Struggling with difficult feelings about my father now he has dementia

[WrightFlowery]

My Dad is in his 80s with dementia, living in a care home. I don’t know why but recently when I’ve been thinking of him I can’t really think of many times when he’s been particularly nice. He’s never been particularly horrible but I can’t recall any warmth from him growing up. If anything, it was a case of doing what you’re told! I can remember him hitting me once, but certainly not on a regular basis.

I can’t unferdtsnd why I’m having these thoughts and am having a bit of trouble navigating them. Has anyone else gone through this with a parent growing up?

Maybe now the balance has shifted and he’s coming to the end chapter of his life you are naturally looking back over your time together and appraising the past.

Yes but with my mum when my dad went into a care home. I was expected to be her emotional support as well as doing things for her practically and I was kind of thinking “you haven’t really been a great emotional support for me through the difficult times in my life”

Both my parents are now dead and some difficult stuff did come up mentally while they were dying. Obviously there were lots of good memories and they were good parents overall and did give me some wonderful opportunities. But there were also times where my mum was downright cruel and my dad let her be. I still feel very mixed up and like I’m in the wrong for remembering those times. I feel guilty for even typing it on here.

I have also noticed a tendency in myself to withdraw when I know people are going to die (or even move away actually) so that it hurts less when I lose them. I first noticed it in my 20’s and have tried really hard not to do that since but it’s like I build little walls to protect myself. Could you be doing that?

A friend's dad died the same time as mine. Both dad's were probably the same level of 1970s/80s harsh. The odd slap, a lot of while your under my roof.
She's been all over the place, for me it's been pretty plain sailing emotionally. He was old, ill, then died.
My friend has lots of warm stories, lots of positive interactions with her kids, I just don't have those. Everything, even holidays or celebrations had egg shells to be negotiated.
So we've had very different experiences despite very similar set ups.
One thing that helped was an d school friend just blurting out 'he was always miserable when I saw him' that really helped balance my brother elevating him to saint hood and my mum's recasting with an extreme rosy filter.

It’s such a hard time when your parents decline and you have effectively lost the relationship in any meaningful sense even though they are still alive. I don’t really know how I felt during the four years of my mum being in an NH. It was an extended but sort of frozen grief. I think my mind did shut down in some areas to make it possible to keep going to visit her when it was so awful to see her in that situation. A sibling of mine seems to have had a serious re-reckoning of their relationship with her and remembering all the areas she didn’t do well in (their relationship with her is different from mine). If you have access to any kind of therapy I don’t think it’s a bad idea to have some now?

I think this is fairly common and similar to how I felt about my mum when she was ill then passed.
A lot of people grew up in the 70’s/80’s with the “do as you’re told” style of parenting. What you know is your normal so you may not have questioned it at the time. I only realised in later life that other people’s parents were present, kind, warm and affectionate. Mine were not, but all of my practical needs were met.
I’d imagine dementia probably complicates those feelings too because there’s no real opportunity to revisit or understand things differently now. Especially as it’s likely shaped how you interact yourself.
Be kind to yourself navigating it all.

@WrightFlowery you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way - but it can feel lonely and there can be a lot of shame and guilt wrapped up in it. I still feel strange after our Dad died and following the funeral where I felt obliged to find ‘good’ memories and comfort people telling me what a lovely man he was. I know I need to find time for therapy.

I think when you're asked/required to do a lot for another person you can't help but question whether you received the same from them. If the answer is no, or even a complicated yes, it stirs up lots of feelings.

Looking back, I didn't feel particularly supported by my Mum growing up but until recently would have said I had a perfectly normal, happy childhood (70s and 80s parenting styles aside). Now that my Mum has worn me down with her needs/expectations it has shone a much harsher light on all that.

Be gentle with yourself, you're not alone.

You are definitely not alone. I had a mixed bag in terms of parenting. My parents were cold and emotionally distant but then for a time absolutely wonderful grandparents to my children until I brought up something from childhood and the relationship fell completely apart. It is probably more typical that not dealing with complex emotions towards parents. I’m sorry you are having a tough time with it but you are not alone and it is a normal phase.

I feel exactly the same. My dad was quite horrible (but relatively normal at the time) when I was growing up-the belt and the slipper-and no love or affection. He stopped when I threatened to call Childline. He’s been totally different with my kids and over the years I’ve not really thought about it.

But now he’s in slow decline with dementia and my mum will need an operation soon meaning that I will have to look after him. I am struggling with it to be honest and know that I probably need therapy to help me through it but it’s so painful to revisit.

So no advice but total solidarity