Stress of being the only one caring for elderly parents/step parents

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My mum and her husband are in their 80s with various health issues and increasingly need support. I live 2 hours away so it’s hard to do much but it’s obvious I’ll have to start taking on more because there is nobody else. They’re already struggling to make decisions and worried about the future and it’s clear they need help in all sorts of ways.

My sibling who lives closer doesn’t drive and tends to bury their head - I did everything when our dad died as they found it all too much.

My step-siblings see very little of their father as they don’t get on with my mum. As much as I love my step-dad, I wonder how he has become my responsibility. But because of the situation with his children it’s clear both him and my mum see me (and my partner) as the ones they want to turn to. I feel so resentful that my sibling and step-siblings all get away without contributing especially as some of them don’t work whereas I have a demanding full-time job.

How do I deal with this? The stress of providing emotional support to my mum who is very hard work is bad enough but I have no idea how I’ll cope when it comes to all the practical stuff that will be needed. I have my own life and problems - job uncertainty, money worries, supporting mine and my partner’s older kids - and I don’t feel able or inclined to take on more.

I’m not feeling great with all the midlife stuff either - I sleep badly and don’t feel able to deal with things the way I used to. I’ve reluctantly started HRT but what I really need is for life to be less complicated. It’s making me increasingly angry that it’s affecting me so much yet other people just get away with not doing their fair share.

Very grateful for any practical advice, I’m worried how much this is affecting me and increasingly my relationship with my partner.

That's very hard. I think you need to be honest with them about how you feel. You can't make them step up but you can stop doing everything for your mum and her partner.

DH is an only child but has a stepbrother as his mum remarried after divorce. When his mum and stepdad started to get very frail, DH and his stepbrothers had to divvy up the work between them. They each took responsibility for different areas. DH dealt with all the money, bills, household repairs etc and step brother dealt with the care agency, GP appointments etc. it was difficult as we lived 5 hours away and stepbrother lived 3 hours away, but it worked. They died at 95 and 93, still living in their own home, because DH and his stepbrother worked as a team.

I think you need to be assertive and state what you're prepared to do (eg organise medical appointments) and what you're not prepared to do (eg household stuff) and ask which of the others is going to volunteer for that task. If no-one does, then it doesn't get done. I know that sounds harsh but it will hopefully make them think about their responsibilities.

Thank you - it is! The trouble is they dont really want anyone else, my sibling is OK at helping with practical jobs but has no easy means to get to them because of not driving. My SD still drives but won't be able to for much longer which means they will be completely isolated - they have the amenities they need on the doorstep but it will always be down to me to visit.

Some of my step-siblings possibly would help more but DM and SD dont really want them as they think they bring too much drama - in reality that comes as much from my DM as from them.

It’s making me increasingly angry that it’s affecting me so much yet other people just get away with not doing their fair share.

I wonder, how do they manage that, those other people?

i think you are directing your anger in the wrong direction. Your sibling and step siblings are free to choose how much they do or don’t do in relation to your parents, just as you are. And you are choosing to allow yourself to be sucked into doing more than you want to. Why is this? You don’t have a gun to your head, you can make a choice.

As much as I love my step-dad, I wonder how he has become my responsibility.

Because you appear to have accepted it as a fait accompli.

it’s obvious I’ll have to start taking on more because there is nobody else.

Is it obvious? you seem to be stating this as a foregone conclusion, that you have no agency or choice here.

I agree with the pp that as a first step you contact your siblings and step siblings and tell them that they need to step up as you can’t do it all. Do you have a what’s app group or anything?

irrespective of what they say, you still get a choice. Your parents don’t always get what they want at your expense. So start working out your boundaries and how you will defend them. It’s only going to get more difficult from here on in, so best to start as you mean to go on.

Been there, got the t-shirt. Bottom line is that you don't do more that you can reasonably manage, however much more they want.

How are they off financially ? They can pay for carers, cleaners, gardeners etc to do a lot of the practical stuff.

This is where you need to put your foot down with DM, then. You need to stick up for yourself - Anne will be doing <shopping-mowing-whatever> from now on because I can't. If you don't want Anne to do it, you'll need to find someone else to ask.

I'm at that age where we and our friends have had to deal with parents becoming increasingly dependent, and the trick to not letting it burn you out seems to be setting boundaries on what, and how much, you will do.

