Funeral planning with parents

[mysparkleismissing]

My parents have decided to go and plan their funerals, with coop. Dad was reluctant but Mum has convinced him and they've asked me to go along to the appointment with them next week where they'll (i assume) plan it all.

Im hoping theyve looked through the literature before hand and had the conversations that need having but still it'll be emotional im sure.

Anyone done this with their relatives or have any advice if appreciate it.

Mine flatly refused to even talk about anything, I'd have welcomed the opportunity to know what they wanted beforehand, presumably they're looking at setting up a funeral plan , which is actually really sensible because it's then already paid for.

When my dm did it, she needed to make decisions on things like the type of casket, the type of funeral, the type of celebrant, whether she wanted flowers, and funeral cars (and how many cars), how many likely guests (and how many orders of service) and whether she wanted to have viewing in the chapel of rest available beforehand. So it’s worth them thinking these things through a bit beforehand.
This was for a pre-payment funeral plan, with the undertakers who we had used for my df. Make sure it is a regulated / protected funeral plan.

It did not cover what readings / music etc would be used - or where the wake would be held - that needs to be done separately.

My parents both had pre-paid funeral plans. It made it a lot easier for my mother and I when mu Dad died and for me when my Mother died.
I knew what they wanted and that the funeral was what they had chosen.

It’s definitely one less thing to worry about when the time comes. One other thing to consider if they want burial (and this may not be the same across all councils) but a family member had a plan that they said covered the burial plot but when the time came it was discovered the cost they had covered in the plan was the local resident cost not the “out of area” resident cost…. Resident is not the person going in the plot, it’s the living relative who will be registered - a child at the other end of the country suddenly had to make up an unexpected shortfall to get their parent in the plot they had wanted!

My parents expressed wishes about burial or cremation, and I knew who their funeral director of choice would be, as they knew them for over 30 years. It was a blessing that I found a list of the hymns and readings that my mother wished for, especially as she was musical.

Whilst it is emotional I hope that their willingness to discuss this so you can fulfil their wishes in what I hope is a long time away, I see as a good thing.

My mum died last year. She was 92. Thankfully she had written down exactly what she wanted ; hymns, readings,poems etc . In her last few days we talked about other arrangements she wanted including what flowers she wanted, who would cater at the reception. We were so thankful to be able to give her the send off exactly as she wanted.

This is such a great kindness your parents are doing you.

There will be questions which will be uncomfortable: what wll you wear, what kind of coffin. cremation or burial, where will the ashes go etc. There will also be whether they want pamphlets and what photos you want in there.

Do take the opportunity to see who should be told and who should be invited. Get all their details on a list. Ask them about wills too. And especially enduring power of attorney.

@tougholdbirdy My Mum died last year and she was 92 as well. Sorry for your loss.

Thank you for al the replies and thoughts.
We already have the poa set up for both of them with my siblings

Thanks for this thread. My wife and I are both 79 and this has reminded us to write our wills and set up POAs
It does not seem urgent as we have no plans to die for another 20 years or more but we will do them soon.

My DF didn't talk things over with us but indicated there was a plan and when the time came we did indeed find a very clear list of music, readings, choice of celebrant, likely venues for both cremation and wake type affair.

He also left instructions for his ashes complete with coordinates and a suggestion about who could take us there.

It made life very very easy compared to the other three funerals I've been involved in organising where no guidance had been provided. Such a shame, especially my music loving relatives funeral as we ended up cobbling something together that probably wasn't remotely right.

I keep meaning to write my wishes down. Only thought so far is small service, big celebration of life afterwards in a great venue. I've donated my body so there may not even be a need for a service...

My parent had a Co Op Funeral plan. It made it much easier as I knew what he wanted.

The other way is that they leave some money say £5k set aside for the funeral and write down their wishes only to be opened when the pass. Make sure that the plans are easily found.

OldJohn - please please get on with a will and such like. Dont leave it otherwise you could leave a real mess behind because you never got round to doing anything about it. Your money is to shared with anyone you choose and if you dont do a will it will follow UK Law which you might not want to happen.

A relative of mine planned the whole thing down to writing her own eulogy; one of DHs relatives had prepared food and frozen it for her wake

I think if your mum wants to do it, it means something to her and you should just go along and be a support. It matters to some people so it's comforting to know that you are carrying out their last wishes when the time comes.

Many people don't care at all, mentioning no FILs (just stick me on the compost heap) in which case you can choose your own funeral.

Personally I find it a bit odd, and I think those endless funeral plan adverts make people feel they need to do it. We have lost 3 of our respective parents and I didn't find the funeral planning remotely stressful and problematic, those ads make out that it is because they want to sell their services.