DM trying to manipulate me into doing more

[CoastalGrey]

My DM lives 2 hours away, is in reasonable health but doesn’t drive. Her partner has quite a few health issues but can still drive although likely not for much longer. I accept reluctantly that once neither can drive we will have to visit more - there is nobody who can/will bring them to see us.

Until that time we visit a couple of times a year and meet up regularly in between for coffee or lunch. However my DM clearly wants us to visit more and has started to be quite manipulative to get her own way - she has form for this!

The latest thing is that she kindly gave me some money - not a huge amount but still generous of her. I don’t like accepting but she pays it into my account and would be very put out if I refused it. So I thank her and we have a nice chat and everything seems fine then a few days later she decides we need to visit because she wants me to see something in her garden.

I could understand it if she said ‘please can you come to help us with x’ or ‘SD is finding the driving too much’ or something but just to look at the garden?! It’s not just an excuse either, it’s her wanting to be centre of attention and have us do what she wants.

It irritates me so much especially the passive aggressive way she frames it. Like many people I still work 5 days a week in a stressful job, often involving travel, then have to fit in running a home, supporting adult children and having a life around that. While being mid-menopause and feeling like shit half the time. She gave up work years ago so has no idea how full-on it can be.

I know I could say no but she won’t take it well and I just end up feeling awful. I’m already resentful that the responsibility of care for both of them is going to fall on me as they’ve fallen out with most of my step-siblings and my sibling wont do it, but I don’t want to be pushed into it sooner than I have to. And if I say no to this trip she’ll have an alternative lined up so I may as well just get it done but it’s a slippery slope.

I know this will come across as a lonely old woman just wanting to see her family but it’s much more complicated than that, apart from anything else she has always leaned on me too much and it’s taken me until mid 50s to see how unhealthy it is. I accept I’ll have to step up when she genuinely needs it but I see that as doing practical things, I’m not prepared to be her emotional support any more.

Do you think she is going to move closer to you? How would you feel about that?

Just try and separate the money from her take the money smile accept that it’s her way of expressing love however weird that might be
And then scheduling visits you say a few times a year at the moment, can you up it to 4 times a year?
Get those in the diary and she can have everything ready in the garden to show you in the allocated time

It’s only going to get worse, not better. So you might as well draw your boundaries really firmly now rather than spend ten years dealing with this, burn out completely, and then draw the boundaries.

So just kind, firm, no negotiation or discussion. “I can’t do that, can you contact X charity or Y services, or hire somebody local to help with that?”. You can support her with finding local services and help, but it’s not realistic or reasonable for you to be responsible for helping with practical things.

When she moved to her current house I suggested that they moved closer - I am tied here because of work and my adult kids. For whatever reason they chose not to but it would have made things easier in practical terms if they were say an hour away rather than 2. I live in commuterville so I dont think they'd afford to be nearer than that.

Say thanks for any money she gives you but don't let it affect what you do for her. She can't use money to manipulate if you do that and things will be more straightforward.

Ok so I have a decade of experience with this sort of thing. I’m often scratch my head when people suggest you move the person nearer to you. I can’t say this loud enough - do not encourage your DM to move closer. If she has no boundaries now, she will completely dominate your life if she moves closer. Take it from someone who knows.

Along with a DM who moved to being within walking distance, who manipulated me more and more during her later years, I had a MIL who was just over an hour away. At least with MIL, who also expected us to do all her care, we could maintain some boundaries due to distance.

The distance here is actually your friend - although you might not think that. Believe me - it is.

My experience with a decade of being sole go to person for two elderly and demanding women is that they will only get more manipulative, more unreasonable, and more selfish. They will not care one jot for your own needs, even if you are breaking.

You need to drop the rope. Don’t respond to requests or calls or messages unless you want to. Put in boundaries and stick iron clad to them because you are in for a rocky ride.

