Experiences of elderly parents going into respite care for the first time

[myislandhome]

So, MIL is going this afternoon for an initial respite for 2 weeks; although SIL is sure that MIL will never go back to her home.
Please tell me about your experiences with your elderly parents going in for the first time - how did it go? did they stay? did they like it after a while? Hit me with it warts and all. I'm after the good and bad.

Possibly slightly different, but MIL went into a care home for recuperation and assessment.

She was confused, and the strange surroundings made that worse; once they got her walking though, things improved.

She had lived in retirement housing with a common room, which she had enjoyed. In the care home, it seemed like she perked up once she realised there were people to talk to.

She did have dementia, and was past the point of arguing or resisting when things were suggested for her care.

She never went home.

FIL went in for respite- he had dementia.

During the 2 weeks MIL realised she couldn't manage him at home anymore and he stayed.

Home told us this was what happened on the majority of respite stays and why he had had to wait so long for one to be available.

20 years ago.
MIL had exhausted herself looking after FIL, so she went into a care home for respite (while he was in hospital iirc).
After about 6 weeks she said 'right I'm better now I'd like to go home', and she was fine.

Recently last year. My aunt had 3 weeks or so in respite. My cousin reported that the home was fine but:
. aunt didn't like not being in control of own schedule
. it was debilitating on skills as there weren't the familiar visual reminders and objects

In neither of the above was dementia a factor.

FIL gone into respite this week for 2
week stay as MIL exhausted and needs rest. He is confused (dementia) and unsettled keeps ringing daughters and demanding to come home which is hard for them. MIL also constantly ringing as lonely and says can’t sleep etc although she is being regularly contacted and visited. Respite home v expensive (crazy!) but have already let FIL down on not watching his diabetes which has led to an incident. We hope it’s all going to calm down and MIL going to stay with sisters later this week, but home are already throwing doubt over him coming back out - although family can’t afford for him to stay so not sure what will happen. It’s a horrible time - thoughts with you OP.

My mum had her first respite stay when my dad was admitted to hospital - she couldn't be left especially overnight and SS arranged for her to go in the same day as their emergency carer scheme had kicked in before.
Unexpectedly, she was actually very settled and content there - she had dementia and it was a specialist home and although from the outside it looked nothing, it was brilliantly set up.
She did go home once dad was back out as he was very distressed by her being there, but had further respite stays.

I think in this instance, it's being called respite but its's more a trial 2 weeks before permanency.

DM went at short notice after a rapid series of crises that had a catastrophic impact on her and DF. Her dementia had worsened significantly and it was clear neither was coping.

The home said they preferred four weeks rather than two even for respite stays as it would give her more chance to settle and for them to assess needs. It was very clear once she had settled in (took about five days I recall as she was hugely agitated at the time) that her needs were much higher than DF had been letting on/had realised and we made the stay permanent. Although neither parent realised it - it was very much a trial with a view to it being made permanent.

Worth noting as well that you have to consider the impact on both parents (sorry not clear if her husband is still alive). During the first couple weeks it also became apparent that my dad wasn’t coping so even if mum had been fine to come home the reality was it wouldn’t have worked for him.

My aunt went to 'trial" a care home late Nov 2019, after a failed hospital discharge with a care package. She was a frail wheelchair user with no dementia. We persuaded her to stay over Christmas, then NY, and bit longer then Covid started and thank goodness she was already there. She never did go home and the house was sold to fund her care. She was there almost 3yrs and further most part enjoyed her stay. She was always a very sociable person, so the lively atmosphere of that home suited her.

We persuaded our widowed DM to have 2 weeks respite in the local care home. She really couldn’t look after herself, forgot to take her meds (she was in late stage heart failure, falling and having memory problems), wasn’t managing to shop / cook / eat and there’d been several crises where I’d had to drop everything and do the 4/5 hour drive to sort things out. She wouldn’t have anybody coming in at home to help and had told social services that no way was she going into care.

Sold it to her that it was just 2 weeks R&R to get her back on her feet, and she persuaded herself that it was just like going to a boarding house. DSis and I were convinced that she’d want to go straight home after the 2 weeks and were amazed that she said she liked it there, admitted that she couldn’t manage on her own any more and that she was going to stay. It was absolutely the best thing, she had excellent care, people to talk to and people to run round after her.

My mum went in for 2 weeks respite. This then turned into permanent living. She was walking with an aid when she went in. At first she was engaged in the activities but unfortunately 6 months later, she’s now bed bound/ confined in wheelchair and asleep for most activities.

MIL used respite many times. She was adamant she wasn’t going into a home so she was as awkward as possible in there, very uncooperative and very demanding so she wouldn’t be left there.

Quite honestly she should have been in a home for the last two years of her life but she had a daughter who under other circumstances would not have been able to meet her extremely high care needs but did to a very high degree with enormous personal cost.

If it had been down to us with our life’s demands or DH’s other sister, she almost certainly would have gone in full time after her first respite.

My mother went into her care home permanently, although it was phrased a 'month's trial' because the care home likes to check they can definitely meet the person's needs.

She had moderate dementia, and when she moved to the care home she was very confused and unsettled for the first three or four days. It is of course a very different environment when you are used to living on your own with your cat.

Then she settled in and started enjoying it, and after 4 weeks she told me she loved it there. She enjoyed the company and she no longer had anything to worry about, it was all done for her. She lived there for 7 years until her death, and was very content there.

Friend went in last week, we don’t expect her to come home though hope that she can be placed nearer. The care home has struck lucky as person is obsessed with cleaning and washing up so they are letting her help, she’s super happy, she doesn’t do sitting still

My mum had a respite stay in a care home, following a few crises at home (dementia). It was as much for me as it was for her as I was near breaking point. She dodnt love it and after the month, she did go back home but it soon became apparent that she was much safer in the care home and moved back permanently, to no one’s surprise, about 3 months later. She settled and adapted quickly.

My DF went for respite, he never wanted to leave. He is looked after so well. Good food, company and activities. Nothing like he had imagined.

It's nice to hear some positive stories 😊

Fil went into a care home after 3 weeks in hospital for assessment. He came home after a month. He was super confused in the care home although it was excellent but settled better when he came home than we expected.