Coping with guilt after my mother's outburst in her care home

[Midnightcampervan]

I just need to vent and I know many of you will have had experience of awful behaviour. My very intelligent, volatile and fiercely independent mother, agreed to moving to a care home a year ago. She has moderate small vessel disease and cognitive impairment but is very hard to assess because she can deflect, is very articulate and covers well. Not to mention refuses to comply with things!

Overall, she has been happy and I hardly recognise her personality (for the better). But still she sometimes flares up and on this occasion it was over a memorial that a family wanted to put in the garden, which she objected to and pulled up and shouted at them and apparently pushed the manager. It’s not always easy to understand what exactly has triggered her but this sort of reaction seems to be when she feels threatened in some way. It sounds like a red cloud descended.

I’m left feeling dreadful for the bereaved family who will undoubtably be shaken up and dreading facing her tomorrow. Reasoning with her is generally futile because she is so opinionated.

Any tips for how to stop the cold sinking sweat of feeling for the other family and general fear for her future. Argh! Happy Easter !

I was visiting my wife in hospital this afternoon. Another lady in the ward was nasty to me because I would not help her go upstairs to visit her brother (there is no upstairs in that part of the hospital).
I'm not worried, I realise it is part of the turmoil her brain is going through just now.
Possibly tomorrow she will be nice, polite and friendly as she was yesterday.
My point is that strangers understand how elderly people act at times.

I think you have to remember that it's the cognitive impairment combined with existing personality. My mum on mother's day spent the whole time of an afternoon tea berating two little girls who were visiting their grandmother that they were sitting in 'her' seat... She'd also likely do as you described, whereas pre cognitive difficulties she was ultra religious and wouldn't do anything like it

Everyone in the home will have their own difficulties, you only see a snapshot and of course you know your mum inside out and understandably feel embarrassed by what has happened. I’m sure the home staff will reassure the other family, they’ve seen it all before. My mum was a difficult woman at times and when she went into her care home I was always on edge when there as I never knew what she would say next.
Then I realised that in all the hours I’m not there she is the same so it’s not really my problem. But I do understand how you feel. Do something nice tomorrow as a distraction.

Why are you feeling guilty? You're not responsible for your mother's behaviour.

Honestly, I'm sure the other family will fully understand and won't be offended. Those of us who have had the dubious pleasure of visiting elderly people with cognitive impairment in care homes will have all come across this type of behaviour in some form or another -,it's only to be expected sadly. Try not to worry 💐

Thank you all. Of course it’s not my fault but I am her daughter and of course I feel awful. I do feel better for a bit and then the realisation that she ripped up a memorial, yelled at a bereaved family who had probably a lovely and totally different vision of how this would go. I will try to detach and hope they understand. Your comments have helped , thank you

Everyone working there and the bereaved family too will have immediately understood that there is a good reason your mum is in the care home, and that reason is that she is suffering from some form of mental impairment.

If you suffer from an inordinate level of embarrassment over this or other aspects of your mum's personality or behaviour, I urge you to seek counseling. There's a lack of perspective of how others see your mum, and it needs to be addressed.

My relative regularly threatened suicide and murder, and used awful sexist language (and she had been a real feminist before illness), sadly it's not unusual for these things to happen.
I do think care homes and hospitals should be designed to allow more privacy, which would help in situations like this-could the staff move your mum somewhere away from the other family?

My DM spends every waking hour hurling abuse and trying to physically attack the wonderful staff at her nursing home.

OP believe me the staff have seen it all edited and a lot worse.

If it helps, a woman sitting at the breakfast table beside my mum in her care home called me a 'tramp' and a 'slut', I think it was, before falling asleep over her cornflakes. I also witnessed another resident shout out in pain because another old woman smacked her or shoved her. It's a disease, it causes extreme personality change, even my mother who wouldn't have said boo to a goose and was good manners personified is becoming obstructive and aggressive (or 'combative', code for PITA) to the carers as her dementia advances. Try not to worry about it, hopefully the other family will understand. 💐

I’ve been in your shoes more times than I can remember. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Nobody is blaming you or holding you responsible. The other family involved know you DM is living there for a reason. Staff will be used to it, I’ve been there to. Give yourself a break.

When dementia is involved, behaviour can be very unpredictable.
My dd in her 20s went to visit my DM in her care home on her birthday - taking her favourite chocs and flowers. ‘Happy birthday Granny!’

Response was an exceedingly grumpy, ‘I’m not your granny!’
Luckily dd was sufficiently aware not to be upset.

Another time I took her a big bar of Aero chocolate (not too hard for the state of her teeth!) which I knew she’d enjoy. For once dh had come with me - he had formerly been her 2nd Golden Boy - the first was my brother.

I passed a piece of the chocolate to dh.
DM was not at all happy to see him eating HER chocolate! ‘YOU’RE A VERY NASTY MAN!!’

One of the carers who was nearby nearly wet herself laughing!

She has moderate small vessel disease and cognitive impairment but is very hard to assess because she can deflect, is very articulate and covers well. Not to mention refuses to comply with things!

She's got dementia, OP.

The fault is with the care home imo, for allowing her to be in an area where a memorial planting was happening.

I also hope I can offer some perspective. I’ve been a geriatric nurse for 4 years, in that time I’ve been barricaded in rooms, hit, kicked, punched, sworn at and told I’m a fucking bitch or to rot in hell. But in all that time, with all the challenges that come with dementia and cognitive impairments, we absoloutely know that behaviour that occurs is not usually the person and that they’d be mortified if they knew. It’s the horrible disease and not them as a person. The staff will feel the same and I’m sure too the family will have some understanding.

What can trigger them one day, won’t the next, it’s so unpredictable but I think you should be kinder to yourself op ❤️ if you wanted to do anything perhaps send a card or something to be passed on to the family but that isn’t an absolute necessary. It’s a care home, the family will know people have different complex needs so honestly don’t overthink it 💐

I agree with this. I had a variety of issues from residents when visiting mum. Mostly because the presume anyone younger and helping someone is staff and don't understand why you won0't help them. The family might be upset in the moment but they will understand.

My own delightful mother practically stepped over another resident who was laid out in the car park having a medical event, then phoned me to ask me to help her put in an official complaint about the manager who had interrogated her over the cctv footage that showed exactly what she had done.

And she apparently has no decline or impairment, so I can't forgive her for it and I don't want to make the allowances that I might make, if I knew that she hadn't fully understood what she had done or the consequences.

Last time i was in hospital I was next to a lady with dementia who would attack any staff who went anywhere near her they had to go in groups to give her any form of care. Nobody including me where judging she was probably a lovely lady before this awful disease took over. People understand these things and understand the person can't help it. When I had a brain bleed I apparently got violent in hospital i have absolutely no memory of this whatsoever im not a violent person i have never laid a finger on anyone in life prior to this or since. Brains are complicated organs