to make it complicated in a way that I don’t think would be complicated if she was our actual parent. I think she found emotional support in her friends but that that only goes so far. She misses my dad, he looked after her, she loved being looked after. And whilst she’s been quite amazing in how she’s coped in many ways since he died I think the cracks are starting to show. My sibling is stepping up but I’m concerned there’ll be a toxic rescuer/victim dynamic that will grow.

Anyway not sure what I’m really looking for, maybe just someone to chat to who’s been in a similar situation perhaps…

I'd suggest that you, and your sibling in particular, put in firm boundaries now and don't start to do things which which you don't want to continue doing as time goes on.

I’d agree that a stable amount of contact that you can sustain is better than trying to meet her needs fully for a short time and then not being able to deal with it.

It’s very hard and quite frightening as I approach that sort of stage myself in the not too distant future. Brutally, what’s her financial situation? Do you think she has options and choices?

I think the biggest compliment you could pay her role in your life is to be the one who actually forces conversations about these things. I find the simplest way is just to state what you’ve seen as an accepted fact. ‘Your memory isn’t what it was Jane. I do worry about the future. Do you ever think about something like sheltered housing?’ Stuff like that. You have to do it a lot though. As an example my mother took five years to agree to do a PoA, and three solid years to take in that her sister had dementia. Denial is a strong drug.

Thank you for your replies. It’s easier for me to set boundaries as I live abroad and I’ve suggested my sibling only takes on what is doable, as they’ve had their MH challenges over the years too. Let’s see.

Good point about sowing the seeds, SM is a bit set in her ways / stubborn and we have already seen her shutting down certain conversations or being a bit in denial about things, and then is overwhelmed and doing odd things as cries for help.

Re finances… my dad was very astute and we know she’s already made some naive decisions that have negatively impacted investments he’d made, he would be absolutely spitting feathers tbh, but she’s not including us in those decisions, which is infuriating but I guess her prerogative at the end of the day.

So I don’t think she’s minted but the house is a decent value and maybe there’s some other investments that she’s not yet trashed, but not easy to get it out of her. Again the step-parent dynamic makes this bit a bit tricky….

We’re in a similar situation to you although a few years earlier in the scenario.

I appreciate that it’s much easier said than done but I can only agree - radical honesty is the only way with these things. I’ve done the ‘I love you lots DSM so I’d like to understand what you would want in situation xyz’.

We have, sadly, had a falling out over the financial side of things as I disagree with how freely she is spending what precious little she has. However, she is an adult and I have to accept that I can advise and ask questions but ultimately it’s her choice. It’s incredibly hard as I know we will need to support her financially at the end but, as you say, one cannot be forceful with a step parent as one might be able to be with a parent.

Thank you @GladiatorsFan it helps to know there’s others in similar situations, though I’m sorry to see you’ve fallen out.

It’s a very odd and tricky and delicate dynamic.

Is there a father's will in place?

They had mirror wills which basically say that assets go to the surviving spouse first, then upon the second spouse’s death it’s split three ways between me, sibling and SM’s relatives.

At the time the wills were written, Dad was super ill, and think his main concern was ensuring SM was financially ok knowing that she had no other income. I tried to gently suggest putting the assets in a life interest trust and it was a bit much for dad to think about by that point and stepmum’s friend advised her against this with light undertones of me and sibling being grabby… and it’s been very challenging to discuss finances ever since.

Of course now that dad has died it’s all hers and god knows if she’s updated her will since then. Sibling is going to attempt to discuss the topic to try to understand what her financial situation is in light of future care needs rather than from an inheritance POV. But we are both worried about how that’ll come across given the past.

I don’t understand how mirror wills are meant to settle any of these issues, given either Will can be changed.

Exactly. Not a great set up for blended families, but I think dad wanted her looked after and trusted her to follow what they agreed together at the time. He was good with investments but honestly I think was ill / stressed / on a lot of medication when they updated their wills and thought this was simple. He was also Johnny long pockets so did a bloody DIY will……….

I would actually be very surprised if she has changed it, but can’t be 100% sure.

The money / inheritance is what it is, I have to compartmentalise that as SM has already made some poor decisions, but ultimately it’s hers so can do what she wants with it.

I’m not there yet but I may well be in the future. DF is mid 80s with Parkinson’s and DSM is late 70s. She’s in good health currently although doesn’t drive in the dark. I will do as much as I can to support her if needed as she’s been a wonderful wife to my DF but they live 80 miles away. She does have nieces locally though who she’s close to.

I’ve had similar.

First, I think you need to assume that there will be no money left when she is gone. It’s sad as it’s not what you wanted, but no good will come of wondering about this. Quite possibly some will be left over, but think of this as a surprise when the time comes rather than something that concerns you now.

Second, I entirely agree with PP about being honest and open with her. Don’t just think about now, think about the future. You can look at a range of scenarios with her - would you or your sibling do personal care? What about admin or home help? What options might she have eg moving closer to other family?

It will be an excruciating conversation, but it’s kinder to have it than to let her assume things that won’t happen.

Financial advisor - suggest she sees one or offer to go with her to see if she likes him/her -there may not be much money but she should be wondering how she will cover paid care if she needs it (could have a fall anytime - even a fractured wrist needs help)