How do I go home after this?

[roastednuts123]

Step DF passed away a few days ago. He’d been in hospital a week and prior to that been a very healthy 89 year old ? (I mean ridiculously so - walked 6 miles a day every day to give one example). Became dizzy a couple of weeks ago and had a couple of falls, hit head and died in hospital a week later. Mum has cognitive decline and is forgetful and generally frail and doesn’t eat properly.

I stayed with my mum when he first got admitted to hospital, I then came home for a couple of nights while my brother stayed with her, then came back last week when dad deteriorated more as we suspected final days.
Hes now passed and I’ve been here nearly a week. I live 3 hours north and brother 4 hours south of them so not easy.

Despite a miserable childhood and mum always being a very negative and cold person, I want to support her as best I can but I also need to get on with my own life eventually. There’s no question she needs me to help. She isn’t insisting I stay in fact the opposite - she knows we all need to live our own lives. But how can I leave her in a few days and expect her to get on ok when she can’t cope?! Do I have to just do it and pick up the pieces when something happens? At which point maybe she’ll accept carers coming in? (They have savings so it’ll be private in any case).

any advice much appreciated!

If she really is too frail to be left and it is obvious she won’t be safe even briefly, then in a way that’s simpler - call
Adult Social Care and request an urgent assessment and perhaps crisis care following the sudden death of her partner. In my area crisis care can be arranged within 24 hours.

If it’s more ambiguous than that, you could still ask for the assessment but it is quite likely they will say she can manage, which she will until something goes wrong. But they might put some things in place.

I would probably prioritise a key safe so that people can get in if you can’t raise her. My local area has an Assistive Tech team which will do a teams call to look at options, but I think the assessment is the first step.

Insist on daily companion care visits can she pay fir them? Ageuk does helper visits paid for they will make tea chat shop as needed.
Then you know someone us keeping an eye.
Alarms good but you can end up with false alarm calls at 3 am ....

Definitely key safe now.

Social work for an assessment of needs.
A community falls alarm (there will be a charge for this service but it’s great and some can have a check- in option to remind them to wear the pendant and checks they’re okay each morning)
Camera set up in the hallway with you and your brother able to check she is up in the morning etc.
A simple to use camera call device like an echo show or whatever the most up to date one is that you can voice activate
Check out local care private services as if she doesn’t need personal care and just prompting she might manage with a just am
visit where she is prompted to get up and dressed and someone sets up breakfast and puts a lunch and meal somewhere clearly marked for “today” and this might set her up for the day. You guys could check in of an evening and see how things are going.

Also, reach for the emotional blackmail button. ‘I can’t leave unless you agree to this Mum! I’m so worried about you [tears]’. Sometimes dysfunction is the only way to manage dysfunction. And it’s not like it’s untrue.

I think worst thing is your mum will get lonely

This was my PIL. MIL was in care within six weeks and SIL lived next door!! Unsustainable.
Dont involve neighbours, its not fair. It’s social services you need. If she refuses to pay then you wait for the inevitable crisis.

Adult social care will usually be able to help quite quickly with low level services like telecare. Telecare would provide things like a falls alarm, keysafe, heat detectors (to e.g monitor if the hob has been left on, carbon monoxide detectors etc.

We are also finding families are increasingly using things like alexas/ smart lights and ring doorbells - alexa is great for things like setting medication prompts or being able to operate switching lights on and off from a distance. You can save numbers into the contacts of Alexa so the person can ask it to 'ring daughters name' and it will.

If frailty is a concern then you could ask for something like 'reablement' from the local authority which is usually a very short term service (4 weeks or less) which is provided for free to make sure all equipment that might be useful is in place and to maximise/assess her independence before making a reccomendation about long term care needs. The GP surgery should also be able to refer to the NHS frailty services who will look at equipment without the 'reablement' element attached.

See if there is a meals on wheels service in the area, things like Wiltshire farm foods are great if the issue is shopping/meal preparation but less useful if the person wouldn't remember to cook them. Meals on wheels at least someone sets eyes on her once a day during the week and she gets a hot lunch.

Perhaps suggest something like a pop in vist a few times a week for someone to be there when she has a shower 'just in case' or a cleaner.

Age UK usually are very knowledgeable on local social groups and the demographics that access them.

If she hasn't already see if she will agree to a referral to the memory team. GPs will usually make the referrals but in some areas you can also self refer. They will do as a mininum some basic memory tests to get a baseline idea of any cognitive decline and will then also offer further testing/scans if required. If she's reluctant it can be sold as her opportunity to either 'prove' there isn't an issue or a chance to see if any medication may improve things or even slow down what is happening.

