Where to start to get help for elderly parents

[roastednuts123]

My mum and step dad have never accepted their advanced age and my step dad at 88 was walking 6 or so miles every day until last week. My mum is 81 and become frail in recent years - IBS and the start of some memory issues. A few days ago my step dad got taken into hospital after a big fall and hit the back of his head. He’s now in hospital being moved from ward to ward while they work out what to do with him and he’s confused and not making any sense. They live in a ‘normal’ house miles away from me and my brother. (Like 3 hours drive). I have talked to them before about moving nearer to one of us but it didn’t happen.
My mum has insisted I leave her and come home (and frankly that’s fine I don’t spend much time with them anyway and it’s never been a happy environment even as kids) but I feel clueless about what support is out there for her and I don’t know really how capable she is - both at the moment on her own at home, and when/if step dad returns and isn’t in his previous state.
Any advice on first steps would be much appreciated! I’m incredibly stressed and in no position to become a carer.

Age UK are great, lots of useful info on their website
And this from another thread going on just now
https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/help-from-social-services-and-charities/getting-a-needs-assessment/

You need to contact Social Services. Google Social services (Adult Services) plus their area. Call them, you'll probably have to leave a message and they will call back. They will do a needs assessment, but it may take a few weeks.

If your parents have over £23k in savings, they will be deemed 'self funding' and you can access support yourself. I did this for my mother by googling 'care at home' plus location, and contacting a couple of agencies. The manager of the agency will then visit your mum at home to do a needs assessment.

If they are under the savings threshhold, SS will provide care visits, which unfortunately will be barely adequate.

SS will give access to an OT assessment though which provide home adaptations and equipment without charge regardless of savings or finances. E.G. rise & recline chairs, handrails for the stairs and shower, bed rail etc. Akso access to CareLine

When my dad became frail after a bad fall, we got a really good agency of carers to come in, twice a day, every day. It cost a fair, luckily dad was able to pay but it worked extremely well and dad loved their company. He did a couple of years later go into residential care after some further health issues and hospital stays.

We also got the Bladder and Bowel involved for incontinence pants for him plus he also was eligible for Attendance Allowance. We ordered the pants online when he needed them and they were delivered to the door.

Just a couple of things worth looking into.

First I’m sorry to hear this, it sounds hugely stressful all round;
as your Dad is in hospital they “should” be looking at discharge planning and organising a package of care for when he is discharged. I know at the hospital I work in from discharge documents we see in administration lots can be put in place and they also support the other person especially as a lot of people just plod along together and help each other which can be a huge problem when one of them massively deteriorates.
adult social care cam do assessment for both patient and partner (mum and dad) and if absolutely accept their help as they do this all the time. Hope you get a plan in place.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I think the worst bit is because my mum doesn’t believe or accept she’s got memory issues she won’t say she needs help and she doesn’t look like a frail old person particularly. To give one example of an issue when I was there two days ago we spent hours searching for her purse as she’d hidden it in the house… we’ve never found it and we searched everywhere. Now I know the situation with her husband won’t help matters but her mental decline has been apparent for some time, and she refuses to accept it.

(She’d hidden it in case of a house burglary!) (they’ve never been burgled but anyway she’s hidden it so well and forgotten where!)

She will have hidden it somewhere bizarre. My mother hid keys in pillowcases and dressing gown pockets. Worst case scenario, your mum put it in a bin and it's been thrown out.

People with dementia hardly ever accept they have cognitive problems, and there is no point trying to persuade them that they do. You could suggest that someone comes in to help her with whatever type of thing she DOES struggle with - like carrying heavy things, hoovering, putting the bins out, getting to appointments. They can then do all the other things she thinks she can still do, but can't.

My mother was self funding and I used an agency called Home Instead, they provided 'companion care' where the carer will do whatever is necessary day to day.

Dad also used Home Instead and the ladies supplied were absolutely brilliant. My cousin also had used them for his aunt, she had dementia and they were very good with her too.

Thanks to both of you for the posts about Home Instead. I’ve just checked and they work in my parents area so that will be a brilliant starting point.