I'm sorry you've been in that position @goodej862, it sounds very difficult. Can I ask, how did you deal with the inevitable guilt? Even though mine hasn't always been the best DM she means well I think, just lacks any kind of boundaries, tact, self-awareness or empathy 😩

Hi @CoastalGreyI will be very honest. I didn’t and still don’t deal with the guilt well. But many years ago, on this forum, a wise person told me, you can choose resentment or guilt when it comes to caring for elderly parents. And you should always choose guilt out of the two - because resentment will kill you more. This is so true. Take this on board now.

For many years, I tried to jump whenever my DM asked me to. I thought if I ‘just do this next thing’ or ‘get this one thing out the way’ her demands will lessen. The truth is - it’s never just one thing. It took me far too many years to accept that her demands, expectations and manipulation would only ever increase. I find it very hard to say no to her. She’s very good at passive aggressively making me feel guilt so that I do her bidding. In the end, very long story short, the situation gave me a full blown physical and mental breakdown. DM is now in a care home - she can no longer exert the same level of pressure. But I’ve just stopped giving a sht, for want of better words. She never lifted a finger for her own parents so she has no idea the stress. You’ll realise over the years that you will never do enough for them in their eyes, and everyone else’s eyes half the time, and one day you’ll have taken so much crp from all sides, that’s you’ll just give up feeling so guilty all the time. You have as much right to a decent life as the parent does.

It’s really about acceptance. You will continue to feel guilt along the way, it’s a bad feeling, but it does not make you a bad person. And over the years you’ll get so exhausted that you’ll stop giving a cr*p.

I'm sorry that sounds really tough. My DM did a lot for her own mother but she hasn't worked since she was my age so it was a very different situation. She has had quite a difficult life but much of it of her own making and I just find the victim-playing exhausting. I'd prefer she just came out and said 'I need x, y or z' than all the drama but she's too old to change and very few people would understand how I feel because they dont seem to see her the way I do.

You will find the outsider perspective and judgment one of the hardest parts of it. This is when family relations break down. My DM will narrate things to their advantage to others, play people off each other, and silo individuals to control the narrative so it’s in their favour. My DM was expert at actively telling family members that ‘she’d never want to burden me’ whilst privately happily burdening me. So no one ever believed I was propping her up for years and I always came out looking like the bad guy, and she came out smelling of roses.

My DM is known socially as being warm, easy going, lovely. And she’s all of those things. But she’s other things too that are reserved for me - unbending, little empathy, a whole history of using manipulative tactics to get her way, strategically ensures she never has to put herself out for others, extremely skilled at lying, takes the easiest route to everything to put the least pressure on herself and the most pressure on others. She’s always had these traits - but the intensify when they become old and need more help.

You just need to accept you’ll feel guilty BUT it’s just a feeling. It does not mean you are doing anything to be guilty for. You can only do what you can do.

Thank you, that’s really good and useful advice x

I absolutely agree with the other posters here about putting your boundaries in place now and sticking to them. I also wouldn’t say ttoo much to your DM about being there is there’s a real issue because guess what? A real issue will suddenly appear.

A couple of years ago my DM asked me to visit after I had explained (twice) that I couldn’t as I had booked an activity with my children. She tried again, ringing me at 7am to say she’d like me to come that day as she had something she wanted to give me. I explained again that I couldn’t come as I had made plans with my DC but that if it was urgent, I would visit the next day. At 4pm she rang again to say that she was really unwell so could I come now? Of course I went, ruining the day for my kids and spent 10 hours in A&E with my Mum to find out she was dehydrated as she hadn’t drunk anything for two days. (For the record, she doesn’t have dementia).

I still hold resentment over that manipulation. Sometimes I do feel guilty that I can’t meet all her needs but then I think of that incident and it reminds me why boundaries matter.

Dont go to look at your Mum’s garden. She needs to understand that you’re not at her beck and call. Your happiness matters too.

Apologies for typos.

The advice about choosing guilt over resentment is very good. Also try to remember that, however much other people may encourage you to thing you do, you don't actually have any obligation to do anything. If you choose that you will help, it's perfectly acceptable to do that in a way that works for you and allows you to also have a life of your own.

