How to handle concerns about elderly in-laws planning a long drive

[Runningupthehillagain]

My FIL’s health hasn’t been great for years but the last three he has really deteriorated. But then also, he’s “fine”. He’s spent a lot of time with the frailty team at the hospital who couldn’t help him (I suspect he’s also told them he’s “fine”.

He has limited mobility now - not sure if that’s through choice or not. He hardly moves from him chair or from home. He struggles to walk without reaching for a chair or a wall for support. He has fallen a number of times but in-laws always explain these little instances away.

They have just announced they are going to embark on a very long drive - will require a stop overnight - and on motorways. They don’t drive far now - to the supermarket and hospital appointments mainly - so it’s been many years since they’ve driven for any length of time.

We have spoken to them about our concerns and they plan to share the driving between them but aren’t keen to hear our concerns. I get that we can’t stop them but it’s not just themselves they are putting at risk. We’ve suggested trains etc but they won’t hear of it. Can anyone offer advice?

Tricky one. You could suggest a practice run? Of, say, an hour, and you sit in the car with them (if you dare). I doubt they would manage the whole hour, and it might change their mind about the much longer drive.

I think you are right to be concerned, but how is their driving? For example I recall my grandad was very frail, but driving was what he could do , and requently drove from the UK to Spain and France

I'd turn it around, if you make it about them they will get stubborn so make it about the car. If they're only currently using the car locally, then "it'll need a bit of a spin to get the engine all cleared out for a long drive". Talk some guff about "catalytic converters needing a good burn on a fast road and how you wouldn't want them to break down en route. So they should definitely take the car out for an hour or two on a good journey before going for a distance that needs an overnight stay".

Hopefully they'll find that exhausting and a bit scarey, and it'll put them off without causing any dramas about their competence being questioned.

Yes, that is a good way to lean into it. Plan a hour-long route too.

This is all dependent on how good you are at lying and how likely they are to fall for it.

This was the way we finally discouraged my 90 year old grandad. He too only drove locally and only for shopping/ medical appointments and wasn't great on his legs. He was insistent on doing a 3 hour drive to a country show, a stop over and then 3 hour drive back a couple of years ago.

There was absolutely no stopping him. So my dad let him do it and let him struggle with it. He was exhausted for a week after, found the drive very hard work, found driving on unfamiliar roads very difficult and had to keep stopping for rest breaks every 40 minutes. Assisted greatly by my granny who could give Hyacinth Bucket a run for her money in passenger behavior. He hasn't entertained driving long distances since. Sometimes you just have to let them fail.

Thank you for the kind advice. I think approaching it from a practical perspective is a good idea.

My DH can offer to go for a run with them - we’ll find some reason for them to go on an errand - and go from there.

I do agree. But the problem wih "letting them fail" is that they might fail into a pedestrian, or another car.

Does he have any health conditions reportable to the DVLA? If he did and it was one that meant his licence would be removed I would do that as harsh as it is. My friends DS is a police officer and he has had to scrape what is left of people killed in car accidents. He said as much as drink drivers and boy racers cause accidents, people that have slow reaction times and that drive in an over cautious manner to compensate for this cause many accidents. You could say the impatient buggers behind them are to blame but it happens.

I agree and if it was my parents I would do exactly that. The reason I’m concerned is because of the potential risk to others.

I don’t know what health concerns the DVLA require reporting but I’ll read up now. I don’t know what he’s reported and what he hasn’t though.

I sat in the car with my FIL while he drove over a mini roundabout because he couldn't follow what it was.

When we arrived home I immediately reported him to the DVLA.

If OP's FIL has reportable conditions he almost certainly hasn't told the DVLA either because he doesn't realise they are reportable or because driving is too important to him. This also affects his insurance.

My in laws recently insisted on a long drive. For me it's the final straw in how I will 'honour' their legacy.
They've spent the last 30 years knocking fat/old/disabled people and now they are fat, old and disabled without any skills to mitigate that. So can only drive the Rover - no public transport, no taxis, no mobility scooter. Slightly rubbish walking aids.
DH ended up driving them back.
It's really coloured how I and DH see them. No humility or awareness, they are arrogant and frail people rather than the resourceful, problem solving people they could be.

No advice but I do hammer home how much I respect my parents/neighbours/fictional figments for their problem solving when life insists on lemons.

How is his spatial awareness - does he clip wing mirrors or get lost often? He needs to do a local run before a longer journey like that

Just to warn you, before my FIL got his official memory clinic appointment PIL decided they were driving to a holiday in Sussex. It should have taken them 2 hrs - it took 7hrs because they got lost due to roadworks/diversions, MIL was unable to map read or react quickly enough to read road signs and redirect him. It also took them a similar time to return home. It highlighted our urgent need to get a diagnosis, write to the DVLA and get his licence rescinded (he wouldn't take that from us but would from "official" DVLA), sell the car and set them up with an account with a local taxi firm for local trips.

apparently some companies do advanced driving or fit to drive etc type tests. that couod be helpful to asses how good or bad an elderly driver is. but it costs money. so he may not be up for it.

Well I’m in the thick of it here with my parents. My observation is that unfortunately you have to let the crisis come.
But set up Power of attorney before they need it. Because when they need it, it is too late

I’ve been saying to my fit and healthy father I need POA now before my parents enter any crisis point - which hopefully they’re at least a decade away from. I’ve seen so many slightly older friends go through this having not set it up in advance. He just outright refuses. I am so frustrated about it. I can’t seem to get through to him rationally at all.