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Elderly parents

How can I persuade my dad to eat ?

13 replies

Frustrated1974 · 24/04/2026 19:09

Complicated situation but my dad was in hospital for 3 months after an operation went wrong. He’s home now with a peg feeding tube and many other problems. When he first got home he started eating solid food for the first time since the operation and was doing really well.
He was rushed back into hospital for a couple of nights and since he came home he is eating less and less. He says that he has no desire to eat and point blank refuses to. He has 4 bottles of fortisip day but has lost 5kg since release from hospital. The dietician has said he can increase the amount of fortisip he has through the peg but he doesn’t want any more.
Whenever I speak to my dad he tells me he doesn’t want to be here anymore and he would rather starve to death than be like he is.
He’s been to the GP and has been referred for mental health support but no idea of timescales. What can I do? He’s reluctant to talk to anyone but his mental health is my main concern at the moment.

OP posts:
TinyMouseTheatre · 24/04/2026 19:19

I’m so sorry, it must be really stressful to hear your DF say things like that. Has he filled in a Respect Form and made what treatment he does, or doesn’t, want clear?

How old is your DF?

Frustrated1974 · 24/04/2026 19:26

He’s 78. I’ve never heard of a Respect Form so will go and google that now.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 24/04/2026 20:00

Gently, because it’s probably not what you want to hear, it’s very common for elderly people heading towards the end of life to want to eat less. It’s a natural progression. He’s elderly, unwell and frail.

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/04/2026 20:05

He should have had one either filled in with the GP or at the Hospital. It travels with him, so if he goes to the Hospital, he takes it with him.

I personally think they’re very useful as it should get your DF to think about what he actually wants and will give you the confidence to carry out his wishes knowing that you are doing exactly what he has asked for.

On a practical level, is his pain managed well?

Has he got a SW?

And has he had his bloods done to check for vitamin and mineral deficiency?

NotTheMrMenAgain · 24/04/2026 20:16

Oh, OP, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this - it’s a REALLY stressful situation for you. My DM died in December after a 5 year battle with secondary cancer and it was….a journey, to say the least. I adored DM, she was my best friend and supporter. So please believe me when I tell you that I’m not saying what’s to follow, lightly, at all.

Gently, and completely understanding that this is not what you asked or what you want to hear - it’s obvious that you love your DF. From this I assume he’s done his best to be be a good Dad. Not perfect - because no human is perfect - but loving and with the best of intentions. And if he’s generally been honest and truthful with you throughout your life, then perhaps you should believe what he’s saying now.

You said he has many medical problems. There’s no way for you to understand how it feels to be him, in his failing body. If he says he’s had enough, the only thing you can do is believe him. Since you love him and can’t make him “better”, I think your job now is to advocate for your DF and make his last part of life as comfortable as possible and make him feel heard and empowered.

It’s awful. And it hurts. But him saying he’s had enough doesn’t reflect on you - it doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It just means he’s tired and his body is wearing out.

Please support whatever it is that he wants to do and validate however he’s feeling. Often not wanting to eat is an early sign of the body/mind/spirit nearing the end and saying “Enough”. You can’t physically force him to eat. Don’t make these days a battle. Tell him that you love him and that it’s okay. You’ll need to be really, really brave. But it’s one of the last loving things we can do.

PruneJuiceAWarriorsDrink · 24/04/2026 20:21

I'm really sorry, that sounds very hard to witness. I think I'd come at this from lots of different angles.

Mental health
*Will the GP prescribe antidepressants?
*The operation went wrong - go back to the consultant via the secretary and ask for a therapeutic debrief with your dad

  • make a complaint via PALS and push for urgent mental health support for the trauma of the operation and the poor / unexpected outcome *consider private mental health support
  • find things in his life that are meaningful to him. Things he can look forward to like family events, days out, holidays, etc. And find things where he can be useful to those the loves - eg providing advice with a problem you have, it doesn't have to be a real problem. He needs to feel needed *charities and support groups for people living with artificial feeding eg PINNT

Physical health
How are his iron levels? If he has low iron, his appetite will be much lower and he will feel at a lower ebb. Ask the GP if any other deficiencies that can be spotted on a simple blood test could affect appetite and mood
Is he in pain? Is that controlled
Is he constipated?

Nutrition
I wouldn't get into a battle of wills around eating.
People can survive a very long time on very little. Obviously it's not great for their health, but you have a long time to help and find help for him.
Can you or others just be there at meal times and eat next to him. High calorie food. Make him a portion as well as your self and just eat and chat. The food is there, but it's not the focus.
People do naturally eat less as they age, which something to keep in mind, but this sounds like it's at least in part an active choice he's making. He does have the right to make it - the respect form is a good idea. It would give him more control. I'm sure he feels he's lost that recently

CoastalCalm · 24/04/2026 20:37

My dad was like this towards the end of his battle with parkinsons and we just switched to high calorie desserts really as he always had a sweet tooth

FiniteSagacity · 25/04/2026 00:55

@NotTheMrMenAgain this is such thoughtfully worded advice.

It is really hard @Frustrated1974 and I hope the respect form helps reach an understanding.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 25/04/2026 08:25

My lovely dad was similar but perfectly happy as long as he wasn't being pressured to eat. I tried everything I could to tempt him but the only thing he really enjoyed were little pots of pudding. When he went into hospital his diagnosis was terminal so all pressure was off and we just gave him little puddings and Coke which he loved - really just to keep his mouth from drying out.

Your Dad is lucky to have such a caring daughter.

Frustrated1974 · 25/04/2026 17:46

I don’t really know what to say except thank you everyone for your kind replies. I have read them all and will be taking your advice onboard.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 25/04/2026 19:37

When my DH was really ill and didn’t want to eat and was loosing too much weight, I started giving him Heinz tom soup in a mug so he didn’t associate it with food, it was a drink, then made lattes / hot chocolate with full fat milk and cream.

Zipidydodah · 25/04/2026 19:43

Jelly drops
And grand bars Here

The grand bars were a literal life saver. DF got a little bit of his appetite back and we then added some soup & bread. He’s much better now

Grandbars | Senior Nutrition Bars | Order Online

We provide senior nutrition cakes across the UK. Our bars have a wide range of natural ingredients to support the diet of elderly people.

https://grandbarsnacks.com/

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