You mention in your OP that you anticipate doing practical things to help her. My advice would be to try to encourage her to outsource as many of the practical things she needs help with as possible, and as soon as possible. If finance is an issue, encourage her/her DP to claim attendance allowance if applicable, to help with the cost. I know I'm not alone in having a parent who takes the view that there's no point paying someone to do a task that her daughter/son could do. Also encourage them to make small changes to allow them to keep doing tasks independently (eg online shopping instead of driving to the supermarket/using taxis to go to medical appointments etc).

As @goodej862 said, dealing with other people's views on what you are doing is very difficult. I've found that lots of family members/family friends are quick to make their views known about what 'someone' should be doing for mum, but all have reasons why that 'someone' can't be them. You mention siblings/step-siblings, if they expect you to be the one that helps make it clear that they don't get a say in what you help with or how. I find it helpful to ask myself whether the people who have strong views on what should be done for mum have ever contacted me about anything else, or would bother to contact me ever again after mum has passed. The answer is usually no.

This is all spot on. Especially the “someone” should be doing something but typically not the person saying it.

It sounds a bit counterintuitive but as someone else said distance is definitely your friend. It would be too easy for her to up the ante if she lived round the corner. Sending sympathy as my mother is similar

Why can't they use public transport?
Find a cheap Airbnb near you if you don't want them in your actual house!
If you really don't want her money use that to cover her visits.

Public transport wouldn't work - they live quite rurally which is why the journey is so long and why I left the area for work.

My parents (in their 80s) no longer drive. They do use public transport, but also they have the number of a local taxi company and they use them a lot. The thing is that running a car is so expensive (maintenance, insurance, petrol, eventually a new car) that once you stop using one you can justify a LOT of taxi journeys, financially speaking. They just have to get over the initial hurdle that a taxi feels like a luxury.

Of course it's true that you'll have to visit them now (rather than them come to you or meet in the middle), but you should get them into the habit of using taxis for their appointments, social life etc as soon as they give up the car.

Yes, resentment or guilt. I chose guilt and 18 months on with DM now at EOL I have made peace with it all. I visit at the same cadence. There have been too many 'this is it' moments. I no longer drop everything to go to her bedside.

I agree about not mentioning to anyone that you would be there if there was a real issue, because she/they will claim there is one. My mum's 'falls' (which amazingly never resulted in so much as a bruise or scratch), 'dizzy spells' and other supposed illnesses became increasingly frequent when I tried to put up boundaries but agreed that I would be there if there was an emergency. I also spent many hours in A&E with her (on the advice of 111) and she had multiple scans/tests etc but found no cause or actual injury and she was perfectly fine again once I agreed to stay with her for a few days.

I have realised that she is probably just lonely, which I really do sympathise with but she refuses to take any steps to help herself with that. I have suggested local social clubs for retired people, moving closer to me (which I am thankful now she did not want to do) and looking at sheltered accommodation with communal areas if she wants some company. She completely refuses to consider any of these things and since she has outlived all her old friends this means her social circle is limited to a very small number of family members who are all either of a similar age themselves or working/looking after children etc.
It sounds like your mum could be similar OP, so my advice would be to set your boundaries now (whilst she her partner is around and she is in reasonable health herself) and encourage her to make changes if needed to facilitate being more independent (eg moving somewhere with better transport links etc).
If I could go back to when my mum first stared to become less independent, my response to complaints about 'needing' me to take her to places/me having to visit her etc due to her living locally would be 'That's a shame, it sounds like you need to move to somewhere more accessible then mum'.

Boundaries op. I visited today she 80s. I find she starts scheming/plotting when she bored... any garden stuff we outsource as big trees etc. Manipulation is horrible. I dont enjoy my visits if Im honest. I suggested she join things otherwise week long. She has an answer to everything)

Some things can be paid for. Others can’t. Emphasise that when they ask you to do things. ‘We’re here to help with things other people can’t do for you, mum’.

Introduce any helpful changes earlier than you think. DM can’t use the simpler phone we got because it doesn’t look like her usual phone.

Get LPA as soon as you can so you can help at a distance- again, things that other people can’t help with.