Work out what you realistically can do and what you WANT to do. Draw the line there. Anything else pass back to parents and/or siblings as you can’t do it. Either it won’t happen or someone will step up.

I didn’t go to the hospital when mine had an emergency admission. Lots of guilt tripping but ultimately friends/neighbours had to step in and the hospital staff dealt with a lot of it.

This. There’s very little help that can’t be bought. Outsource as much practically as you can. Their wants at the end of their life don’t trump yours in the primes of yours.

We’ve suggested they start to look for outside help but it’s the emotional support I find the most draining. We saw them yesterday and my mum spent most of the visit offloading on me while SD did the same with my partner. They simply don’t have anyone else to talk to. They are fairly active and have local groups and friends but they’re not the sort of people that can or should provide the outlet they need.

It’s also the distance - visiting them takes up a full day and like most working people we don’t have loads of free time. One of my step-siblings lives 1/2 hour away yet when SD had a bad fall a few weeks back they didn’t even visit. It’s easy to say nobody should feel they have to help but don’t any of them feel guilty? I do and it’s not even my dad!

Yes they may feel guilty, but that might be better than being burnt out, resentful and broken. There's only so much one person can do.

The trouble is they dont really want anyone else

That's...too bad. Sounds harsh I know, but what happens if you get hit by a bus?

I'm navigating being literally the only person available to DM, no other family she sees, one friend who lives far away. So I am working on rationing my time and energy for when it's really needed. (And of course refuses to pay for cleaner etc. even tho I got attendance allowance in place).

I suppose my point really is, you can't control what DPs want, and you can't control what siblings etc. will do. You can only control your own actions.

Elderly people who need a lot of assistance will need to employ carers, personal assistants or whatever support they need. It can’t always be done by a child. Some people don’t have children. Some children don’t want to do it.
You’re very kind to help them, but it is your choice.
They have become reliant on you because you have given them that option.

One of your posts spells it out. THEY don’t want anyone else. THEY don’t get to choose. As another poster says most care can be brought in but they cannot choose that you do it.

My late Mum was very needy but I laid down the law. She would use her money to buy services in. That is what happened. I could do the online life admin and I also got POA which made a big difference but I was shocked by how many organisations didn’t know what it actually meant. Of course it didntt stop my phone number being given out to all and sundry first in retirement living/hospitals and care home. Once they know there is a daughter- well happy days!

The bottom line is that nobody can force anyone to take care of another person, though I understand how hard it is to say no to family. Yes, they want you but, at the risk of wounding your ego, you're not indispensable! They're stating their preference, which isn't the same as a need. I would recommend some counselling to help you with the complicated feelings the come with being a carer for family members. I've been caring and in counselling for years. Couldn't do the former without the latter.
You are too far away to offer the level of support they seem to need. In your position, I would call adult social care and ask for a Care Needs Assessment for both of them and a Carer's Assessment for yourself. That will clarify what your parents need, what you need and you can look at getting people in to help. Find a cleaner. Employ carers. Perhaps look for a carer/PA who can help with meds, admin and appointments, and who will be a less emotionally-invested pair of ears for them to talk at! (Social workers often know self-employed carer/PAs. I had one to help care for a family member - she was wonderful.) There will be costs, but the alternative is the huge cost to your wellbeing and possibly your marriage.

No wounded ego here! I’d be more than happy not to be indispensable.

They are adults!! Grown ups!! THEY need to manage their own lives and if they need carers and cleaners and extra help etc then they either pay for that or they ask
social services for help!! You need to back Off MAJORLY!! Just read some pf
tne posts on other people ok here who have been in your position and not backed off and had breakdowns and lost their jobs etc due to their parents needing/WANTING them to be the only ones helping them !! Your mum and stepdad are very selfish self centred people and it needs to be said to them that YOU aren’t their carers!!!

Nothing major to add to PP's advice, just to say the long running Cockroach cafe thread on this board might be really helpful for you OP, lots of people in the same boat there

You have to decide that you're dispensable! It's only guilt and selfish elderlies making you feel as if you are.

Thank you all, this has helped me get a bit of perspective. I’ve never been on the cockroach cafe threads - not sure if it’s reassuring or depressing that others are in the same boat.