Guardian article today that might resonate here

[thedevilinablackdress]

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2026/mar/28/burden-of-extended-care-for-aged-parents-new-phenomenon

When my father was 89 he collapsed at home and was taken to hospital where he had another episode in the middle of the night and he was fitted with a pacemaker. When the hospital told me what they’d done I felt a wave of despair rush over me. My mother had died two years before and his physical and mental health declined dramatically leaving me and my sisters to coordinate his care. He was deaf so couldn’t manage phone calls, he kept locking himself out of his computer and online banking because he couldn’t remember his passwords. He was utterly miserable and frequently said he wanted to die. By fitting his pacemaker the doctors condemned him to another three years of inexorable decline. After a run of hospital admissions for falls (one time he only managed six hours at home before being taken back in) the discharge coordinator told us we needed to find a care home for him. He hated the home and essentially gave up, wouldn’t even try to get out of bed and became doubly incontinent. After a year he developed pneumonia and died a couple of days later. If he’d dropped dead five years earlier we’d have all been desperately sad but with a feeling that it had been a life well-lived. As it was when he died my main feeling was one of profound relief.

A pacemaker for a sick 89 year old with dementia. No wonder the NHS is in the state it is.

But didn’t people in the past just have this issue but earlier on and then die earlier themselves)?

I think the generation the author is talking about, ie people in currently in their late forties and fifties, are the first whose own parents had it easy.

The author’s grandparents died say in their mid seventies ( with no dementia etc) and the children ( ie the author’s parents) then had from their mid forties onwards “free”.
But this wouldn’t necessarily have been the case for the author’s great grandparents etc

I think the lengthy keeping alive of people with no quality of life is the point here.

Without major medical intervention, my DF would have been dead at 54 from a heart attack. Who know which of DMs fractures would have finished her off - probably the femur when she was 60ish due to immobility and infection. FIL would have been gone aged 60 from his heart attack.

My best mates nasty grandmother (racist, homophobic, misogynistic and absolutely horrible person, happy to share stories to demonstrate) had dementia and survived 9 years in a care home spitting her bile at the poor staff and being utterly miserable in every aspect of life. The dementia brought out every horrible aspect of her personality and the filter was gone, and she became the worst person she could have ever tried to be. Repeated pneumonias, UTIs, unknown infections were treated in hospital with multiple admissions every year. To what end? It certainly didn't benefit her or improve her quality of life.

I didn't post and run, honestly. I've been absorbed reading all the many thoughtful and heartfelt responses.

I think the generation the author is talking about, ie people in currently in their late forties and fifties, are the first whose own parents had it easy.

Of my four grandparents (born in the Edwardian era), three were enthusiastic and lifelong smokers, and they died of cancer/heart disease. I'm not advocating smoking and I'm very sorry that I didn't get to know two of them, both having died when I was a baby. My other granny lived until she was 92 and endured 12 years of dementia, which caused my mother a lot of stress. So it's lifestyle changes that are driving this longevity, though the mania for keeping very old people alive with cocktails of drugs/vaccines/surgery is a new development. Doctors now seem to be in denial of the fact that natural decline is an essential part of life and death and aggressively militate against it.

Reading this thread am struck by the fact assisted dying /euthanasia is likely to become legal and maybe an option you can all encourage your burdensome parents to take.

I wouldn't encourage anyone to do that. It needs to be a personal choice. But I am certainly hoping it's an option for me when the time comes.

There’s a very good reason why nurses used to call pneumonia the Old Man’s Friend.

Assuming you're not just trolling, if you think people on this board just see their relatives as a burden, then why would they expend so much of their time, energy, and sanity on supporting them? Walking away would be the simple option. And don't give me the inheritance argument, plenty of us are supporting parents with not a penny to leave.

I’m not in fact pro assisted dying. I think it’s irrelevant to all of the situations we are talking about here, and it brings a whole load of new problems.

My grandad had appalling dementia. He was in terrible distress for the last 5-6 years of his life. He was double incontinent and clearly utterly tormented. By the time he died he barely weighed a few stone. But still my grandma kept insisting he had antibiotics for infections. It was awful to watch.

Then there's my granny. She's 91 and in permanent pain. She can't take ibuprofen because she's on blood thinners. She can't take opiates because they make her dizzy and if she falls she'll end up entirely unable to walk and the small modicum of independence she still has will be gone (she currently lives alone with clients coming in one a week, a carer twice a week and her daughter 3x a week). She seems basically happy to die but won't stop taking the blood thinners in case she has a stroke that doesn't kill her. Her fear is not of death but of further disablement.

I really hope that I can just have euthanasia if I get to her age. It's no life at all.

I thoroughly agree that it’s the artificial extending of life which is the problem. Mil had dementia for some years, quite a few of them as a doubly incontinent vegetable - not knowing her own name or who her dcs were. She had to be lifted by hoist and turned frequently. Every time she had an infection/pneumonia the nursing home rushed her off to hospital, where she was intravenously pumped with antibiotics for a few days before going back for more months,nay years of a miserable existence. The dnr only pertains to heart attacks, not treatable illness.

fil was given a hip replacement at 95 when he had dementia. He had no idea what was going on.

This is a good point about disabling stroke etc. vs. a fatal one. It's not as easy as 'stop taking the statins/whatever '.

I read that increasing numbers of people will be living to 120. But that may be with thirty or more years of poor health, and indeed maybe twenty with advanced dementia.

We may well have two generations in care at the same time. It will bankrupt every nation with social provision.

