Guardian article today that might resonate here

[thedevilinablackdress]

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2026/mar/28/burden-of-extended-care-for-aged-parents-new-phenomenon

1000% this @Valleyofthedollymix.

Totally agree. From around 32 to 56 I looked after my dad. Also worked full-time. As the years went on, the responsibility grinds you down. My dad had a pacemaker. He had so much other stuff wrong, you question why they fitted the pacemaker. It seems heartless, but you end up being like a mouse in a wheel going round and round with no end in sight. He ended up passing away at the start of lockdown. Do not think it’s heartlessness talking, it’s not. I just remember the soul destroying weariness of it all. I really did love my dad, but I’m adamant this will not be my daughter’s fate and tell anyone who will listen that if something catastrophic happens to me, stop everything and let me go.

@RichPetuniaAgain I totally understand 💐

@Hangerbout I realise that a lot of patients are putting pressure on the doctors

But they seem to have lost all ability to treat individuals

They still wanted to drag dad off for a scan when we had been asking about hospice care for two weeks. And he was asking about hospice care as well. And not eating. It was just completely mad. I think the BMA rules have more to do with it. I also think that if you're really unlucky and you get an MDT, you've got even more chaos because you've got more specialisms who will suggest things

And frankly, they are trying to use up their budget because if there's any surplus their budget will be cut the following year.

There was one man in the hospital who left against the doctors wishes. But he had liver cancer. So they were struggling to let go of someone who just wanted to live out his days in peace and he had lots of family to help out. It was almost comic because he told us that the doctors had said to him "but you will die" and of course he would much rather die peacefully at home if he's got the correct set up!

I have been hoping the assisted dying thing would be in place in case I get old. But they've managed to screw that up as well.

We need to have a far more pragmatic approach to death rather than extending it at all costs. Quality over quantity should win every time as far as I’m concerned.

A childless aunt of mine (80s, dementia and in a care home) was refusing food and fluids after the umpteenth UTI - she was prone to them anyway. I was asked by care home staff whether I wanted her taken to hospital for ABs/drips etc. or left where she was, where she was almost certainly going to die.

I could only ask the GP what he’d do if it were his much loved relative. He said he’d leave her where she was, where they’d keep her comfortable. It was only going to happen again, probably quite soon.

I was so grateful to that GP, who was very kind. And I’m sure it’s what my aunt herself would have wanted.
She drifted away quite peacefully after about a week.

You old aunt was in her own way saying 'I've had enough' @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER. It can be very hard for a person with dementia to verbalise it, but a hunger and thirst strike is one way of doing it. Increasingly you hear of old people refusing food and being given supplements (with care home staff hanging over them ('oh drink another bit Mary. Drink it up, it'll make you better') or spoon or even tube fed, or placed on a drip in a hospital setting. It's very sad that we deny the old and frail basic bodily autonomy in this way. Those care home staff and the doctor were being rational and merciful in their approach, and respecting her wishes. I wish there were more like them.

Oh Lord, I saw this badgering and pestering to eat and drink in my DM’s (dementia only) care home. All done with the best of intentions I dare say, but to me it was distressing to see the poor old things crying and whimpering and repeatedly turning their heads away.

I made it very clear to CH staff that I would have no such thing for my DM, already over 90 and with advanced dementia. Ditto no hospital unless absolutely necessary. E.g. a 2nd broken hip.
Staff agreed absolutely, and luckily the situations never arose anyway.

The thing is, though, some relatives DO want absolutely everything done to keep someone going, no matter how pitiful a state they’re in. And get very upset/angry if anyone suggests that it might be kinder to let Nature take its course.

To me, ‘striving to keep alive’ can verge on cruelty.

@EmeraldRoulette That story about the poor chap with liver cancer - it's so stupid.

All the antibiotics, drips, vaccines and high calorie shakes in the world won't restore youth or even make life worth living in a lot of cases. Not even Donald Trump in his Messiah incarnation can do that.

