Care homes make me think people never die

[rockrollerpud]

Recently I was given the news that someone I know died suddenly. Classic late seventies, living life totally normally, seemingly slim, fit and healthy, then gone within 24 hours from heart attack. This was surreal to me. And here is why.

I visit a relative in a care home weekly. And for want of better words, I’ve been visiting so long that I honestly feel like some people can’t die. Or at least, their bodies are just designed to trundle on like a diesel engine car with 200,000 miles on the clock.

Most of them are 80-100 years old. Many sit there all day asleep with their mouths open. Many are overweight, have multiple health conditions, yet they just don’t ever change from that. They go on for years/decades.

I have to say, there are far more women than men in the care home.

Quite regularly, I’ll read on here, that someone struggled at home but then went in a care home and only lasted 1-2 years. Yet I see the majority seem to live forever in the care homes.

Before I knew what I know now about elderly disease and decline, I’d always assumed that by the time I got to a care home, I’d be so spent, I’d only last a few years too. But now it’s freaking me out that I, like many others, could spend 15% of my life in one.

Anyone else a long term visitor to a care home and be shocked at this?

That's very good to hear 👍

In the last four years, we have lost both my DM and my DMiL. Their experiences were extremely different. My DM died suddenly and unexpectedly a couple of days after a minor fall, in her sleep in her own bed, aged 89. We were starting to think about her 90th birthday celebration.

DMiL was a few years older, but was already in poor health at 88. Long story, when DSiL needed an operation that would immobilise her temporarily, DMiL went willingly into respite care.

Then CoVID which coincided with the dementia deteriorating. By the time restrictions were lifted, it was clear that her going home wasn't a safe or practical option. Eventually, early one morning, she fell out of bed and fractured her femur. Nealy 27 hours later she was admitted to the geriatric acute trauma ward, where the medical staff tried to patch her up but she had a series of UTIs and she was in a delirium of constant fear and pain. Six weeks later, they admitted defeat and sent her back to the CH, where she died a few hours later.

There's no blame to be allocated here, but DMiL was a lifelong adherent to the concept of assisted dying and she would have wanted to go to Dignitas: I know this, because she asked me to accompany her.

By the time she would have sought release, of course, her capacity to consent had gone.

I have been in too many emergency rooms with my DM over the last few years yes. Absolutely awful experiences. And yes - last time she was in it was wall to ceiling rammed with very old people looking distressed with dementia. It’s heartbreaking. And I don’t know what the answer is.

We live in a crazy world. People get called Nazis for not being Nazis and don't get called Nazis for being Nazis.

I mean vets don’t normally let animals go on suffering. We had a dog that did not have a good prognosis. The vets told us the options for treatment but in terms of quality of life, the kindest thing seemed to be for him to be put to sleep pain-free, to let him go peacefully surrounded those of us who loved him. We were still sad.

Personally when my time comes I would prefer that. Not to be like my great-uncle who in the end didn’t know if it was night or day or remember if he’d eaten. Who was a dignified man but in the end couldn’t wash himself. It was no life at all.

I don't think that's irrational

Yes they do die but they are dying after 5+ years care and have often been pushed on into their 90s with an extremely long number of years in the care home before they do die.

I’m sorry for your loss and welcome to the thread :-)

My mum died in January, she was 95.She was in a care home for about a year and it was just as you described it.People just sitting there asleep with their mouths open, so horrible.She finally became bed bound and basically just wasted away as she couldn’t eat.It was so sad,I kept saying to her to just go but she kept on living.Im still traumatised from the sight of her laying in her bed,just skin and bones.My MIL on the other hand was in hospital for two days and died,I would had preferred that for my mum

I agree, I think many of those who are living in care homes have a such a low quality of life and are so miserable or don't know what is happening. This is why during covid the constant "protect the care homes" whereas the young were locked away at a crucial time for development was in my view wrong. I still believe that the rest of us should have carried on living life

It’s true ,however unpalatable.

But you might get dementia

If you think that they’re being kept alive for some sort of financial reasons, why don’t you report the place to the care commission?

I agree and it was particularly cruel to ban visitors to care homes.

My DF had Lewy Body Dementia- which I wouldn’t wish on anyone - but at least it killed him in ‘only’ 2 years.

once he’d had a stroke and was on end of life care and fluid withdrawn it took nearly 2 weeks to die! It was so awful to watch.

the metabolism slows so much at that age that you can carry on without water far far longer than you or I could.

My mum died at 93, and the last two years were a misery to her, full of rheumatoid arthritis pain, unable to look after herself, but mentally she was sharp, until a stroke ended her life. A relative had a stroke and lasted five years in a care home, unable to walk, in intractable pain most of the time, pressure sores, unable to eat properly, violent , doubly incontinent . Several times we were warned he was near the end . He had chest infections which he survived with antibiotics. What a miserable wretched life he endured for so long. A previously strong, capable , kind man - it was awful to see, and a relief for him and his re when he eventually died.

I decided to look up ONS data and actually it states that care home residents live SHORTER lives than non care home residents. But this includes nursing homes in addition to residential care homes. Maybe the nursing homes pull the average down.

As suspected it’s dementia as the leading cause of death. I was quite surprised to see quite a jump down to the next top cause of death. Dementia is just the most horrendous disease.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/deathsinthecaresectorenglandandwales/2021#leading-cause-of-death

If only the Cocoon film was true!

I am nearly eighty but don’t feel old. The thought I’d automatically be put on a geriatric ward if I were very ill, fills me with horror!

Nearly everyone vows they won’t go into a care home. Trouble is things can happen fast, a massive stroke , dementia taking over etc. Unless they can afford carers coming in several times a day, can people cope with someone physically and possibly mentally disabled , double incontinence? Decisions have to be made quickly. An acquaintance was just about coping with his wife who had dementia, but one day she was plastered with faeces , and he knew he had to face what he had been dreading for some time.

Years ago an old couple l know and kept themselves to themselves, started behaving strangely in the street. One day I had to take them some wrongly delivered mail, and got a shock. Their previously pristine home was wrecked by their dogs which they could no longer control, Their clothes were dirty , and neither seemed to know what was going on. I phoned their relatives who obviously had not been keeping in touch. They both had dementia- tragic.

Its awful to be faced with that reality and on top of that you'd have stupid nurses and healthcare staff calling you sweetheart and generally infantilizing you.

The so-called Care Quality Commission isn't fit for purpose, hasn't been for a decade - that was the words of current Health Secretary Wes Streeting and the reason its last leader stood down. In my view it is corrupt.

Its role under the Tories was to turn a blind eye to bad care homes so the austerity programme would be deemed a success. Leave the care homes alone to coin it in; they are in league often enough with local authorities who are the ones who actually run the country on a day to day basis and have real power.

Yess

After being transferred to the Vic in Fife, following his open heart surgery, my late husband had a nurse asking "Who tucks you in at night?"