Care homes make me think people never die

[rockrollerpud]

Recently I was given the news that someone I know died suddenly. Classic late seventies, living life totally normally, seemingly slim, fit and healthy, then gone within 24 hours from heart attack. This was surreal to me. And here is why.

I visit a relative in a care home weekly. And for want of better words, I’ve been visiting so long that I honestly feel like some people can’t die. Or at least, their bodies are just designed to trundle on like a diesel engine car with 200,000 miles on the clock.

Most of them are 80-100 years old. Many sit there all day asleep with their mouths open. Many are overweight, have multiple health conditions, yet they just don’t ever change from that. They go on for years/decades.

I have to say, there are far more women than men in the care home.

Quite regularly, I’ll read on here, that someone struggled at home but then went in a care home and only lasted 1-2 years. Yet I see the majority seem to live forever in the care homes.

Before I knew what I know now about elderly disease and decline, I’d always assumed that by the time I got to a care home, I’d be so spent, I’d only last a few years too. But now it’s freaking me out that I, like many others, could spend 15% of my life in one.

Anyone else a long term visitor to a care home and be shocked at this?

@BerryTwister very well put.

Actually op ...your have voiced something I'd also thought
My mum ( we did not have a normal mother / daughter relationship) is in a nursing home ,and this is the third care home I've had to move her to .
She's now been in care home for 5 years
Which has totally shocked me
I can't believe she's still here
I thought people went in them to die ,but clearly not
Her home is the best in the area , because I moved her from ones I wasn't 100% happy with ..and this current one is superb,and she is so well looked after ,by amazing staff ,that must be why she's still here

We need a laughing emoji.

🤣😂😄😆

How long someone lives is one of the mysteries of life. Not sure can you draw a long thread with comments on it but yes, I too cannot imagine ever going to a care home. I will be more than happy, being in my own bed, left in peace....why these old people need to be in a care home if they manage getting up, dressing and participating in crafts? Just bloody stay home and enjoy life...if you are paralysed or in dementia, this is something entirely different

Yes, IMO actively trying to prolong the life of anyone already very elderly, with any condition such as dementia, or who otherwise has a very poor quality of life, is tantamount to abuse or even cruelty.

@Dontcallmescarface and @OldJohn I think you're both rather naive. People often have a change of heart and cling on until literally "grim death". If you've got a diagnosis of Alzheimer's how will you be of sound mind and able to make a choice? Have you cared for an elderly relative for a sustained period?

Do you think children should have the decision, if they dont have power of attorney, to decide when their parent should no longer be treated?

They never die, OP.

I would rather live at home, dementia, naked out in the street at 2am, leaving the gas on and falling constantly then go in to a care home. Might make a living will at some point. They’re necessary for some people but others treat them like it’s a next step to getting old

however, remember the many other threads about, between few :

-a woman telling a story how her 88 year old father has left with 3 teeth and the care home was not brushing them enough, according to her
-a woman whose father had unsuccessful hip replacement and was out of mental capacity but she insisted that he needed a second such operation because according to her he might recover this time and at least walk with a walking frame, despite the social workers opposing this decision

this thread and the ones I mentioned show that you can never please the general public.

My parents worst nightmare was ending up
in a care home. Almost entirely because the thought of paying for their care was anathema to them.

They were extremely lucky in that they both enjoyed great health until they were in their 90s and somehow both managed to die in their sleep. I realise how unusual this is. We’re extremely thankful.

Yes, I do need to double check if they have one

@TapestryNeedle people don’t end up in care homes if they’re able to wash, dress and feed themselves safely. Unless they’re lonely and they want to live in a care home.

In general, care home residents were not able to look after themselves safely, hence the move.

I’m a social worker. people who are self funding are putting themselves in care homes left right and centre. Family pressure, loneliness, health professionals telling them they need it. Then 2/3 years later they come to social care, their house has sold, they’ve used the money and they’re barely eligible. But what do you do? Put them on the housing register? Sometimes. But by then they’ve become dependent on the care and most of them end up staying there permanently at the cost of social care

It used to be quite a thing for women who were widowed to move into a care home because they 'couldn't manage alone', in other words they'd had a man telling them what to do all their lives. What would happen would be they'd then live for another 30 years because they were perfectly healthy. I think you get this less now, but yes: we as a species have managed to prolong life but without maintaining the quality of that life for the final couple of decades.

I cared for my parents and then my late husband. No children of my own and no siblings, so no one to advocate for me.

I'm trying to build up muscle etc to stay independent for as long as possible. The doctor who saw me about my genetic knee problem 2 yrs ago told me he wouldn't even consider replacing my knees for at least another 10 years (at which point I'll be over 74).

I was given a list of things that I've to avoid: running, swimming breast stroke, walking up and down slopes [in Scotland?], cycling...

I've taken the view that I'd better use the years that I have now to live and to build up muscle, even if it means breaking his rules. What's the point in living a sedentary life style now, getting fatter and weaker and then get replacement knees when it's too late?

I might as well do what I can now, before I land in a home. (Mum lived to 90; Dad to 86 in spite of the family heart trouble. I now realise that I probably inherited the knee trouble from him.)

just read the OP of the OP!

I stand corrected. Most of my patients only go into care homes when they’ve got no choice, as they’re not safe at home.

That was my thought, but I don't want to be responsible for blowing up the neighbours if I leave the gas on.

My FIL has dementia and is doubly incontinent. Knows no one and spends 90% of his time asleep. He has a DNAR but when he had a heart arrhythmia they resuscitated home and had him whipped off to hospital before telling the family. The doctors insisted he had a pacemaker fitted against our wishes. They wore BIL down saying they would go to court if he didn’t agree so he gave consent without DH’s knowledge and now a year later he is still going. Just slowly withering away with no quality of life and he would hate it if he knew. He is hanging to see DM but she died 18 months ago and he doesn’t remember and we can’t tell him again because of the distress is causes. The council
have charge on his house at a rate of 4% interest until it sells, which is not happening anytime soon., however much we lower the price.

There's a really interesting book by a gerontologist called 33 Meditations on Death, which talks about death, aging, and how the last 6 months of an elderly person's life can often involve more medicine and interventions than the entire lifetime that proceeded it.

In one of the chapters, he talks about what a "good death" might look like, and mentions indigenous Canadians up in the Arctic circle, and how some of them leave the house at 75 to go ice fishing, and have a heart attack on the way and die quickly and peacefully in the snow. I would much prefer that to the 4 year saga that was my grandmother with vascular dementia, who ended up being revived despite a DNR, and spent the last portion of her life confused and in pain.

For me it is simple: if I am mobile and I pray to God for it, then I am home. If they find me paralysed for whatever reason or setting the house on fire due to dementia, of course, I won't be able to do a thing ...so who cares what happens in the end , as long as your soul is right with God and this is your problem n1 when you eventually face eternity...

It’s a disgrace. No treatment is no treatment.

This is the nastiest post I read on here and I am a very long-time lurker.

The trouble with that is that, if you leave the gas on and blow up your house, you could blow up the neighbours' house as well. If you are falling constantly, you will be costing the NHS a fortune. If you have dementia you will be unable to shop, let alone cook food, and since no-one is going to be prepared to leave you to starve or kill yourself by neglect, the decision will ultimately be taken out of your hands on the basis of your lack of capacity - advance directive or not. So you may as well prepare yourself fully on that basis.