Does anyone know if this goes on in non-euthanising countries outside the UK?

Yes - my relative was in a residential home that didn’t have any dementia patients, but it was the same. They were moved into a couple of rooms on a ground floor corridor when they were on their last legs ( I think so they were nearer staff and also there was a handy door for the undertaker😂…)
I spent 6 weeks sat in there every day, my relative hung on well past expectations but i could hear the staff encouraging and encouraging the poor lady in the other room to eat, go on, just a bite, just have a little bit. It was awful to hear, but perhaps what her relatives wanted.

Morbid I know but I've often wondered how a deceased resident is moved out of these places without distressing the other residents. As @user7538796538 says there may be practical arrangements for the end of life cases. There must be a protocol for a sudden death, ('everyone straight to their rooms with the doors closed') but it's like herding smoke, old people

Tbh - and from having worked in a nursing home - none of the deaths are surprising.

The residents are mostly put in places depending on the time of the day and how able and responsive they are - so they get up for breakfast, have a morning activity or sleep, lunch, afternoon activity, watch telly, dinner, bed. Sometimes an outing. You're constantly moving people to a schedule, and most homes have more than one entrance.

I remember Dad, rather incongruously, had been moved to a room with an exercise class when he couldn't move his arms or legs.

The residents that do wander the corridors mostly have advanced dementia. The people that are dying die in their rooms.

I guess it's possible that someone might suddenly die in the tv lounge but that seems to be unusual!

The care homes are expensive and won't want relatives complaining that Dotty has lost a lot of weight as soon as she got there. It also - more cynically - suits them financially to keep residents going.

My grandmother died very suddenly from a stroke in her nursing home, in her chair, was some years ago though.

@Valleyofthedollymix Aggressively assisted living is an excellent phrase, I'm going to remember that!
Sadly my parent died last weekend, they had been put on end of life meds some hours after the xray( so what was the point) and were then effectively unconscious for 6 days until the end.
It was awful just sitting there waiting, they had gone really but still breathing, but they are now at peace and I am just feeling a sort of exhausted relief.
I do hope there is a bit of a sea change over the coming years, allowing people to leave this world without condemning them to months or years of a distressing half life resulting from many of these treatments.

Im sorry to hear about your parent’s treatment but glad for them and you that they are at peace

Just recommending this to you @Daygloboo
Unreported World: Japan (Channel 4, Friday, April 17, 2026)
It's about how some elderly people have had to turn to shoplifting in order to survive.

Oh Lord, I saw this badgering and pestering to eat and drink in my DM’s (dementia only) care home. All done with the best of intentions I dare say, but to me it was distressing to see the poor old things crying and whimpering and repeatedly turning their heads away

Yes but to be fair, if they hadn't done that, then they would be accused of "neglect/abuse and letting vulnerable old people starve to death" and hauled over the coals for it so they cant really win. Some relatives would absolutely accuse them of that if they had stopped.

to think that the whole conversation around assisted dying is a distraction. It's aggressively assisted living that is the issue.

Completely agree with this. People get so obsessed with the debate around assisted dying they forget that if we just stopped trying to force people with zero quality of life to live that it would solve half the issue already.

I faced a similar situation a few months ago with my dad. He was a couple of hours away and refused to engage with any technology, even though he was more than capable. I was constantly worried that he was ok and always struggling to find the time. That's why I started to work on TheirCall. He insisted on the landline, not even a mobile! It was infuriating. I'm hoping it will be a godsend to those with stubborn parents. I know I'm being to harsh as it's a common problem, technology, and in a lot of cases it's not just stubbornness. Sorry rant over!

I’ve just looked that up as I hadn’t heard of it - interesting!

I think communication and logistics within the hospital seem to have something to do with it. I can believe the budget thing too

An interesting article and thread with many sensitive insights.

I'm reminded of a fabulous colleague I have who works in palliative care who once advised me that Death is not always the worst outcome. That one statement really helped shaped my thinking both personally and professionally.

I agree with this.