Mums cancer - it’s all about Dad

[Ritaskitchen]

I’m mainly venting. DM has an aggressive mouth and throat cancer. She is largely stoic, self contained, and uncomplaining. She is also quite uncompromising on home routines and standards. She has had a horrible operation and now radiotherapy and is facing many months of treatment, future operations and she will never look/speak the same again. She is mid 70s
Dad has depression- not triggered by Mums operation. He’s always been quite self centered. He is late 70s. This cancer is all about him. He takes his medication and has a selection of activities/social prescribers etc etc. This week he had a panic attack when walking to the hospital for my Mums appointment and today he just makes the whole walk all about him.
I know nothing is going to change but it’s challenging dealing with an elderly, pessimistic, self centered individual who talks about loving his wife but does little if anything to help her. And makes her treatment all about him.
It makes me really cross. I leave Friday. Will go home and recharge until I come back and it all starts again in a few weeks

How do you feel about saying this to him?

It might make him feel better if he actually helps her.

His wife of many years has a terrible illness. He should be leaping up to make her life as easy as possible rather drowning in self-pity.
He is obviously so self absorbed that he wouldn’t see what needs to happen. You shouldn’t have to but can you write him a list of things he should make sure he does to pull his weight.

They are both ill, aren't they? She has cancer, he has longstanding depression.

It's very hard for you but this is where they are.

You will need to actively care for yourself to help you deal with all that's happening, can you increase your self care in the gaps?

It's really hard. He probably needs some counselling to deal with your mum's illness. I found living with my husband's illness very hard. He had a brain tumour and whilst I gave him sympathy and a lot of care sometimes it was all about me being cause I was scared and angry with the situation. I wasn't in control of the situation either which as a medical professional I found incredibly hard. I needed somewhere to vent too.
Maybe your dad is scared too. As you must be. Carers of people with cancer need support too. Is there a Maggie's centre near you you probably all need a bit of help. It's a horrible situation to be in. I found my anxiety levels were through the roof at times and that made it hard to deal with.
I'm so sorry for your mum.

Completely agree with writing a list. Make it really straightforward, a few simple things he can manage a day. It would probably help them both, everything probably feels completely out of control at the moment.

If you have a Maggies centre near you they are absolutely amazing. Even if your mums not keen they support the whole family. Even you don’t have one near they might offer you some support over the phone.

I think you nailed it when you said he has always been self centred and made things about him, whilst your mum is stoic. This has obviously been their dynamic for decades and while it would be fantastic to think that this crisis would change things, in reality it will probably just entrench it. Take a deep breath, put your mum first and him second and just do your best to try to get through this. Sorry to sound unsympathetic, but there are times in life when it is actually NOT about you, your depression, your illness, your feelings etc, and this is one of them. I just dont hold out much hope that your dad will change the pattern of a lifetime and see this. Sending you lots of strength and virtual hugs.

I completely get why you'd be so angry.
Its one thing if an otherwise very loving and supportive husband suddenly starts behaving like a dick when their wife is ill, as you can point to stress, but when thats just his personality, you are also dealing with the disappointment of knowing that any hope you might have of 'he's self centered but adores my mum and would do anything for her because he's a decent person deep down' has been thoroughly squashed. Im really sorry you are dealing with this, and hope your mum's recovery from her op and treatment goes well.
I know some might say that losing your temper at someone who is depressed isnt fair. And I accept for some people, it wouldnt change things, but I know so many people who have actually made changes after getting a good verbal kick up the butt after many years of people being extra nice and skirting around issues because of a MH issue. So I do wonder whether telling him outright he's being selfish might have some effect? Only you will be able to decide.

I’m a cancer nurse and sadly I see this dynamic play out quite often in couples when the person affected by cancer has been the ‘giver’ and do-er in the relationship and the other partner becomes almost bewildered that they will have to de-centre themselves and put their needs aside for their partner for a while.

in my experience it’s hard to break this cycle as it’s usually quite ingrained, especially if they are late 70s but gently centring your DM again in conversations at least lets her know you are aware that the focus should be on her at the moment. Could you find out what it is he is the most upset about? Is it that he has to cook etc now or that the attention is now on your mum?

People are different in their responses to such a difficult thing like this.
It sounds like your mum is very unwell and has been through a lot and your dad has mental health issues and is not able to cope well. Sometimes its simply the dynamics of their relationship,your mum the giver of care,your dad the receiver and when that shifts chaos ensues.
Im so sorry your family are going through this.
I can understand your anger (probably exacerbated by the feeling of anticipatory grief )
Put your mum first ask her what she needs.
Ask your dad to help with whatever your mum needs .
What do they struggle with currently in the stressful situation of your mums treatment? Are there any practical solutions that may help?

I'd have that hard conversation with him when mum isn't there.
Think about what help she needs and write it down.
Tell him he needs to step up and do some things he's never done before in order to make this more bearable for your mum.
Be very specific. For example could he get up first and make her breakfast, make sure she's comfortable, help her with whatever.
He needs to keep his own problems to himself not offload on her, offer a listening ear yourself because it really is hard for him as well.
Practical stuff - could they afford cleaners, help in the garden, taxis?

It became really hard to care for my dad in the end, as my mum couldn’t break the habit of a lifetime. She was obstinate about his treatment, his diet, his food… she didn’t supervise him if there was something more interesting to do. She was totally narcissistic, as she had always been. Fortunately he was taken into a hospice where he had a new lease of life and was almost sent back home again he’d recovered so much. They were able to keep him long enough for the decline to restart though.

Thank you for all the responses. I’ll write tomorrow when I’m traveling back. Some really helpful suggestion as well. 🙂