If you have already worked out she is going to be self funding anyway then although you can request a Care Act Assessment it will potentially be a long wait for something you can put in place yourself anyway and the same information and advice I and other posters have provided.

Finally - if you want to, contact your local authority (not mum's) and request a Carers assessment for yourself. Even if she rejects everything above a carers assessment can look at your needs as someone who has a caring responsibility for someone else and identify support and contingency for you - that might be emotional support from other people in a similar position or it potentially could be a small budget you can access to e.g pay someone to clean your house if you are having to spend your weekends cleaning mum's because she won't let anyone else do it.

Good luck!

DVLA
Neighbour contact
Falls alarm around neck
Key safe outside house
GP discussion - ensure POA covers medical matters, get dementia testing
Food order each week
Application for allowances
Social care application
Join up to dementia gatherings
Review of house safety (eg new banisters)
Install loo/shower downstairs?
Apppint lawyers for your SF estate
Start to clear out house (which has to happen anyway and will give you something to do while there)

Sounds awful as she would be leaving her home but asking her to move in with you/or a house very close. Best thing I did was move my grandparent to a house on the street behind mine so I could care for her for three years and then the 4th year I did just end up living there because the care she needed was 24 hours by that point but I didn’t want to let her go into a home but that’s entirely different for each family. Feeling your pain greatly I. It’s hell. But you can do the above or likely she will be going into a home once she’s had a fall or two and that may be best for her. Again it just depends on what you feel is manageable for YOU

I have been there. Parent not quite bad enough for a care home but definitely not great by themselves. You have to do things in stages until that doesn't work any more. So buy lots of microwave meals and stick in the freezer. Sainsburys do some good complete ones. Chicken Roast. That sort of thing. Would she consider somebody to come in the morning just to check she has had a cup of tea and is up and dressed? We found it better to find a private carer and give her a key so she could knock and let herself in. When your mum deteriorates you have to think about the next step - it is never too soon to start researching care homes.

if you get a tech visit form social services my son was given an electronic memory aid eg so he can list what he needs to do ( although getting him to use that is the issue ) For us with disabled adult kids it’s the same process eg put a few laminates around the house eg ( take coat key bag) This might help for a bit. I definitely would have someone come in daily to clean for an hour and keep an eye on her. ( my mum died of vascular dementia so it’s really similar to poor memory disabled kids ie the same drill) Also would she wear a tracker watch and keep it charged? If not she can wear a tracker wristband.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I was in a similar one when my DF died - DM was adamant that she could manage herself and 'wanted to be independent' despite being severely visually impaired and practically immobile - dad had been doing everything for her - cooking, washing, giving her her medication etc. Unfortunately (but in many ways luckily) she fell and broke her hip a couple of weeks after the funeral, and this resulted in a stay in hospital for a hip replacement followed by review by social services and occupational health, while I arranged a personal alarm for her. She a had six week NHS 're-enablement' package when she came out now has (self-funded) carers coming in twice a day to get her up dressed and washed and ensure that she takes the right tablets at the right times and is wearing her alarm. Occupational heath also arranged for items like a commode, frame for the toilet and a chair for her.

If you mum is agreeable you could try contacting adult social services and see if they would come out to assess the house to see what aids would help her - you could perhaps frame it as a service that they offer to all partners of the recently deceased elderly...

That’s a great idea Poohsticks about the framing it as a service. Thanks everyone for the replies. I do need to have a serious conversation with her and the earlier post which suggested me say ‘I want to go home but I can’t because I’m too worried about you so we need to do this..’ is great.
I don’t have first hand knowledge that her driving is bad, my brother mentioned it and tbf I think she’s really careful and maybe I’m panicking about everything at the moment. Yes she’ll be really lonely - but if you’ve chosen a lifestyle of being abroad most of the year, not making friends locally and not living anywhere near your children then what can you expect? Unfortunately much as my heart breaks about the situation I also have to be blunt and not dedicated my next few years to being her only support crutch.

Some brilliant advice here from some v experienced posters.
I would add a keysafe is essential before you leave and give the code to trusted neighbours- gp for her notes/ ambulance etc….
I have watched the fire brigade being called out to access an elderly neighbours bungalow after she had fallen.

Yes amazing advice here thanks so much everyone. I’m still taking it all in after being out all day with her. I’ll be sorting a key safe out in the morning!