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Elderly parents

Your guidance please keeping mum and dad together

13 replies

Diddlydays · 26/04/2026 18:05

Hi. My mum was quite a bit older when she had me and so my friends are not yet in a position where they are looking after parents. I don't know anything about the options and hoping to hear from experience. Mumsnet was a lifeline when I didn't know anything about being pregnant!

My mum is in her 80s. She's agile and has her wits about her. My dad is younger but unwell. He has Parkinson's, falls regularly and can get confused. My mum can't look after him . We live 100 miles away. If it was the right choice we could move but we'd still be working in the day and couldn't provide full time care through the night. I think my dad would be happier being with my mum. Far far happier as he's very much in love. But he needs so much more care than she does and she really doesn't want to sell the house. What options are there?

OP posts:
Oddlyfull · 26/04/2026 18:12

Extensive at home care.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 26/04/2026 18:28

"He has Parkinson's, falls regularly and can get confused. My mum can't look after him"

What exactly does he need done that she can't do? (I mean this genuinely, as in list what the issues are, not that I think she should be able to do everything for him!)

Do they have savings (such that they would be paying for their own care) or would they be dependent on the council? Your mum will not need to sell the house as long as she is still living there, whatever their savings situation is.

Elizabeta · 26/04/2026 18:46

What does your mum want? I’ve had similar situation in the family, which was made trickier because the wife wanted her DH to go into a home (which might sound bad, but she was knackered and too frail to properly care for him).

For them, the right choice was to be apart. It kept their relationship (as much as possible), rather than turning it into simple care, increasingly resentfully.

I just mention as you mention your dad wanting to stay with your mum, but not the other way around.

Diddlydays · 26/04/2026 20:10

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 26/04/2026 18:28

"He has Parkinson's, falls regularly and can get confused. My mum can't look after him"

What exactly does he need done that she can't do? (I mean this genuinely, as in list what the issues are, not that I think she should be able to do everything for him!)

Do they have savings (such that they would be paying for their own care) or would they be dependent on the council? Your mum will not need to sell the house as long as she is still living there, whatever their savings situation is.

Hi. So the main problems are that when he falls she can't help him up. She doesn't have any physical strength to move him and sometimes she's able to ask for neighbours to help but that's not great as although it's well meaning they are not trained in it. So he needs help getting up and currently help with washing and visits to the loo but this is quite sudden. Financially they don't share much with me but they have a pension and would be above the council threshold I think. In honesty it's very new to me this is a very sudden decline and it's got to a bit of a crisis point

OP posts:
Diddlydays · 26/04/2026 20:14

Elizabeta · 26/04/2026 18:46

What does your mum want? I’ve had similar situation in the family, which was made trickier because the wife wanted her DH to go into a home (which might sound bad, but she was knackered and too frail to properly care for him).

For them, the right choice was to be apart. It kept their relationship (as much as possible), rather than turning it into simple care, increasingly resentfully.

I just mention as you mention your dad wanting to stay with your mum, but not the other way around.

She is sad and doesn't know. She couldn't really contemplate him being in a home but she does need to have the ability to be able to retain a bit of herself. Attend book clubs , see friends etc. she's a bit of a Mary berry (without the cooking skills) and is doing well for her age

OP posts:
Diddlydays · 26/04/2026 20:15

My dad would be heartbroken without my mum around though. If there was ever a picture of a doting husband he would be it.

OP posts:
rockstarshoes · 26/04/2026 20:40

You need to get some sort of formal care assessment done! Someone will then assess what sort of care they need.
Depending on their financial situation they may have to pay for some care or some may be provided by Council.
Citizen’s advice may be able to help or is there anyway you can speak to their GP?
https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/getting-a-social-care-assessment

Getting a social care needs assessment | Disability charity Scope UK

A social care needs assessment will look at support from a carer, direct payments, a care home or equipment. It is free and takes about an hour.

https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/getting-a-social-care-assessment

ProfessorBinturong · 27/04/2026 00:16

The options are:

1 Both stay at home, with visiting or resident carers.

2 Your dad goes into a care or nursing home. Your mum stays where she is.

3 They go into a home together.

1 could be relatively cheap or extremely expensive, depending on level of care needed. If they're not self funding the cheaper end of these, with 2 - 4 care visits a day, is what the LA usually prefers to try first. But if care needs are too high they can go straight for residential.

2 will cost more than brief care visits but probably less than live-in carers, and be cheaper than 3. If the care place is near his home your mum can visit daily if she wants, and in a good home there won't really be limits on how much of the day she spends there (although she'll need to either bring in her own food or pay to eat there).

3 can be them being in the same room and both paying for full care even though your mum doesn't need it yet, or some places have a staged series of care levels so your dad could be in the full care section and your mum in an independent or supported living flat on the same site.

I agree with PP that the first step is a social services care assessment. This will help decide how much care is needed and narrow down the options, and confirm whether they're self funding or not.

With Parkinson's and regular falls it's likely that visiting carers won't be enough - he can't be left lying on the floor until the next scheduled visit. So you're likely to be headed for one of the residential options - soon, if not immediately. It's therefore worth starting to look at what's available

countrygirl99 · 27/04/2026 06:07

Definitely get a proper assessment of care needs done. Also what about day centres. MIL used to go to one a couple of days a week.

butterfly990 · 27/04/2026 06:29

Have a look at the Safeguarding Futures Health and Social Care Support Facebook group.

It is run by a couple who offer a service but also offers advise and support by knowledgeable folk.

www.facebook.com/share/g/1DDLNWgPxw/

thedevilinablackdress · 27/04/2026 08:16

Age UK helpline and website for advice
Care needs assessment from local authority.

Diddlydays · 28/04/2026 21:54

Thank you. This is a bit of a heartbreaking reality but I appreciate all your advice

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 28/04/2026 22:02

I’m also questioning if anything can be done about the frequency of the falls. Does your dad have a community Parkinson’s nurse? Could he or your mum talk to them about a medication review, a specialist occupational therapy assessment, and/or a referral to the falls clinic? Maybe they’ve done all this recently - some falls just happen - but given that PD is progressive it’s a good idea to get a review.

My mother in law has had PD for 15 years and swears by the Movers and Shakers podcast, regular Pilates at home to maximise her strength, and her community PD nurse. We got an OT to review her at home and it was really helpful.

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