In the last year I’ve seen a rash of articles with headlines such as “is this the key to living to 150?” , “we might soon have the key to live even longer” etc etc. And I just think “to what end?” What sort of life would it be? Are we then going to start the ailments of old age? Or will we be living that long with accumulating health issues, poor mobility, incontinence, dementia etc? And then what when we get to 150? Will we be looking to live for another 50 years by then? Do we want science to make that possible? Or are we all going to be happy to die at 150?

I know these articles are largely click bait, but living and living and living seems to be being fetishised.

X post with @MaturingCheeseball Or cross sentiments!

i don’t know what the answer is. MIL was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis and Parkinson’s . She declined quite rapidly but FIL was in denial throughout. He didn’t want to see it and had everyone jumping around to try and ‘fix’ her. She went into care home during Covid (doubly incontinent and immobile by this point) and he visited her daily for years. He spoke about her like nothing was wrong - told us she’d been ‘quite chatty’, that she’d enjoyed lasagne for lunch and they’d watched tv together. The reality was that she mumbled a few random words, wasn’t obviously distressed, managed to suck down a few mouthfuls of liquidised lasagne and was then sat in front of a blasting tv set to a cartoon or afternoon quiz show (that she’d never have watched previously). He was so so unwilling to prepare to let her go or even think about life without her. This went on for years 😟. When she finally began to decline further and get repeated chest infections, he and SIL were still agreeing to Covid and flu vaccinations, antibiotics etc. When she could no longer tolerate oral antibiotics, they agreed to intravenous administration but the nurses found that this was impossible too, and she was finally allowed to die. Even near the end, SIL was talking about her ‘rallying’ and ‘coming back’ - to what? Her miserable existence?

It’s so selfish to keep a person locked in that state just to avoid dealing with the pain of their death. Everyone dies - every single one of us. Every person I have loved or love now is going to die. We have to accept that. When my SIL told me that MIL had ‘rallied’ and taken a sip of water, the look of horror on my face probably offended her. I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t / can’t understand why she would want to prolong that horrible existence.

I think the Covid/ flu vaccinations are a slightly different decision to antibiotics or not. I’ve considered whether to give or not the former with DM but in the end, decided it was better to protect others (carers and their other clients) by her being protected, than not protecting her. Though a dose of flu may be a much kinder option than years of very slow decline when she really really wants to die

Im surprised no-one has suggested a Covid/ flu party - in the same vein that chicken pox parties used to be a thing 😱

Great minds and all that!

Wr had a lot of really unpleasant meetings with care home staff and GPs that required a lot of energy but we prevented hospital admissions. At one home they quite obviously hated us. So be it. You can do it if you’re prepared to struggle hard enough. What I strongly believe is that we shouldn’t have had to fight that hard - frankly it should be the norm.

I don’t think the option of voluntary euthanasia would be much use in my DPs situation. Although DF is 92, he has settled very quickly into the care home that he was so anti going into and seems to have a new lease of life as he is getting regular meals with enough calories and hasn’t got the burden of caring for DM anymore.

DM is in a sorry state after we assume a series of mini strokes her mobility and speech are very poor, and due to osteoporosis, macular degeneration and dementia she does very little except sit in her bed. But as she was a doctor she enjoys a good medical intervention and she has not mentioned wanting to die and as she is now quite vocal about airing complaints, I assume I would hear all about it if she did.

In truth now they are finally in a care home a large part of the burden has been lifted, I am very glad and relieved that DF has settled but in truth they would still have had to stay even if he wasn’t particularly happy. I wasn’t particularly happy not being able to work much for a living, not being able to plan a holiday and not being able to enjoy my 50s the way they had been able to do. I went on HRT and was suffering panic attacks every time I visited because the situation was so untenable, anti depressants were next on the list.

I am not sure what other solution those against care homes have. Should I and thankfully DH have continued to shuttle up and down ever more frequently an hour away for their crises ? Should I - as some of my single friends have done - moved in with them or vice verse abandoning their own lives and losing their ability to go on holiday, out for the evening and sometimes even make their own living ?

People who trumpet about caring for their parents have never faced dementia head on. It’s not a little dottiness. It’s a loss of the 24-hour clock (ie awake any time), it’s personality change - anger, accusations, nastiness - it’s double incontinence and all potentially without loss of physical strength. Mil in the mid stages of dementia was a big woman who was attacking the carers (who refused any more home visits). Imagine if you were dealing with a demented 75-year-old man? They could fell you if so inclined.

I fully agree with your comment.
I moved to another country, one of the reasons was not wanting to put my life on hold for (formerly abusive) elderly parents.

I don't think you should have had to continue doing or done anything you write about in your last paragraph @rookiemere
For me, I don't want to get to the stage where I need a care home. And I don't think many people do. I want the option of voluntary euthanasia. And I want involuntary euthanasia (to an extent). If I haven't taken the decision and I end up living with pain that can't be managed, or a life not worth living, and I'm too afraid to take the final step, I want people to do a quality of life score for me (I'd have done one myself previously and they can look at that) and to give me a lethal injection. I don't know how a system like that could work though. And it's a terrible burden to put on other people as well as risky. But is it worse than the current situation? I don't know.

I think we need to have a total rethink as a society about life and try to move towards people and domesticated animals having a good death rather than a bad one.

@MaturingCheeseball I think the kindest thing to do for that demented 75 year old man (I say this because he is an example rather than a real person, don't want to upset anyone) would be to put him to sleep as they say. So long as there was nothing that could be done to make his life worth living and for him not be so difficult and dangerous for anyone else. I think, if the younger him could see what had become of him, he'd agree. How do we get there safely is the question though. I don't know.