How do I go home after this?

[roastednuts123]

Step DF passed away a few days ago. He’d been in hospital a week and prior to that been a very healthy 89 year old ? (I mean ridiculously so - walked 6 miles a day every day to give one example). Became dizzy a couple of weeks ago and had a couple of falls, hit head and died in hospital a week later. Mum has cognitive decline and is forgetful and generally frail and doesn’t eat properly.

I stayed with my mum when he first got admitted to hospital, I then came home for a couple of nights while my brother stayed with her, then came back last week when dad deteriorated more as we suspected final days.
Hes now passed and I’ve been here nearly a week. I live 3 hours north and brother 4 hours south of them so not easy.

Despite a miserable childhood and mum always being a very negative and cold person, I want to support her as best I can but I also need to get on with my own life eventually. There’s no question she needs me to help. She isn’t insisting I stay in fact the opposite - she knows we all need to live our own lives. But how can I leave her in a few days and expect her to get on ok when she can’t cope?! Do I have to just do it and pick up the pieces when something happens? At which point maybe she’ll accept carers coming in? (They have savings so it’ll be private in any case).

any advice much appreciated!

Does she have any good neighbours? If so can you have a chat with them and exchange phone numbers with them so they can get in touch with you if needed. Also speak to the local age concern to see what support there is locally. I think they have lunch clubs and other companion activities

She does have nice neighbours and I think they’d keep an eye on her from a distance if needed. I have all their numbers now so that’s really good. Thanks for replying! I think part of the issue with Age Concern or carers is she refuses to believe she is old and needs help!

Food deliveries in the meantime, can she use a microwave?

have you spoken to your mum about this? is she aware that she cannot look after herself very well?

what specifically does she need help with?

Is her GP aware? Are you listed with her GP so that they can speak with you about her health needs? Has she been assessed for the cognitive decline? Has she had a needs assessment from SS? Who has the PoAs? If she is self funding, it does give you a lot more flexibility.

Have you spoken with her about what she wants to do and what needs to be done (which are not the same thing)? Ideally you need to have the 'if this, then that' conversation and run through all the different scenarios together, but this will depend on the level of her cognitive ability.

Thanks all. I have PoA for her. I spoke to her GP for the first time last week but that was about my step dad before he died. I was thinking of picking up the conversation with them next week. I don’t think mums having any treatment for cognitive decline as she refuses to accept there’s an issue, but spending more than a few hours with her you can see that there is. She can microwave and use oven yes. Maybe I’m over-worrying but I just think she’s so frail she could fall so easily, and she drives but she really shouldn’t imo. I’m trying to speak to her about it all but she’s so dismissive.

obviously this is all made million times harder that we’ve just lost dad who, up until 2 weeks ago, held everything together at home for her.

One thing that might help us an alarm. Our local council will install one that you wear around your neck. Get in touch with GP and arrange of OP assessment. She may qualify for Attendance Allowance as it's not means tested. Even a cleaner coming in for an hour every day would mean someone is keeping an eye on the situation. However if she refuses all help there's not much you can do until she hits a crisis.

If you think she don’t be driving, then that’s the one thing that needs to be addressed as it could have terrible consequences for someone other than herself. How often / fast does she drive? Have you witnessed her having near misses?

What evidence do you have that she actually needs help? It could be that the sudden loss of your step-dad has you worrying the worse will happen.

Sadly this is very common, including the not wanting to be a burden but refusing to consider any accommodations for their needs. It is possible that her loss has exacerbated her symptoms if she seems to have deteriorated significantly. I would contact her doctor, even if she needs to sign something for them to speak to you and she hasn’t, you can flag your concerns. You can raise concerns regarding driving anonymously to the DVLA. You can also raise with social care for an assessment of her needs.

I agree with speaking to neighbours and giving them your number. They can let you know if she isn’t putting bins out or erratic driving.
Sorry - it’s going to be a bumpy period so accept that often things will need to get worse, before your DM will accept measures in place.

Def get a care alarm for her, pendant or watch style button and explain pressing it just alerts people that she needs help. The operator might call you in first instance. Ask about meals on wheels possibly and carers, even if someone to help her get up.

