How can I best support my mum while dad is in hospital

[BestZebbie]

Hello! I am wondering if any of you have practical tips or experience about supporting the elderly parent who is not in hospital when the other has had a health event.

My Dad has been admitted to hospital, had surgery and is now beginning to recover in the expected way. This has been stressful and worrying but he is currently diagnosed, monitored and being looked after.

I'm now concerned about my Mum, who is at home alone, who has had all the stress and fear to deal with and is now going to the hospital daily on public transport so my Dad can be frustrated and angry at her because he doesn't like feeling vulnerable. They live three hours from us so I will be visiting at weekends and phoning each day but can't pop round daily. She does have friends and neighbours, and does not need food provision.
What can I do to help her?

Would she be willing to take Taxis some of the time?
I am going through similar but it was my Mum
who was in hospital in the last few months.
My observations are:
Men are much less resilient than women and can be very difficult.
Make sure to speak with OT/physio. He will need to demonstrate he can climb a flight of stairs. They can do this by having him do this at the hospital. Before discharge home. If they have stairs at home this is important. It often gets forgotten.

Otherwise I would say just be there for her. Possibly get her log in for food deliveries so you can do that when she is busy with your Dad maybe.
I have realized that often being there is the best thing. You can’t fix it but you can try to prevent your Mum doing too much for her husband and men can be very selfish when they are unwell. It’s frustrating

By being there I mean phone/messaging etc when you can’t physically be there. I can’t as I live so far away

I think maybe have a word with your dad and tell him to tone it down. You all yunderstand hes been sick and its frightening and he may be in pain - that doesnt give him a free pass to abuse your mum. We shouldnt allow this kind of thing to happen on thr grounds that hes a man, hes older, hes under stress, its just the way he is etc.

What age are your DPs?
I would be a bit cautious at being so full on with the visiting and support as what you put in place for emergencies often becomes seen as the norm when the crisis has passed.
Sorry I know that sounds callous but it’s easy for elderly DPs to become reliant on you and very difficult to pull back.

They are 75 (Mum) and just-about-to-turn 80 (Dad) - but apart from minor creaks/loss of stamina for both and a stent for Dad several years ago they have still both been active up until this week: holidaying, walking, doing full-day hobbies/volunteering etc, so this is the first time I've really had to deal with them needing support from me (though I have helped them with older aunts etc).

I would say that Dad is actually slowing down, napping more, gradually heading into a later stage of 'elderly' (which will presumably now accelerate quite a bit) whereas Mum is currently still at the older end of 'active retired' (I wrote elderly as this is the elderly parents topic). She can technically drive and has access to a car, but didn't drive until I was an adult so she only has the confidence to do familiar journeys in their immediate area, hence the public transport to the hospital.

I would encourage your mother to drive more. Perhaps take her out in the car on some ‘new’ journeys and to the hospital. Or encourage her to have some refresher lessons. She needs her independence.

On the one hand, this might work. But someone who's never been a confident driver is unlikely to become one in later life. I second the idea of taxis for some of the visits, at least one-way. Easier said than done to persuade folk to pay for them tho, even if there is money available.
Very importantly, encourage her NOT to say everything will be fine and she can do everything when he is discharged. When OTs, physios and whoever else is involved in discharge planning speak to her, she needs to be clear what she can and cannot do. It's hard, but it will help everyone in the long run.

Honestly I wouldn’t encourage a timid 75 year old to restart lots of driving. There’s enough elderly drivers on the road who shouldn’t be without adding to the list. Far better to encourage her to take taxis - show her how to use Uber if it’s available. Many elderly people have this bizarre resistance to using taxis, even though it’s generally cheaper than running a car and less exhausting than public transport.

Also when your DF is out of hospital, he will likely be eligible for attendance allowance, so helping him with an application with that could allow them to buy in more help.

I do agree with the poster saying to make sure she is realistic when they ask her how much she can do. Your DF will be chomping at the bit to get home, and may pressurise her to say she can do more than she is capable of in the long term.

I would phone her more often - just short check-ins - assuming that it’s something you’re happy to continue longer term.