Can you help navigate this end of life up and downness?

[Tolkienista]

I posted on here a few weeks ago concerning my mother on end of life care. I'd roughly say we are into week 8/9 and for the first 6-7 weeks every time I opened the door to her care home room , I didn't think she would last to the end of my visit, so poorly was she.

But here we are on the cusp of May and she's picking up, well in terms of being more alert/awake, trying to communicate more, eating a bit more too. It's so confusing.

I was there when a district nurse examined her on Wednesday and she acknowledged her frailness, loss of weight, incontinence, cognitive decline etc, being bedbound. She felt all around her abdomen and as I thought she's not in any pain or discomfort......is this normal to have a surge? because at the moment just can't fathom it out.

The nurse said, death can come suddenly and out of the blue. Any one who knows about end of life, please share your thoughts.
She is 97 years old.

Their is often a surge before death. Hopefully it's peaceful.

That is really interesting.
She is definitely at peace....... comfortable and pain free, which is a blessing. She is being well looked after too, the carers are so compassionate.

They often pass when asleep or when their alone. Don't be afraid to say bye and that your be OK when they go. Its like they want permission

I think that's how she'd want to go, no fuss no bother just quietly slipping away from the world. My sister said she'd read somewhere that you should let them know that it's ok they can go.
There's nothing left for her to live for. She's had a fantastic happy life full of positivity. Maybe it is time for us to say she can slip away.

I wouldn't necessarily say "bye" to her because it might distress her, but I did have a conversation along the lines of the second part with my mum. However that was because she was panicking and distressed about what would happen to us and I was trying to give her the peace and reassurance she needed. She was very young though so different circumstances.

If your mum is calm I wouldn't necessarily say any of those things as she may already feel confident that you will be okay, so maybe just take some peace from knowing you don't have to try and be there for "the moment" she dies. There's no formula for this, I think you just have to do what feels right at the time for you and your mum.

Thank you for your thoughtful post and good advice
Out of her four children, I'm probably
the closest to her and in all my time with her I've never felt the urge to discuss her end of life. I'll bring up bumping into friends and neighbours of hers and talk about things we did in the past.
I'll talk about her childhood too.
I know I'll miss her enormously when she's gone, but I'm doing my best to make her final days and weeks as comfortable as possible.

I think those sound like really lovely things to talk to your mum about - calming and peaceful. And natural.

Your mum sounds very loved and well looked after. That comes across strongly and I am sure that is a comfort to her. Try to look after yourself too as best you can - this is a tough thing to go through.

Thank you for your lovely post & kind words.
She is indeed well loved and well looked after and I don't mind in the slightest going in to help with feeding her, chatting to her and just being with her at a difficult time.
Once she's gone, won't be able to get these special moments again.