Sorry for your loss. Agree with PP that there will be major adjustments and your DM’s frailties may be more exposed than before.
It’s easy to say and harder to do but don’t be tempted to jump in and ‘fix’ things immediately. In the longer term it will be easier if DM takes on board that she can’t do things.
When my DF was taken in to hospital my DM didn’t cope and was sectioned within four weeks.
i’m no suggesting this will happen but the DParents had been masking their issues and we’d never realised how DM had deteriorated. If you step in and cover entirely for your DFil, her true needs will not be revealed.

If you don’t think she’s safe to drive, use the confidential form for the DVLA on line.
Will she have a camera in the house so that you and DB can see she is OK? My DF found this reassuring.
Would she have a cleaner so that at least someone is popping in once a week?
Internet shopping. Those frozen food deliveries from Wiltshire Farm.

I would write to her GP and tell them your concerns OP. You definitely need to alert the DVLA about the fact that you don't think she should be driving. It's all very well people saying 'Let things fall apart, then she can get help', which may be necessary for her own personal wellbeing, but if she poses a danger, that is something that you, as a person with that knowledge, needs to address. Your posts make it clear that she has her head firmly in the sand, but if she kills someone that will be on your conscience, so please do something about it.

It’s a hard time.

We started to leave a gap between visits. So you’d go home Monday, brother would come Wednesday. He’d go home Friday, you’d arrive Monday.

Gradually the gap increases, the visits get shorter and you see how she does.

I was surprised DM was very quick to be ready for us to go. She wanted to be home and normal, again. Us staying wasn’t ‘normal’ so she was ready for us to leave her alone.

Agree with the button alarm, that would give you peace of mind. And there’s other technology that could help.

DH arranged for a daily carer for his mum. An hour a day to cook her lunch, a chat and wipe kitchen/bathroom. He pays as she wouldn't.

You can claim attendance allowance for yiur mum @roastednuts123.

Her cognitive issues and frailty may be exacerbated by grief and shock.
Falls alarm is a great idea. I'd also look at the Age UK website for information and useful resources.

What are you most concerned will happen? Will she accept anything at all (if pitched as “because you are home alone now it would make me so happy if I knew you had a fall alarm”?).

If she point blank refuses any change then you just grit your teeth and leave and wait and see what happens, but have solutions up your sleeve for when things start going wrong.

If she has cognitive decline then notify the DVLA and take car keys off her or get her properly assessed. there are too many elderley people still driving who should not be.

A falls alarm could help. But some with cognitive decline is likely to put it in a drawer and forget about it. My mother had one provided by the local authority and wouldn't wear it.

I think you do have to go home and see how she gets on. But be aware she will probably say she's fine, when in reality she may not be coping at all.

If you and your brother could take it in turns to go each weekend you would get a good idea how she was coping when you aren't there. And when you can see she needs more help, arrange carers. I did it without even asking my mother, I told her someone was coming in to help her with things she found difficult (carrying shopping, doing heavier housework etc) and she was okay with it. If you try to involve her in the decision she will inevitably say no, because it is the default answer for someone with dementia. She really believes she's fine, but she really isn't.

My mother's carers ensured she ate two meals a day, took her shopping, did the housework, took her to appointments, and generally made sure she was okay. It's called 'companion care' and we used Home Instead.

Worth checking with neighbours if they can recommend any services or cleaners. My friend had found a company that did home help type visits in DPs town with services like checking dates of food as well as general cleaning. Your DM will likely reject it out of hand but in a few weeks time might want to give it a go - this is how I found it with my DPs, I would suggest an obvious solution, they would say no, then they would accept it when it became obvious over time that it was definitely needed.

"There's no question she needs me to help."
Let me rephrase that for you. There's no questions she needs help. It doesn't have to be you. Ask Adult Social Care to do a care needs assessment and get her the help she needs.

Definitely get a Telecare/lifeline type service installed for emergencies and ensure she can use it. Could you help with a regular online shopping delivery. Would your mum eventually entertain moving closer to you or another family member or into sheltered accommodation?

Have you spoken to Age UK? They had an advice line which I found helpful about my parents. It took a long time for my DF to admit his cognitive decline needed further investigation (he now has a diagnosis of vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s), but now he has he and my DM get a lot more support from the professionals. It sounds like she needs an assessment - do you think she would agree to that?